Baby: Pop a garter with a bow on it around her malleable little cranium. Or people might think she's a boy. She doesn't even have any hair, for god's sake. Make sure she doesn't wear a blue shirt ever. Unless it also has flowers on it. But the flowers have to be pink.
Toddler: Maybe the Cars-themed pull-ups were on sale but if you ever let her piss in anything that doesn't have a princess or a unicorn on it she's gonna grow up lesbo.* Everybody knows that.
Preschool: Don't let her get dirty. Oh, that pretty white dress, you can't go in the sandbox, you'll ruin it! Here, you sit in the car while your brother digs.**
School-age: Tell her to gang up with the other little girls! Chase the boys! Girls chase boys! But make sure she also understands that ew, boys are gross.*** She should probably still rassle 'em a little bit though. Just always let them win in the end. That will serve her well in years to come.
Extra credit if you can teach her how to exclude and manipulate other little girls. The best way to do this is by example.
Puberty: The day she gets her period, sit her down a the kitchen table. Hoist your old tape player up on the table and pop in The Nails' "88 Lines about 44 Women." Listen to the whole thing together. Tell her she has to pick one and be it from now on. Support her in her choice.
High school: Give her a 35-year-old book about sex written from a religious perspective. Get really drunk one night and wax rhapsodic about the "essential communion of souls" that sex is. When you sober up, scream at her about how she's going to get a disease.
If she gets a urinary tract infection, bark at her, "Well, next time tell him to do it RIGHT!" Do not attempt to elaborate on this. If she's such an adult she thinks she can do...whatever it was...that she did with that boy, she can damn well figure out what he did wrong.
After: Pester her for grandchildren. Reminisce fondly about the days of having small children underfoot. Tell her not to get pregnant, because it will ruin her life.
*Do people still actually say this?
**I totally saw this go down in Philadelphia once. Rich white lady and kids, for demographic sampling purposes.
***I mean, they really kind of are.