It's gonna be THAT day today: where I berate myself for not having paid enough attention to my sketchbook last week, and then for everything in it being garbage, and a waste of time, and what is the point anyway, because if people wanted to see the likes of that which I have made they would simply hie on down to the middle school art classroom and peruse the stuff that wasn't good enough to get taped up on the wall.
SO WHY BOTHER, is what I'm saying. To myself, as I run. (Forty-five minutes, by the way! Longest land run since December! I turned off the distance and pace displays on my watch so I could only keep track of time.) Oh and I got all panicky and was literally flapping my hands in angst when I saw what time it was and WHY WAS I NOT RUNNING YET.
No, I didn't have anything else to do. I just seized upon any opportunity for panic. You would think this stack of papers having to do with school finances and entry requirements would be enough to keep me busy, but those things are too stressful even to panic about so I'm just going to look at them and feel sick.
And I have to do something tonight that I very much want to do and very much do NOT want to do. This thing requires nothing of me. It requires that I sit and drink a beer in a room full of people I don't know (Lord, I hope I don't know them) and not interact, just sit there, but sometimes even the thought of visiting an unfamiliar grocery store is more than I can bear.
Complicating and simplifying matters: this is my hair right now.
The advantages of having a mohawk are that you are forced into strutting around like the badass you aren't, when you don't feel like it, and if you don't talk people think you are snotty and brooding or something, which can be worked to your favor. The disadvantage is that people are definitely going to notice you.
Anyway. I like to do things to force myself outside of my comfort zone, as a tonic, and sometimes I feel up for it and sometimes I don't and it's when I don't that I really NEED it, you know, so tonight I will be charging outside of my comfort zone (and seriously! not doing a damn thing, just sitting in a place!) and maybe that is what's bugging me out today. Or maybe all the Oreos I ate last night. I regret nothing -- it was a lush sensory experience that I can still recall with delight -- but a sugar-fest does give me a bit of a depression hangover.
My bravado is uneven, is what I mean.