That's what Sophia has packed in her little ladybug lunch bag today. She helped make it, too.
I am either the coolest mother ever of all time, or I am about to entertain a visit from DCS, or at least a furious note home from the school for disrupting lunch time.
See, last night I was making one of my weird little Primal desserts -- 2 TB cashew butter, 1 TB cocoa powder, a teaspoon or two of vanilla egg white powder, some stevia -- and in kneading it all together I usually roll it up into a realistic-looking turd before I break it into little truffles to freeze. I mostly do this because one time I did it and Sean looked ill, and then I took a long loving bite of the turd and Sean actually gagged, so I make sure to do it periodically just to keep him on his toes. This is one of my secrets for a long and happy marriage. You are welcome.
So. Anyway. I was doing this last night and Sophia, who is perpetually dissatisfied with her school lunches, particularly the ones in which I replicate the lunch that she devoured happily the day previous, came wandering up and got very excited by my kitchen turd.
"Mom! Can I taste that?"
"Sure, but I don't know if you'll like it," I told her, since she hates cashew butter, and also everything that isn't cereal. Broccoli is now off the list. I gave her a little pinch.
"Mmmmm!" she said, as a look of somewhat malevolent glee crept over her face. "Mom, could I...could you put this in my lunch?"
"You like this enough to eat it for lunch?"
"Yeah! And can you make it look like poop? Just like this?" You could actually see the little gears in her head turning, catching, leading to ever more Calvin and Hobbes-esque imaginings. "I'm going to tell all the kids that it's poop and then I'm going to EAT it!"
So we made Sophia her own Lunch Turd. I could justify it by pointing out that I've been trying to edge her diet away from the constant stream of wheaty things she favors, and you can't get more awesome than a big log of protein and fat and fiber when it comes to fueling a long day of first grade, but really I'm just happy that my sweet little high-achieving nerd of a daughter has a prankish streak, and that her father and I can nurture it -- he by providing a library of Calvin and Hobbes books, and me by...well, you see the picture.
I'm just so goddamn proud of her.
I want you to be my mom.
Posted by: Ximena | February 28, 2012 at 09:35 AM
That is truly awesome!
Posted by: amy | February 28, 2012 at 09:38 AM
I lurve this story. I don't think either of my kids would ever do that!
Posted by: Tine | February 28, 2012 at 09:41 AM
I'm a teacher and I approve this turd!
Posted by: Fancy Pancakes | February 28, 2012 at 10:00 AM
Naaah, no need to fret over the proper designation. Sending your daughter to school with a realistic-looking turd roll does, in fact, qualify you for "coolest friggin mom, holy crap, SERIOUSLY!"
Posted by: Melissa the Morrow | February 28, 2012 at 11:16 AM
I just amazed you're allowed to send nut butter in to school.
Posted by: Brooke | February 28, 2012 at 11:25 AM
That is, without question, the most disgusting lunch item I have ever seen. You actually made my stomach heave.
Well Done.
Posted by: Jody | February 28, 2012 at 08:24 PM
I've been wondering all day how this went over. Update?
Posted by: Kristin | February 28, 2012 at 10:04 PM
The update:
"Some of the kids thought it was funny."
First graders are crappy reporters.
She did eat most of it. What remained sort of melted down into a brown scudge on the bottom of the container -- and it was legitimately disgusting, as I knew that a first-grader had been playing with it like play-doh with her gross little fingers. So I didn't eat it.
The end.
:)
Posted by: Jo | February 29, 2012 at 03:57 PM
Oh my, my, my. I LOVE YOU. You are the best mother ever!!!
Wow. I bow in awe.
My daughter would absolutely consider this. She's now going through a phase of 'only good attention' though so I'm not sure what kind of attention being 'the girl who ate poop is.'
It's badass though, that's for sure. What a bad ass kid you've got there.
Posted by: snozma | March 01, 2012 at 04:16 AM
I think that the part that I found most amazing was that your child will eat a nut butter. Mine only eats white food.
Oh, and the part where you are both hilarious. Well played!
Posted by: Sara | March 06, 2012 at 07:15 AM
Gagged at the pic, laughed at the post. I love the Lunch Turd.
Posted by: Joanna Brichetto | March 06, 2012 at 08:47 PM
That is awesome. Made me spit out my drink.
Posted by: Andrea (PARENTise) | March 11, 2012 at 09:38 AM