The verdict is:
Huh. Dunno. Go get an ultrasound Monday and report back.
OH HOW I HAVE MISSED THIS! :clasps hands beneath chin:
Ovaries and uterus both feel a little enlarged. My bet is that my ovaries are cystic as all hell, string-of-pearls style, and maybe there's a little fibroid or two in the trunk? Maybe not? But definitely the ovaries.
Anyway I Said No To Drugs (meaning birth control pills), I resolved to look up that coil thingy they jam in your fallopian tubes after your child murders the family pet and you decide you don't need any more kids, and for good measure we dethroned the Tiny Copper Scarecrow. I got to look at it, all bloody and sinister on a paper towel. Don't let the labia hit you on the way out, asshole. Because that would hurt. Me.
I'm flying without a parachute now! Whee.