That is, a lot of things, perhaps best enjoyed separately, yet suspended together in the medium of a blog post. Shrimp? Rice? Maraschino cherries? Enjoy!
Point the first:
I don't get why we (collectively, not you-and-me) bother having much of an opinion about whether so-and-so breastfed and how long and whatnot, when there is SO MUCH FUN to be had hating on the health care providers who give out shit-tay advice. Like, criminally shitty. To wit:
-Cure engorgement by pumping again. And again. And again.
-When that causes oversupply, KEEP PUMPING.
-When that poor woman's boobs are like that nuclear warhead on Lost they had to bury in concrete, tell her to quit nursing.
-Also that is a great way to cure mastitis.
-Inform new mothers who walk into your pediatrics practice that they must prove they can make enough milk if they are to be allowed to breastfeed.
-Tell a lady with a healthy nine-pound baby who lost five percent of its birth weight (at 3 days old, before milk is in) that she needs to supplement.
The first five are not only incorrect -- and it boggles my mind, how one could get the rule of supply and demand so very wrong -- but will make a woman absolutely miserable.
The sixth, somebody's just being an asshole. And setting women up to feel fearful and insecure. The final one is sooo not what the AAP says. (Up to ten percent weight loss is what's okay. And worrying about it in a healthy term infant before mama's milk is in, well, is dumb.)
I hear people say, and I totally get why you'd think this, that women who want to breastfeed (or birth in a certain way, blah blah) bear some responsibility for educating themselves and doing some preparatory reading or whatever. Okay, maybe in a perfect world we'd all be Childbearing Year autodidacts, and nobody would get anything over on any of us. I am all for taking responsibility for one's own health, but is it really too much to ask that the people we trust for advice be at least marginally educated on the subject? Since we live in a world where we go to doctors and nurse practitioners for health concerns, we should be able to trust them on the matters for which we seek their advice. There are many wonderful, aware, educated HCPs out there giving great advice and just being generally friendly and supportive. But there are a goodly lot of the other kind, and I wish I had some kind of Retribution Device to mail them. It might resemble one of those fake peanut brittle cans with spring snakes inside, except maybe the snakes would be made of stinkbait*. I don't know. We're still working out the bugs on that one.
All I know is that I had a breast specialist tell me once that breastmilk just sits around in the breast, a nasty culture medium, growing all kinds of unsavory things, and all women get mastitis until they stop nursing. What. The fucking fuck.
Point the second!
Remind me when I complain to you, the internets, about how my teenage daughter is acting just like a three-year-old, that I spent much of her third year complaining about how my three-year-old daughter was acting just like a teenager.
Point the third.
I'm bringing sexy back. Watch me.
No, seriously. It's the only facet of early '90s fashion about which I felt strongly that has not yet been co-opted by the hipsters of my neighborhood. I'll be a walking diaper bag. Think of the pockets! I'm totally gonna pull that shit off.
I draw the line at standing all pigeon-toed in my giant black mary janes, though. A mosquito. My libido.
Scary new study about metformin giving your brain the hooba-goobas. Alzheimer's: DO NOT WANT! But I do want further study! I can haz randomized control trials?
Tough call, really. Marginally increased chance of developing Alzheimer's versus certainly increased chance of developing Type II diabetes? If I was able to keep myself off that which is mentioned in Point the Fifth, maybe I'd have a better shot at drugless control. Still, says Dr. Michal Beeri of the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in New York, "at this point I do not think that there is clinical evidence for
clinicians to be concerned when treating their diabetic patients with
metformin." High five!
Point the fifth...
...easy availability of kosher marshmallows during the holiday season. Rice Krispies + kosher marshmallows + Earth Balance = one pareve step closer to diabetes.
I am embarrassed at how much I love Earth Balance. Not because it's an organic, non-dairy, non-hydrogenated alternative to butter that is cheaper than organic butter, but because the taste reminds me of Parkay liquid in a squeeze bottle. God, white Wonder bread soaked in squeeze margarine was SO GOOD.
Except Earth Balance is actually wholesome-y tasting, instead of petrochemical-y tasting.
My god, I love that stuff.
Seven: So all of you who find kosher-for-Passover Coke without high fructose corn syrup? Is it in the special Jew-licious Passover part of the supermarket where they put all the weird Israeli cereal and gross candy, or is it mixed in with the rest of the sody pop?
And point the eighth: It occurs to me that Earth Balance, being made of various seeds and grains, is certainly not K for P. Shoot dang.