I'm all balled-up unfilled needs inside right now, and while some of them are par-for-the-course Mama needs (fifteen minutes to self, peaceful shopping trip as have few well-fitting clothes) some of them are harder to pin down. We'll call those the "Daddy Drank" needs. Not that our dad was cruel to us or violent, ever -- but there's something about an unpredictable adult presence that's just good to the last drop, forever and ever. Today Dad was calling each of his daughters in succession with increasingly weird requests. "Write down everybody's middle names and birthdays, because I forget otherwise." Later, "I want you to take down this letter and email it to your sister so she can send it to her mother-in-law."
The family is in unity right now with regards to Dad's ongoing treatment and prognosis, and we all find this stuff hilarious if aggravating in the moment, but argh.
It makes me need to shop.
Not that I can actually go anywhere in person, because there is the matter of the
little burdens beloved children, but I can tell the well's running dry when I elect to hide at my desk, hunched over eShakti or Anthropologie, imagining a life in which I wear fetching dresses while I stand in line at the taco truck, bopping ever so undetectably to the music from the record store. Also I wouldn't need prescription glasses so I could wear cool giant bug glasses, and my hair might be thicker.
No matter that I had that life and spent my free moments dreaming of dirt-smudged kids and spaghetti and the park and little pajamas. (I really did. My daydreams were nothing if not realistic.) Wouldn't trade it blah blah blah. My capacity for happiness has only grown.
But honestly? The clothes were better. And cleaner. And there was a lot more free time. These are just facts.
I did buy some new nursing bras. Why buy nursing bras when you have a 15-month-old? Well, for one, it's hard to find my size in a non-nursing bra at places like the Gap. For two, all my old nice-quality bras are just a little too small for my enormous rack, and even as I squeeze into them I hate having to actually deal with nursing in them. The bras that I can find play it fast and loose with the underwire placement, and man oh man. I do NOT need a plugged duct. You know what else? Most bras are just really, really uncomfortable to wear. I'm too big to go comfortably braless right now, and dude, when it's hot and muggy, I do NOT like skin touching skin.
Lucky for me, Bravado is making some awesome bras. I've been wearing the Bodysilk bra exclusively since Daphne was born (which is actually extremely flattering on me), and only now are they starting to look a little played-out. I got this and this. Let's hope they feel good and make my Lady Friends look fabulous.
Whoa. That was a digression, right? I was actually going to tell you about how we're lining up sitters left and right so I don't lose my frickin' mind trying to go to doctor appointments and the occasional haircut. I was scheduling all my doctor appointments (there are a lot, with the orthodontist and the surgeon and also the foot surgeon!) at weird times so I could borrow Sean from work, but that is just not the way I want to roll. And I was getting haircuts late at night (well, like eight), so after the kids were in bed but before they closed, and that sucked too. So I scheduled everything all in a block and Daphne is just going to have to deal with a four-hour babysitting session. Even if she cries the whole time. Which...she might.
Why is it every time I do anything away from the girls I feel panicky and selfish and horrible? Sean is supportive and happy to do whatever I need -- I just feel like, hey, this is my only job right now, why do I suck so bad at it? I tried to go try on clothes, and realized what time it was (almost 5, Sean was home with kids) and ran out of the store in tears. Because I had so totally fallen down on the job and dinner wasn't ready. That's weird. And unnecessary.
Also a darn good motivator to get on the back-to-school train. I think I might be saner juggling a work schedule and kids, much as I love being at home. I don't know. What do you think?
Also, how do you know your well has run dry? Do you window shop online? In real life? Read In Touch or Life & Style?
Time to heat up the leftover lasagna now. Only one more day of chopping up everything until it looks like Alpo! Yay!