Scream.

I would like to know who took my child and replaced her with a wolverine in the middle of a psychotic break.

Lately it's been a Perfect Developmental Storm: turning 3 and attendant too-big-for-her-britches syndrome, baby on the way, leaving for third major trip of summer, this time involving airplanes and staying in other people's houses, and then the crash-and-burn re-entry thing we are apparently doing right now. Add to that the unfamiliar environment of Shabbat services and my failure to get enough protein into her, and I have to say, today was, hands down, the single worst day of my parenting life. Worst. Absolute fucking worst.

She started the day by being a total shit during kids' services, whining "I don't want to STAY HERE! DON'T SIIIIING!" so that we had to leave. Consequence of that particular action being that we don't get to play at the park afterward -- just get our farmer's market stuff and go home. Well, nobody expected her to take that well, and she certainly wailed about it, but after we got home she started in with her new trick, which is a shriek that sounds like a police whistle blast and which is repeated in short and long bursts until parent and presumably bystanders feel the urge to kill...rising.

And the rest of the day was downhill from there. My low point was to respond to the screaming (this is after HOURS of the police whistle) by getting in her face and screaming, wordlessly, right back. Not good. What else, what else...during an otherwise nice moment having chill-out time in her room, she smirked and kicked me square in the nose. Twice. At least I didn't kick her back.

So we are working on two object lessons here: You, child, are not in charge of what the family does, and while we allow you to make every choice possible, you don't get to dictate everything; and two, DO NOT FUCKING SCREAM AT ME THAT WAY. When things were calm, I talked with her about how great it was that she knows what she wants, and that she has a big strong voice, but Mama and Dada are NOT the people to use it on. That particular sound has been a huge trigger for me since childhood (ask my sisters), and it's literally all I can do not to hit her when she does that shriek thing. We always talk about how it's okay to be angry, blah blah blah. I would like a parenting book or expert who tells me that it's okay for ME to be angry. Because I am.

Three years old sucks. Visiting my grandparents sucked in that they kept reminding me how "good" and "obedient" I was at that age, how I never would have thought to have an opinion (like that was such a good thing, like it's served me so very well over the years), and then (after totally undermining my parenting by telling Sophia she didn't have to bother with such niceties as eating at the table after I told her she had to), suggesting spanking her. I restrained myself from pointing out what a very EXCELLENT example she'd set in her enabling oops I mean parenting such that four out of five of her living children were completely dysfunctional, because after all, it isn't NICE to say those things to your elderly grandma. And shoot, I'm nothing if not NICE.

What else sucks: not a single fucking parenting site or book in my formidable arsenal has incited a response in me beyond "Well, fuck YOU, asshole." Seriously. Not a thing. Not Haim Ginott or Faber and Mazlish or whatever other nice-sounding bullshit I have that seemed like such an awesome idea when I had a relatively tractable 18-month-old. Nothing. The way she acted today, I was considering taking her to the EMERGENCY ROOM, people. It was INSANE. Shrieking for HOURS on end. I wondered if maybe she needed tranquilizers. God knows I did.

I refuse to raise a child who doesn't know what "no" means and can't be brought anywhere in public for fear of total disruption (seriously, to disrupt a small informal children's service took some doing); at the same time I refuse to spank.  I catch shit from some people for giving her *too* much power in making decisions, and then every stupid parenting book suggests dealing with this phase by giving *more* power and decision-making opportunity. Look, books, I AM DOING THAT! I AM DOING IT ALREADY! THERE ARE NO MORE DECISIONS SHE CAN POSSIBLY REASONABLY MAKE! She dresses herself and gets to wear her shirt backwards if she wants to. She takes care of using the potty by herself 90% of the time.  If she makes a reasonable suggestion, I consider it, and say yes whenever possible. I even let her make "bad" decisions to deal with the logical consequences -- take a walk in dress shoes, get a blister, have to curtail walk. Wear winter dress on 85-degree day, get really hot, have to change. Fine. But I don't believe that our family will be best served by letting a three-year-old decide when and whether we buy food or do laundry or attend religious services, and you know, the reality of life is that sometimes these things MUST be done as a family.

So. Right now I would like to take out my aggression on anyone who calls herself or himself a "parenting expert" or "mommie mentor" or otherwise suggests I consider "honoring feelings" or "offering decision-making opportunities" or "setting clear boundaries" or some such bullshit THAT I DO CONSTANTLY OH MY GOD I'M SO TIRED OF DOING IT. The only thing that's helping is the Ask Moxie archives.

I wish I could have a bottle of red wine too. All for me.

Comments

[Kris]

Three sucks, my therapist tells me its ok to be angry, and even ok to snap once in a while, pregnancy hormones and a three year old suck worse than anything I've experienced before, until it came to having had that new baby, and being up all night, and then dealing with naughty naughty obnoxious three year old.

No assvise, but I hear it gets better. Hope that it does.

[caro]

I think "Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma" says it's ok to be angry, and I vaguely remember it being soothing last winter when I was screaming in my screaming daughter's face, but I can't remember the specifics, so beware...it might make you madder.

[BethanyWD]

Does it help if I mention that I, too, have screamed in my daughter's face?

Probably not, but just know that you are not alone.

I'm going to bookmark this post so when I'm feeling the same frustration, I'll know we're in this together.

Here's my recent post on a similar subject:
http://thatsnotgreat.typepad.com/bethany/2008/08/days-like-these.html

[Melanie]

Oh, Joanne. You are SO not alone. SOOOOO not alone. I'm 32 weeks pregnant and my son is a week or two older than Sophia and today we had one of the worst days on record. I think we had two good hours out of him today -- the rest, total shitfest. So, I hear you, loud and clear and sympathize fully.

[Carla Hinkle]

I'm so sorry. Three years old sucks. I also feel the majority of the parenting books are full of sh*t on the topic of a truly out-of-their-f'ing-mind 3 year old.

Ask Moxie archives aren't bad but mostly they come down to "keep doing what you're doing, they will eventually grow out of it" which is probably true but exceedingly disheartening when you feel like you can't take another MINUTE.

[Sam]

When my son was three I wanted to send him away to another country alone. One evening he steadfastly refused to go to bed. I tried everything. Eventually I brought him downstairs, and told him that in this house there are rules. If he didn't want to follow the rules he could find another house to live in. And then I put him out the front door (safe neighborhood, blah blah, away from street, blah blah etc), shut it in his face and locked it. I watched him from the peephole. Thirty seconds later he starting wailing. I opened the door, he went upstairs and went to bed. It was awesome. I feel your pain.

[Boulder]

I wish I had something to say that I felt like would actually help, but I guess I *can* say, "Wow, what a shitty day. I'm so sorry." I hope that helps.

I'm pretty sure I was an infuriating child, and my mother still recounts the time that she had to leave me at home and take my friends to an event because I couldn't stop losing my shit. She said she cried the entire time she was away, but miraculously I was fine and compliant for a good period thereafter, and? I don't remember it at all. Not at all scaring.

Can I ask a thoroughly lame-brained question? I took care of a strong-willed 6 year-old until she was pre-teen, and the point where she understood she didn't run the place was when I stopped letting her make all of the decisions like her mom had elected to do. Any chance that maybe this might be an alternate approach to try? Good behavior begets more choices, while bad means you decide?

Just grasping because I feel your pain. I distinctly remember being told by an insanely gifted child that I wasn't her mommy and she didn't have to do what I said. I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life taking that child's care on.

Here's the good news, though, she's a very successful woman in her own right, and I'm actually friends with her to this day. Silver lining to a very dark cloud.

(If I'm an asshat, please forgive me in advance.)

[goodsandwich]

HAHAHAHAHAHAerm. Yes, three is drawing to a close for us here, and I am here to tell you that sadly it will be more of the same. Ugh. This year has had its share of moments when my distress made my kid cry.

I suggest the book "Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy?" for its honesty about how hard this year is, and its repeated suggestion to leave the child with a sitter as often as possible. For reals. These old child-development ladies knew they couldn't reasonably tell us to drink our way through Year Three, so they came up with a great alternative. Hey, they're experts!

[Christoph]

As a parenting expert and mommie mentor, I suggest you start honoring her feelings and offer her decision making opportunities, while at the same time setting clear boundaries. It has worked for ages and should work for you, too!

[juliag]

Hmm...

For some reason I'm feeling compelled to give assvice. Which I just know will bite me in my own ass in six months when my guy turns three!!

First, I know you're probably not a time-out sort of person (neither am I), but I do kind of believe in the "this isn't a room that we shriek in, so if you CHOOSE to shriek [her choice, right ;)] then you can go sit in your room with the door closed". Give yourself a couple of rooms in the house that are no-shrieking-zones. You need this for your sanity. And it plays into giving her a choice. It's kind of like time-out I suppose -- like if you tell her the only place she can shriek is in the basement closet with the doors closed ;).

I just got through an annoying stage where DS was screeching "MA. MA! MA!!" by telling him I would only respond if he said "mom, come here please". It only seemed to be effective once I started talking to him in a near whisper and in a very kind voice.

The question of how much control to give a toddler is a hard one. I think too many choices can ultimately be confusing and overwhelming for a little one. I think it's okay (and good) to say "this is a mommy/daddy decision, not a Sophia decision...you get to make lots of other choices".

If she wants to make choices and enjoys making choices then she needs to appreciate that you feel the same way...that you get to exert your control sometimes too. That is how she will learn what it really is like to be part of a functional family...one where everyone gets to be an active member of the family unit, you know?

[kathleen999]

Christophe apparently likes to live dangerously.

I agree with the three year old book mentioned above. It basically says that three year olds are assholes and that you just have to leave them be. By that, you should leave them at home while you run errands (when you can) and if you take Sophia to the grocery store, tell her that if she is naughty, you will leave. And then do. Nothing seems to get the message across better than losing out on doing something that is perceived as fun. I have put one screaming kid into the stroller while the other runs away from me, then run after the other screaming kid and wrestled him in too. Then off we go, kids sobbing and mommy fuming. But they are starting to get that they can't misbehave without losing out on something good. We also do time outs which have gotten more effective as time goes by. Now I pretty much just have to ask if they want a time out and the bad behavior stops.

I have a screamer too, although he is a boy. I tell him to use his inside voice and when he refuses, I clap my hand over his mouth (not his nose) until he stops (usually a second or two). Completely cuts off all the sound and surprises him. Other than that I recommend just getting home and dumping her in her room and telling her that when she is done screaming, she can come out. If necessary, get one of those doorknob covers so she can't get out. Then just sit outside the door and listen so you can be sure she is okay. Most likely the screaming will stop and the crying will start and after a moment you can offer her to come out and have a hug. I know it sounds awful, but it is a consequence she can understand and most likely will interrupt her pattern if she knows she will lose her audience and hence her power over you.

I sometimes have had to leave the dinner table in order to get one of my twins to eat because if I am there he uses not eating as an attention getter.The trick is to find ways to give her consequences for bad behavior that don't make you lose your shit. Because nothing can make you lose it faster than a three year old. I know, I have two. It takes all my self-control not to spank them or yell at them or possibly mail them to Zimbabwe.

Good luck and I hope any of the above might help. I guess this is the worst phase they go through and after this it gets a lot better. I hope.

[Eliza]

I have long maintained that THREE, not two, is the *terrible* age. I have worked in Early Childhood Education (in the capacity of the administrative assistant of a preschool, but because I subbed as necessary to meet "ratios" I had to take the Continuing Education and have the background check and be a Mandatory Reporter), and I would do anything, ANYTHING, including go into the industrial kitchen and cook lunch for the whole school and do the DISHES afterward so that the COOK (who was also required to do all of that blah-blah stuff so SHE could sub) could sub in the three-year-old class. I would cheerfully wipe asses all day long in the infant room or go over to the after-school program and help bratty tweeners with their homework. CHEERFULLY. If it meant not going into THE ROOM OF SCREAMING. Because that's what it was. The screaming? HORRIBLE. TWELVE OF THEM DOING IT? For some reason we had a hard time keeping teachers for that room, and after I was forced to sub in there for a solid week I threatened (as an at-the-time single mother of THREE special-needs children) to QUIT MY JOB (you know, the ONLY job I could possibly have and be in the some building as all of my kids at the ONLY preschool in town with an on-site nurse who could deal with medically-complex preschoolers) if they sent me into THAT ROOM one more time. I told the director of the preschool that either SHE could go in there her own self and have a miserable day with THE SCREAMING while her administrative assistant answered the phone, or she could go in there to maintain ratios ANYWAY but not HAVE an administrative assistant to answer the phone and it could ring off the motherfucking HOOK (and yes, I did in fact say "motherfucking" to my boss, but no children were present at least and normally we were the very best of friends who would say such things in front of each other but STILL, I dropped the M-F-bomb in a PRESCHOOL to my BOSS in ANGER and risked my family's LIVELIHOOD to avoid those three-year-olds! And I'd do it again!)...three just sucks, period, and of COURSE you get angry, and I wouldn't presume to give you advice because obviously your bases, they be covered, but I will offer you something that has helped me survive two three-year-olds (and sweet merciful Godiva, the littlest turns three in a couple of weeks...). I won't say "with my sanity intact," I'll just leave it at "survived" and rest on those MOTHERFUCKING laurels. You do everything you are already doing (don't say "no" unnecessarily, allow child to experience consequences of poor choices, allow child to make own choices whenever practical, etc.) and then when they start with the screaming you tell them "Either you ___ (sit still for the rest of the culturally-relevant singing, sit at the table and eat your food with the rest of the human beings, stop kicking me, etc.) or else that screaming is your way of telling me that you ___ (need some alone-time in your room, are too tired to stay up another hour until your usual bedtime, don't WANT Santa to come this year, etc.)" and then you grit your teeth and weather the screaming, but periodically remind the child that THEY chose to ___ (skip the playground, go to bed early, get out of the tub as soon as they are reasonably sanitary rather than play with their tub toys). With GREAT satisfaction. I could try and argue that it helps the child see that the screaming is NOT the way to get what they want, that it makes them consider cutting it the hell out, etc. and probably those things are true (maybe my kids would have screamed MORE had I not repeatedly done this?), but mostly? It makes YOU feel better. Or at least it made ME feel better.
Three-year-olds suck. And, I will not lie to you, three-year-olds who become older siblings WHILE three? Act like TOTAL assholes. But they DO start to learn--my oldest child, at three, developed the lovely little parlor trick of crapping their pants EVERY TIME I sat down to nurse the newborn. I have no idea how the kid managed to crap so much during that period of time. But what finally stopped the little turd from doing that and smugly singing "I've got POO-poo MOM-my!" was my saying "okay then you can stand OVER THERE, on the linoleum, and WAIT until the baby is done nursing and I have changed the BABY'S diaper, and THEN I will help YOU clean yourSELF up" for two days in a row (the child was fully potty-trained before the baby's birth and this was totally deliberate and premeditated, I'm not that mean, I promise). And it WORKED. File that away in your mind, you may need it.
So yes, I am essentially urging you to tell the child "don't START none, won't BE none." Both because it's sound and logical and because it feels GOOD to toss over your shoulder as you leave them in their room.
My sympathies on the suckage that is the TERRIBLE THREES. Because they really do suck THAT MUCH.

[Kristyn]

3 was good for me. But as soon as 4 hit, it has been all down hill from there. My 4 year old turns 5 this November and I already see the light. Whew. But sometimes, when your husband asks how your day was you just have to say "_____ was a total shit today." Then you confess to your hubby about your worst parenting moments of the day and you feel a little better. And then you check on your little one while they are sleeping that night, and it all washes away because they have that sweet little sleeping face on them. Damn them for looking so cute when they sleep! Then you wake up with a refreshed attitude, although cautious, and hope today will be a better day.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Oh dear God. Mine is only just one, and I've already roared in his face in utter frustration. Where the hell will we go from here?! I thought the clutching cold hand of parental dread around my heart was bad enough already; then I read the comments. Now I'm just sat slumped in despair.

I have much sympathy to offer, and wish you the very best of luck, but have zilch actual advice. I think you're onto the right thing with the wine, mind you.

[heather]

From my admittedly limited experience, I think that the pregnancy plays a major part in this. I have a sister who is 15 years younger, and it was like having parent training. She was perfect at two years old, seriously, and I always told everyone that it was three years old that she was a stinker.
Well, I was pregnant during the time that my son was two, and I suddenly became a believer in the terrible two's. It seemed like as soon as he got a sense that I was pregnant, he started acting like a little crazy ( mean) person. The week my daughter was born, I was sobbing that i shouldn't be having another kid when I had ruined the one ( this was when he dumped 5 pounds of flour on the couch while I was in the back of the house making the beds...). I was fully prepared to have to keep him away from the baby for fear of violence against her. However, as soon as she was born, it was like something clicked for him; likehe understood why mom had been exhausted and boring for the last several months. In his case, I think having a new baby around was actually a relief, because before that, it had been all him and mom, all the time-too much of my attentio ndirected on his behavior I think. I love taking him to visit people who haven't seen him since then, they can't get over what a little gentleman he is now, two years later.
So just remember, this will pass...you wil lbe amazed one day to realize what a wonderful little companion she has become, yet again, once she works all of this out.

[Lilian]

I hear ya.

Four has been hard at time for us too. What with the hitting, the biting and the throwing stuff (yesterday afternoon in the car Linton threw a heavy toy airplane at Kelvin, puncturing his forehead and making him bleed profusely!).

I really don't have any suggestions of books or anything. Venting in the blog seems to be a helpful alternative, since so many people responded already... I hope what someone (or more than one) says helps... at least so you don't feel so alone in this.

[Perfectly Disgraceful]

Our younger child, who turned three in June, screams a lot. A lot. One thing I've noticed is that she's often at her very worst right before she gets sick. So just as her behavior causes us to start questioning everything in our parenting repertoire, we realize a virus is exacerbating her screaming. Case in point, she was really awful Friday evening, which we thought was overtiredness, even though she is usually at her best right before bedtime. Saturday afternoon? She came down with a fever and has been a moaning mess of miserableness ever since.

I've gotten angry at both her and our older child plenty of times. I don't beat myself up about it because I don't expect myself to be perfect. I expect myself to be better than my parents were, and, most importantly, to apologize when I get angry and yell. I think genuine apologies and discussions set a better example than trying to be perfect. Teaching by example to apologize for your mistakes is better parenting than setting up an ideal of unattainable calm perfection. I think. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing my own bad behavior.

[DoctorMama]

Four has been better. Because the shitty days -- the ones when you wonder why you ruined your perfectly good life by reproducing -- are farther apart.

More choices, fewer choices, time outs, yelling, holding them down, locking them in a room, taking away privileges, consequences ... none of it really changes the fact that they're insane. That's the sad truth: there are no techniques that work.

When he used to spit it my face or punch me, I used to run little violent scenarios through my mind. It made me feel better to think of all the terrible things I wanted to do but didn't. I told my husband this and he was horrified -- until one day he said, "Ohhhh -- I see what you mean!"

At three, my son just couldn't imagine the future well enough for consequences to overpower his urges. Now some days he can. But if it will make you feel any better, I went all Fatal Attraction on him the other day. He'd been throwing things and then laughing when told to stop, and finally he picked up this blow-up bouncing toy and winged it right at my husband's head. I went after him and said, "Give that to me, it's going in time out for the rest of the day." He giggled maniacally and wouldn't give it up. Then I said, "If you give it to me now, it goes in time out until tomorrow. If you don't give it to me, you won't get it back FOREVER." More giggling -- so I snatched it from him, grabbed a pair of scissors and hacked it up.

My husband was aghast, and the neighbors who were over were like, "Uh, we better be going!"

(It did settle him down ... but it wouldn't have when he was three: he would've just screamed at me for the next 72 hours straight. And I didn't feel very good about the whole thing.)

And fuck the advice of know-it-all relatives. I don't know if you remember my experience with taking HB to his grandparents' last August when he was almost the same age as Sophia -- suffice it to say that I've more or less boycotted them since.

Stay strong. It sucks when this thing that is billed as being so marvelous is so hideous, and it doesn't mean that you're not a kick-ass mother (and Sophia a kick-ass kid). Imagine if she'd been stuck with crappy parents?

[stephanie]

Three is hard. My daughter was awful during her third year, and it brought out my worst at times, too. I'm nearly positive there is no magical parenting formula to get through days like you had. You just have to muddle through the best you can and tweak your strategy with what works for you as you go. Best of luck to you.

[Sarah]

Since I'm late to the party, I won't repeat all the faboo advice that's come before. I will reinforce that she does need to get the message that she is not in charge of everythign (as you said was your goal), but that you can't always be the one taking the brunt of it. Even if a friend can take her for an hour or two, it is hell having to be a bulwark for ther massive will. Good that she has it, but it is easy to see why paretns used to just go for breaking it (short term thinking).
sorry she is such an intense one!

[Sarah]

And of course its ok to be angry! What she did was angering!

[Jo]

Hee. You guys are making me feel a lot better!

Juliag, we do do something very like that -- I'm not anti-time-out, and I do like to use it for "behavior that may not be done in polite company". And kathleen999, not a bad idea with the doorknob cover. We have left Target for running away, too. I like sudden, direct, logical consequences A LOT.

Boulder, that's actually a good point. We try to keep our choices to "This or that?" instead of the open-ended "what do you want?" but we are scaling it back a little bit. Sometimes (suppertime, for example), you get what you get.

Hee. Don't START none, won't BE none.

Christoph, I know where you work. :)

Also, today Sophia is Angel Child. Of course. Perfect, sweet, cooperative Angel Child. *head in hands*

[Anna]

Must have been something in the air - my 3 1/2 year old was a DEMON yesterday. I came within a hairsbreadth of spanking her - no screaming, but endless whine whine whine whine whine cry cry cry whine whine whine. At one point I think she asked to watch Max & Ruby about 400 times in a row (not exaggerating that number). THE ANSWER IS STILL NO OMG STOP ASKING.

By the end of the day I was just so ANGRY. I hate being angry with my daughter, but I also think there are times when it's totally normal and you just have to deal, you know? Somehow. If I wasn't also pregnant I think at some point I'd have had a stiff drink. I settled for a huge bowl of ice cream after the child went to bed, and sneaking into her room to cuddle her for 20 minutes before I went to bed.

Today she's just being an absolute darling. Kids are so weird.

[Missie]

We have an interesting experimant going on in our house. We have 2 girls born 49 weeks apart. The older one will b 4 in November, and the youngr one 3. With each passing day, the older one is bit by bit not as difficult a child as I assume she is, and my my little baby is morphing into an ass. Th kicker of it all is that I forgot all o this from when my 6 year old daughter was 3, but she sucked too.
A commentor on Tertia's blog described a 3yo as a "sucky little jerk". I have yet to find a more succinct dscription.

[Jo]

Oh, and DoctorMama? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA scissors!

I totally, totally get it.

[Kate]

Arrgh...I am terrified. My 19 month old is occasionally (4-5 times a day)insane and I have not figured out how to deal with it. So...ummm...I am not going to hold my breath for it to get better for a long time. Sigh.

No advice, only sympathy.

[Erin]

My kids are four years apart and my youngest is just three and a half now. I actually said to my husband the other day "I remember three now, three was the year I yelled a lot.".

Terrible Two's my ass, I've heard three referred to as the F-ing Threes and I agree. We also have the shrieking, the yelling, the arguing, the know-it-all-ness, etc.

The one thing that gets me through is that I know that eventually there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just a damn long tunnel!

[Stephanie]

THANK YOU, Jo, and commenters for making me feel far less alone. My beloved daughter is 3.5, and as much as I love her, her behavior sometimes makes me furious and resentful and I haven't found anything to read that makes me feel better. Til this.

[Mary]

My DH just had to take a walk around the neighborhood to get his shit together. J-man is happily playing in his crib now (and probably chewing his sleeper into slobbery mess) but he was a stinker for the amount of time he was awake today. It doesn't help that my morning sickness seems to be slowing torturing me to death. The J-man, who naps so rarely we can usually count weeks in between, took a 2 1/2 hour nap today - so I did too! That helped some.

[Kira]

I think one of the mistakes we make is that when we do all the reasonable, encouraging things with our toddlers - giving them options, listening and responding reasonably, etc. - we fool ourselves into believing that we're going to be able to bypass ALL the power struggles, because we're sidestepping THESE ones so nicely.
However, all kids eventually get to the point in their lives where they have to figure out if they can be the person who calls the shots (event to be repeated). And then we've got a kid with a strong sense of self, in head-to-head combat with us. The REASONABLE PARENT. Totally unfair.

[Sarah]

Much sympathy. Oh 3...yeah...and I really am not that fond of 4 either. Strangely both of my kids (7 and 4) have been playing with screaming today. Neither has been much of a screamer. This better not continue.

My only strategy when they are being little jerks is to try to get away. As in Grandma (who is luckily quite close by). On a weekend, my husband. The step away usually means I can give him a step away afterward. I guess divide and conquer...but is it them or us? If it is a day I rue being a SAHM...trips to their room? (a time out, but not with minutes or rules beyond: When you stop, you can come out) Being pregnant has made the whole thing harder. I can't carry them to physically put them in time out. I can hide in the bathroom.

Good luck. And yes, I think we must be able to be angry. We'd have imploded as a species if women / moms couldn't be angry.

[dawny]

Noise canceling headphones & a klausthaler? Does that sound too passive?

[Menita]

DoctorMama and the scissors...too funny, if I didn't feel your pain.
THREE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH.
I second the babysitter suggestion, or, you know, letting Sophia toddle down the hall to hang out with kids who are three and coming up on three so they can all be monsters together (what, you thought I called them monsters lovingly?).
We had such a bad day with Polly the other day that even K was thrown (IMAGINE!). And then, in an instant, she is the lovely, deep, tender child I know. Go figure. And when she does that switch, I feel like a battered, wounded thing, cowering in the dark. And I'm grateful. But I still want to smack her (have shown admirable self-restraint so far).

AND OH HOW I HEAR YOU ON THE GRANDPARENTS UNDERMINING THING!!!
ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!

Must go drink now.

[Jenny]

My girl was three while I was pregnant with my boy. There were many NOT FUN times, I think I have blocked most of the details from my memory though.

Alternately, I've had many NOT PROUD parental moments, and these unfortunately are more clearly etched in my memory. I resorted to spanking once, eek.

What I remember thinking during the rough part of 3 was that developmentally, and in response to the pregnancy, she was acting out more to test the safety of her boundaries. She could go batshit crazy, but mom would still be there, reading the riot act, enforcing the rules. She was changing, her world was changing, and darned if it wasn't comforting to make sure we can still make mom jump.

She pretty much kept testing until about four and a half. Just turned five, which is peachy so far. And 95% percent of all her testing and insane behavior was directed towards her parents, while she was and continues to be mostly incredibly sweet and wonderful with little brother.

These little people, they are so crazy-making, so wonderful, so tiring, so inspiring. What are you gonna do? Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em. Or so I've heard.

I just cracked "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be," by Davis and Keyser and have been really impressed by the overall tone. Wish I'd seen this one earlier, as I think I might not have dropped so much moola on other parenting books.

[rosie_kate]

I totally feel your pain on the shrieking... My 3yo does it, too, and I didn't know such sounds could come out of a small child's mouth.

Now, my apologies in advance, I'm going to add some assvice to the barrel... Maybe you already know/do this, but along with giving her choices as much as possible, give her work to do. Every member of the family should make a valuable contribution for the family's well-being. Everything that you can stand to have her do, give it to her as her job. Then praise her up and down about what a great worker she is. A child's goal from the time they're born is to be an adult, and they start learning that right away.

My 3yo want's to be a "worker man" like his Daddy and he always talks about being a man. So he has daily jobs that include feeding the cats, taking out the compost, putting away some laundry and dishes, cleaning up toys, clearing the table, "washing" windows, fetch-and-carry, etc.

It is very hard letting a 3yo "help" all the flippin' time, but it really does help the family attitude.

In any event, I hope things get better. Soon.

[kate]

Three is SO FUCKING HARD. The only thing that helps (for me) is flipping my three year old off (behind his back, of course). XOXOXOXOX

[Lee]

Didn't Moxie post something from a book about 3yo kids that basically said, "Get a babyitter"!

[heather]

You know, my 15-month-old has the odd bouts (I know! not all day!) of insane angry screaming. I'm also pregnant and generally impatient, so I've had to take the position that if she screams for no reason, I just ignore her. It doesn't always even curtail it, but it allows me to think about other things and (more importantly) stops me from freaking out on her entirely. Don't get me wrong: I'll stay in the room with her, but will literally read a book of my own, or, if in the car, take the opportunity to listen to NPR without any effort to interact with the craazed person behind me.

[Andrea]

Am at work so can't read all the other comment, but more sympathy coming your way from my end. Our son is three weeks younger than Sophia, and just yesterday, I said to my husband: "I think three is going to be a very bad year." This after hours and HOURS of whining and complaining and tempering and so much time-out-chair-sitting, we thought he was going to grow roots. Just for the record, boys can apparently also utilize the shrief when they feel it might be useful (which it's not, at least in our house, but it sure is DEAFENING and ANNOYING!!!!). So, no advice at all. We just try to hang on, be consistent, empower and teach, and hope for the best...one day!

[kathleen999]

I also should have mentioned that I tried yelling right back at my screamer boy when he was using his piercing scream as a weapon against me. I have a loud voice too (opera singer). And it didn't faze screamer boy, but greatly upset my other more sensitive boy. Oh well, I guess it was worth a try. But the hand is working better at the moment.

And coping? Some days I just keep repeating to myself...they will be going to bed soon. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...just keep putting one foot...

[Slim]

Our pediatrician said that if he had a bar graph of calls from parents about their children's insanity-provoking behavior, the bar for three-year-olds would be "up here" [holds hand way above head] and the next-highest, which would be all teenagers combined, would be "around here" [hip level].

You don't need parenting advice. You're doing great. You need to be reminded that no matter how well one parents, one's children are occasionally going to be little shits, because that's where free will leads them sometimes.

Sorry 'bout the red wine.

[Lioness]

I have no children, and no experience with them either, and I have not even managed to properly train my dog, which strikes me as hysterical considering I am 2 subjects away from finishing vet school and did research in ethology for years but hey, dogs aren't dolphins (or cows, for which I'm grateful, don't want Large Animals and hope to never in my life find myself being forcefully sucked into one's arse again), and I'd never had one - so. Also, apologies if I'm repeating anything but I cannot read the comments bcs I should be studying only right now I have no brain left and absolutely HAD TO see how you were doing (Hi! What a splendig parenthood time you're having! I'd worry only if you were not angry, it does sound very brilliant.)

That being said, I am now addicted to a show called Supernanny, with Jo Frost. I prefer the British version, not because I am a Britophile (I am, a bit), but because it seems... cleaner, I suppose, better editted, but the point remains valid for both, she does miracles in a quiet yet firm way. The woman is fabulous! There is actually an episode I watched recently about a 3 yo girl with such piercing vocal capabilities I nearly burst a vessel in empathy. God, even I felt the exasperation and frustration and sense of impotence and I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE! Plus, PLUS!, she looks so normal, i.e., not televised-to-death. You get the feeling she does her own hair and makeup and she sometimes looks a tad frazzled and is - natural, I reckon that's the word, not something I'm used to associating with the telly. Might be worth looking into it? In the meantime, kol hakavod for not throttling Sophia, woman. Oy.

[Lioness]

(This particular episode is the Senior family, UK version, just remembered the name because I remember thinking it would be a funny one for an American, John Senior Jr. Told you my mind was gone.)

[Vic]

My mother has a story about when my sister was three, and decided she loved to hear herself screaming. My mom's solution was to hold her hand over my sister's mouth AND nose, and then give her the option of screaming or breathing. My mom thinks of this as a parenting success story...

[karen]

1-2-3 magic. time out for mommy. babysitter. preschool. all good coping mechanism for an awful developmental age. plus sophia is probably anxious about the baby, even if she can't explain it. when i was pg w/#2 my 2 year old starting having nightmares about a bear coming into her room!

Ilg and Ames are always a good read when you're out of parenting ideas.

[Jenn (dish)]

May I just chime in with the others to say that three definitely sucks a lot of the time. I hate when I get so angry, and although I don't have the pregnancy hormones mixed in, I do have the one-year-old that wants to do exactly what her brother does. Which means that when the three-year-old starts wailing, the other one joins right in. I get to where I just look at them and yell, "STOP, STOP, STOP." And then I feel bad, of course...

[Amy]

Three is the worst. The WORST. My son, when he gets "in a mood", is out of control. Kicking, hitting, screaming this high pitched eardrum blasting sound. I used to scream back out of total frustration.

Now? He goes in his room. IMMEDIATELY, there are no second chances. No books, no toys, nothing. Gate goes up. He'll stand there and SCREAM. and scream horrible things too, like "shut up" and "I beat you up". I go to the family room, put his younger sister in the playpen, and put on my iPod. Digital equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and going "la la la". I remove iPod every second song to see if the screaming has stopped.

He's learned now that the faster he shuts the hell up and calms down, the faster he gets out.

In public, he learned even faster. The second he started a tantrum, we took him home. Sucked for us (ALOT. I mean ALOT. Driving an hour to the aquarium just to turn around and go home? SUCKED.) for a few weeks, but the day we left his friends birthday party after only a half hour, something clicked. He hasn't had a tantrum since (in public.)The little SOB knows I'm not kidding when I say we'll go home.

But 3 is the worst age ever. Horrible, horrible little A-holes. Every one of them.

[anonalthoughyouhavemyemaillol]

My daughter is 3 years 4 months. We went on a trip to Europe for 5 weeks this summer to visit my husband's family. She went completely batshit while we were there. It was basically exactly as you describe, complete with the Shriek. I nearly lost my fucking mind.
I also screamed in her face. I also did swat her once (not that she cared!) and *tossed* her into the pack 'n play she was sleeping in, way too roughly. I feel awful about all of that. But you know, you KNOW exactly how I felt!! I felt exactly like you do today. It's the most horrible awful feeling ever. It makes you question EVERYTHING you've done as a parent, or it did me.

OK, so two things. First of all, I had to temporarily let go of all the Haim Ginott/Faber & Mazlish, Becoming the Parent You Want To Be, type of stuff. I went for the simplest and most behaviorist techniques I could think of. When a child is screaming like a banshee and absolutely will not stop before she passes out, none of those other techniques are applicable.

Time-outs were what I hit upon. Swift and predictable and I'd leave the room while she was in time out. I put her in the pack-'n-play while we were in Europe and in her crib when we came home from Europe. I just put her where she couldn't hurt anything and left. the. room. And when she was calm *then* we could talk about feelings and whatever.

Anyway. I think it's a developmental thing (can't be coincidence that this seems common with 3-yo's) which is, of course, exacerbated by travel and otherwise being out of the normal routine. I'm happy to report that my daughter is as delightful as she's *ever* been, only one month post trip. I do NOT attribute that to doing time-outs or to any other strategy - I think as parents we make a mistake when we associate direct causality between any particular method of parenting and the "result". The time-outs were for MY sanity and also done in hopes of eliciting a Skinner box type result such that my daughter would hate being in time-out and stop screaming, but actually I think she stopped screaming because she just got sick of doing it, *especially* with no particular response from me other than physically isolating her.

So this month I don't have to use time-outs and I am thoroughly enjoying my charming child. I know she will probably flip the switch to demon child again eventually, but hopefully I will remember that this too shall pass and just find a way of getting through it.

Take care!

[it'smefromthelastcomment]

Oh yeah, and if your just-turned-3-yo is taking herself to the potty 90% of the time, THAT IS AWESOME! My daughter "un-potty-learned" this summer and we are still struggling a lot with this as she seems to think that taking time out to go to the potty is a big ole waste of her energy and she'd rather just pee or poop in her pants and let me clean her up. I have tried pointing out that it takes approximately 10x longer for me to clean her up than for her to just GO TO THE POTTY but she's a stubborn one. So even though she is in a very sweet and compliant phase right now, there is always *something*!

[rb in la]

i think you *should* have a bottle of wine. or two.

[rb in la]

oh, and how's this for assvice? hang in there, it'll get better. (probably.) we had some spectacular scream-ins, too, and it eventually improved.

[Kateri]

close your eyes and imagine you are in france.

see? now drinking that wine is a-okay.

[Courtney]

OMG, I think our daughters are related...and the sad thing is...my daughter is the THIRD born....her sister and brother never did this $hit. I have NO idea what to do with her. I have a sister who is a Yale and Harvard educated pediatrician, and even SHE laughs at what my 3 year old pulls.

I take heavy sighs, pretend I am experienced (BTW, 2 older kids mean $hit when the third one is Rosemary's baby!) and HOPE I can get through this beautiful last child of mine's life.

My "baby" taunted my second grader last night, while she was reading, saying, "She isn't a good reader" (side note, said second grader is reading at 6th grade level), and I said, "Yes she is, why would you say that?" And just as my second grader was struggling with a hard word, but got it right, my bratty 3 year old said, "See, Her isn't a good reader." :( And to add good measure to her brattines, she flicked the pages while my second grader continued to read the 6th grade book. Laughing like a hyena (sp?) when she stopped.

Girls are so mean.

[midlife mommy]

Yes, three really sucks. In addition to all the other bad things, my daughter started just looking at me and screaming in frustration when she was really, really angry. I'm sorry, but it makes me laugh at her every time (which doesn't help her, but it makes me feel better). She just turned four, and yesterday we had a meltdown. I'm hoping that it was a mere remnant of three.

[DoctorMama]

He has asked me since to please not cut up his toys. I said I wouldn't. I'm just glad he didn't start having castration phobia. Haven't tried a haircut yet either ...

[Jenny]

Once, after the shittiest day ever with my 3yo, the whole day of essential errands, full of whining and crying and tantrums and flinging self bodily on floor and insisting she knew my answers were wrong but demanding answers at the top of her lungs -- I took her to the car and screamed at her so loudly that someone called the police. So yeah. Bad days. But I keep muttering, "this too shall pass," because so many hair-raisingly terrible phases already have.

Sorry to comment so late. This just spoke to me. :)