I will start at the end and work back from there. Y'all I am TIRED and I had my school physical today and many needles were poked into me and foreign substances injected under my skin and integral substances were removed from beneath my skin SUCH AS BLOOD and there's some extra stuff in that as well.
By which I mean Trileptal. I like that drug name because it sounds less like a dandruff shampoo than Tegretol I MEAN REALLY and also it brings to mind leprosy. Oh, I'm sorry, Hansen's Disease. Hanson's Disease, on the other hand, should be what it's called when you hit puberty and suddenly the world is no longer interested in you. It's debilitating. Or seems to be, anyway. What happened to those kids?
Trileptal. Yes. This is, for me, a mood stabilizer. Because I have a tendency to come at the world in ALL CAPS and things are either REALLY GREAT or REALLY TERRIBLE or, and this is diagnostically significant, BOTH AT ONCE.
My diagnosis, and I had to run back in the room and ask this because I was so delighted at being taken seriously that I forgot to ask before I scampered off the first time, is bipolar (mixed type). Which means I have ups and downs, you know, the obvious mood swings, but more -- dangerously? Disturbingly? Ominously? Inconveniently? -- I experience mixed states. All the juice of a hypomanic-to-manic episode, the racing thoughts and anxiety and agitation -- with the self-hate and irrational guilt and overwhelmed-ness of depression -- and that is how you end up in frantic unhappiness and desperately trying to shut off the fire hose of thoughts by punching yourself in the face, Fight Club-style. Or paralyzed and unable to accomplish anything, especially not the million incredible things you dreamed up when you were just straight hypomanic and everything was great and you needed seven drinks and a handful of Benadryl just to fall asleep but it doesn't work and so you stay up posting thirty-seven Facebook statuses that are increasingly inappropriate as the night wears on.
I liked the psychiatrist a lot. Tomorrow I will tell you a story about how well we got along and how we settled on Trileptal.