Today is Womanhood Day! Fascinating!

Rather than occupy your precious homemaking (or breadwinning, for the fellas) time today with my own meanderings, I am assigning the following required reading. So set a spell and check out the Declaration of Dependence.

I'd write more, but I have to go make Sean a Certificate of Leadership. Italics theirs.

A million thanks to Mamarama, longtime Surrendered Wife* and eternally Fascinating Woman, for the link.

*I'm really, really kidding here.

Comments

[Tracy]

Oh. My. God. I love the fact that someone whose grasp of the English language is so... tenuous... is going on and on about homeschooling. And who knew that learning to read before you're NINE YEARS OLD causes hearing and vision problems?

[Laurie]

Damn, but I wish somebody'd showed this to me 'bout three kids ago. The 6 year old? Already a genius and smarter than me, and since she can't get a job, really what IS the point (possibly am going to start small book-binding business in my garage to help with this)? The 4 year old and the 5 month old? Totally lacking a "deep purpose in life". And don't even get me started on the fact that I'm wearing a suit (chocolate brown, no less!) AND my house is a wreck on this Day of All Days.

[Amy in Motown]

Are you fucking kidding me?

You are. But sadly, she's not.

I know and love people who believe this way. But oh my word.

I am sending this to my husband, because God love him he'll find it as whacked as I do and it won't give him any ideas...I'd also like photos of the Certificate of Leadership ceremony, please.

[Debe]

I'm feeling a little sick

[JJ]

Facinating!

[runnerwoman]

I'm feeling very disturbed, as this article has brought up a whole slew of theological quandries for me. Of course, the most obvious is that I don't have any children at home. What now? Is it OK if I practice on, say, the dog, or do I need to go out and rastle up some kids from another source? I think my neighbor might have a spare.

Also, if it's my job to "take care of the home", will I go to hell if I hire a housekeeper? What about ordering in take-out? I think I need to consult with a professional; these questions are all way above my XX chromosome level of intelligence.

[jilbur]

Wow--the diabetic-coma-sweet lady in the illustration looks like a pal of these ladies--coincidence? Oh, I think not ...

[Jo]

Well, runnerwoman, as a Fascinating Woman myself, I think I may be able to answer some of your questions (with my husband's permission):

1) Since it would be immoral for other mothers to leave their children in your care, I don't think God wants you to mind your neighbor's child. You'd only be contributing to her sin. If you don't have any children, it's probably part of God's plan. Except that your highest purpose in life is to have children...well, I don't know. I'll have to check with my husband.

2) Yes, you will go to hell.

3) Rather than consulting a professional, why not simply ask your husband? Remember: "When you honor your husband as the head of the family you have to throw him the ball and let him fumble with it, and know that he will fumble many times. But this is the way he will grow."

[Alana]

Well for awhile there I was utterly speechless. Then I read that crap to my daughter. We both agree that that was the most shit we read on one page ever. Man, my eyes are still burning from that. Lucky for me that I too have a husband who doesn't buy in to all that malarchy. In fact the more dominant I am the more he adores me. He likes women who are smart, strong and capable outside of the home as well as in. This does not include proper spelling or punctuation though.

[Nat1026]

OMG that is the most cracked-out thing I've ever read! I mean, hey, if that's your thing, then good for you, but what's good for your goose, is not good for this gander! That some heavy crack smoking...then again, maybe that's an insult to crack users. But thanks for the laugh, Jo!

[Jen]

Okay, I'm game, but a few thoughts:

1. What exactly are the "feminine arts and skills" to which I should devote myself? Scrapbooking? Blowjobs?

2. I should admire something masculine about my husband? How about this: "Honey, your Adam's apple...it's so...manly"

3. We're better than robots? Who knew?

Thanks for the link, Jo...now I know what my true duties in life should be!

[susan]

Oh Girls, those were the good ole days, eh? You know, when women used to sit around the fire, slack-jawed, busily lactating; our pitiful female brains simmering in primordal hormone stew, just waiting for our man to come home and drag us by our hair into the cave in that time-honored "Sex for Meat" arrangement. Makes me all hot just thinking about it.

[jilbur]

Hmmmm ... Susan, come to think of it, that makes me kinda hot too. *Homer Simpson voice*: mmm, fresh meat ...

[Tracy]

You know what's weird? Go into "Past Months" and read the main article for last December. Her views on Christmas are not what I expected:

"When parents play the part of Scrooge, unwilling to go to the trouble to make a nice Christmas for their children, the children may have the impression that their parents do not care about them and perhaps do not love them. We are not suggesting that they spend more than they can afford, but they should not spend less than they can afford."

I guess that's part of being a Fascinating Mom. Submit to your husband, don't spend less than you can afford on toys for Christmas, and be sure to buy your daughters a copy of "The Fascinating Girl" (formerly titled "The Secrets of Winning Men!!!!")

[susan]

Tracy, I think the 2001 version of this was called The Rules and the 2002 version was How to Marry a Millionaire.

Jilbur, you kill me. Love your site too.

[Tracy]

Susan, you need to check out her entire Bookshelf page. Scary stuff.

[Jo]

Damn, I think "Sex for Meat" would be an excellent name for a band. Or a blog.

[Julie]

I don't think I even own a "feminine dress." I hope God will not smite me for my butchly ways.

[Gretchen]

Wow. I had no idea.

[susan]

"Sex for Meat - a great name for a blog." hmmmm....now girls, don't go giving me any ideas. It's all I can do to stop myself from starting one of these. So far I've managed to get by just reading and writing comments on all of yours. But if I knew any good hackers, I'd certainly consider asking them to hack into the "FascinatingWoman" site and changing the name on the banner to Sex for Meat. heh

[Kristina]

I found the Surrendered Woman freak show a couple of months ago and then a few weeks later, after a particularly satisfying bout of sex, he looked at me and said, in all seriousness, "Kristina, darling, would you please read the Surrendered Wife book?" I couldn't stop laughing. Thank God he was joking.

[Mollie]

Ohhhhh... so these are the people who are voting for Bush!

[Mollie]

Ohhhhh... so these are the people who are voting for Bush!

[Menita]

Oh. My. God.

[OliviaDrab]

I HAVE THIS BOOK!!!! I swear to Joey Ramone, I do. I bought it in 1995 when I worked for a crummy University bookstore and it mistakenly came in with a box of oversized algebra books. I made it a hobby from then forward to purchase every freakish novel of faux feminine advice.