Turns out that trying to fit an entire modernity ward into Facebook just clogs up everybody's pipes and attracts crowds of disgusted onlookers. I abandoned my blog at a nadir of creative energy -- or so I thought, anyway (more in a bit on that) -- and then found that the constraints of Facebook's itty-bitty short form reignited that energy and lent an element of focus to the proceedings as well.
In other words, I get strongest when I have something to push against.
In the blogless interim, I transformed some things: some relationships. The backyard. The inside of the house (ongoing). I surprised the hell out of myself by becoming a disciplined runner and changing the way I ate -- not the what, but the how.
I learned to sit with hunger a little bit. I learned that I could push myself. I learned that I could start from essentially nothing and become something new, and that being new on something was uncomfortable but freeing as well.
And I feel stronger and more grounded and more resilient than I ever have in my life.
In retrospect it wasn't a nadir of creative energy, just a shift: something telling me I needed to focus that beam inward, elsewhere. There are a lot of transformations coming down the pike and I needed to make myself ready for them. In reading back through my blog I realized that I have been talking about nursing school for THREE YEARS. And now my applications are in and I'm just waiting to hear back (in a month? Two?) about what will happen next. School is just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the water line is something new: confidence, I guess. Ballast.
So here's the blog back, you wonderful vultures. I should be a little embarrassed at how much I depend on you all for your responses and your commentary but maybe that's a relic from an era when the internet seemed separate from real life. I don't think there's a line there any more. So, real people of the internets, thank you for everything. I'm ready to start putting out again.