So obviously it's hard to eat when your jaw is wired shut. My orthodontist told me that "Even if you live on Haagen-Dasz, you're gonna lose weight." Well, I certainly would, since an ice cream-heavy diet would cause me to be a diarrhea-powered rocket person. Take a minute to savor that mental picture. Okay.
Everybody foists Boost and Ensure and all kinds of oil-rich high calorie stuff on you for recovery, and the papers I got from my surgeon's office instruct me "not to lose more than two pounds per week if overweight," and not to lose any weight at all if you're at your ideal weight. Try four to six small meals a day, plus a can of Boost, they say. A quick perusal of various surgery offices' websites revealed a caloric recommendation of -- ready? -- 2500 calories a day! That's for everybody. Ladies too.
For comparison, a recent (some tabloid magazine I read in a hydrocodone haze) article about how much stars really eat listed one (god, what was her name?) as consuming 1,350 calories per day.
That's borderline starvation rations. By the way. In case you'd recently read any diet propaganda recommending that kind of intake for weight loss or (gasp!) maintenance. It's actually just under what my dad's doctors recommend he consume if he wants to not die. And while metabolism goes up when you're healing, you're also spending a lot of time lying around watching TV post-surgery. It's not like we're Magnus VerMagnusson over here, pulling school buses with our wired-shut jaws. We're roaching on the couch drinking gravy, watching Magnus VerMagnusson drag a bus with his teeth and wondering if this will be the time his head tears right off his neck and goes bouncing down the road.
I just love when they break it down to numbers, and the absurdity of it all becomes so obvious. If you want to lose weight, eat three lettuce leaves a day! And some lean turkey! If you want to not die, eat 1,150 more calories than that.