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June 14, 2012

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Glad it was awesome, and for the love of the great flying spaghetti monster's noodly appendages, do NOT wiki Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. That is all I have to say about that.

Actually your list of feelings does not look even one bit like whining. The circumstances are normal but the onslaught of feelings is, if I may be so bold, NOT commensurate.

It does not read like you are still-just-making-it-up.

Yay for an A+ in mood stabilizers and starting one right away. Fingers crossed!

Colleen, hee hee hee. I know, right? DEADLY RASH.

Davida, thank you. It is hard to remember that my internal state is not the same as everyone's, because I'm just so dang used to it.

I read this and think that you must be so very tired from all of that. That just sounds exhausting.

Also, I mentioned that my dad is (probably) bi-polar. There was a pretty terrible incident after which I learned that he actually got this diagnosis. And I learned that after having untreated bi-polar for years, a psychotic episode is not uncommon. So, yeah, treatment is good.

For God's sake, woman, make a commitment to get yourself on a regular sleep schedule! It helps. Knock yourself out with some Benadryl if you have trouble getting started.

I rarely comment, but want to second Davida - your response to what you are going through does not sound like whining at all - not even close - I am wildly impressed at the efforts you are making to get to the bottom of it and get it treated - as it deserves to be treated - seriously and well. I am betting you are inspiring lots of people...

Dear, dear, dear...
Thanks for sharing the less awesome version with us, I know the internal effort it takes -- it pains me to send out bad posts (I just wrote one, have finally reached a decision) out into blogosphere when I write much better ones I my head. I **totally** hear you.

Wow, that is a most excellent doctor. and Congrats on the A+ on mood stabilizers!! I hope the meds work ASAP, like today, tomorrow, soon! Thinking of you.

I've had SJS. DO NOT RECOMMEND. *lowers voice* You end up in ICU but worse than that it makes your nipples slough off.

You're welcome for that mental image!

just wanted to reiterate that you are [insert ridiculously long list of positive attributes] and *not* a whiner ... but lady, hope you can start practicing compassion and laugh with good humor at the neuroses you share with the rest of us mere mortals--rather than breaking out the whips and chains ...

whoops, forgot to add: if you want to do still more research into pros/cons of the various meds options, I highly recommend crazymeds.org ... if only for their killer shop selection (e.g. 'Batshit Crazy' Tshirt, 'Team Manic' coffee mug). but seriously, really good user-generated content, unbiased meds info with a quirky 'the patients are the real experts' perspective. Very empowering digital space.

Not that I want to say that you're not normal, but I don't think that is a normal onslaught of feelings. (Unless maybe I am the one who's not normal--strong possibility.) But I never hear such horrible things in my head, and I didn't before I was medicated, either. All those feelings you described sound unbearable, they don't sound normal. I think when someone has unbearable thoughts going on in their head, and they describe them, it's not whining. Whining is what my seven-year-old does when her sister looks at her funny. Describing unbearable thoughts is a way to get validation that, yes, those thoughts are indeed unbearable, and by all means medicate. No one would expect you to suffer with physical pain that unbearable.

No, it totally sounds like A Condition for Which You Need Medical Help. You wanna know when you're sounding like a whiner? I'll be happy to tell you. Until then, cut yerself some slack, eh?

Your list is not whiney. OF COURSE you want to turn down the dial on such thoughts. It's too much, all at once, all the time. You'll have an easier time being kind to yourself once the meds kick in.

MFA Mama, I...I...oh god.

So, seriously, y'all? That which I described (which is but a tiny and rather sanitized little shred of the daily goings-on inside modernity ward headquarters) -- it really isn't like that inside everyone's head?

I realize I sound either attention-seeking or just stupid, but I honestly thought for years and years (and still suspect) that 1) other people are more competent or just BETTER and so they don't HAVE to think those things and 2) those things were TOTALLY NORMAL to think, or at least appropriate for ME to be thinking.

It is blowing my mind to contemplate other possibilities. Which, sadly, doesn't turn off the firehose automatically, but it does cast the output in a different light.

Moments of low self-esteem are normal. Occasionally flashes of "everything sucks why can't it be like I want it to be" rage are normal.

what you're describing: neither attention seeking or stupid or normal.

i have a friend who has terrible, chronic pain, it comes and goes in waves, sometimes better, sometimes worse, but never entirely gone. he uses various meds, some legal some not, and does the stuff that helps: keeps his weight down, tries to exercise, generally tries to take care of himself. but the pain can only, at best, be managed; it will never go away, and will probably get worse.

and when he is in this terrible pain, he says he feels like he's just whining, and that everyone is just bored by it, and that he should probably just shut up about it because lots of other people have it worse. and it pisses me off so much when he says that -- am, in fact, training him to STOP IT already. because it's stupid and wrong. when he's in that sort of pain, he NEEDS to tell someone, someone who will listen, and take him seriously, and care.

i'm feeling pretty much the same way about you sweet pea. STOP IT already. when you are in that sort of pain, you NEED to tell someone, someone who will listen, and take you seriously, and care. and if you insist on calling yourself a whiner, i might have to put you on the same training program ;-)

OKAY marta. JEEZ. :)
(Love you!)

Okay, sistah, just adding my voice to the chorus of: "uhhh, not normal...."
It is amazing and frightening to consider, I know, because recently it occurred to me that abject panic is not, you know, REGULAR. It is not normal to have an anxiety stomachache on the way to, say, the grocery store. I was all, like, "WHA??"
I am happy and relieved for you that proactive management has begun. There should be a cake or balloon for that.

There WAS a cake. I'll show you later.

Hello. I'm not a regular commenter, but I have read your blog on and off since before the name change.

I have bipolar. I don't talk about it in my real life, outside my family, my team of therapists and other medical types, and a very few trusted friends. But I'm pretty open about it on the internet.

I got my diagnosis (Bipolar 1) after being hospitalized, two-and-a-half years ago. I'd had some psychosis, and various sorts of episodes, from manic to mixed {mixed really are awful-- that's what led me to the police station (?)in search of help.}

I'm giving you this backstory to give some context to my meds experience, in case anecdotes from the trenches seem useful. In the hospital, they started me on lithium and klonopin. I was very happy with the results of that combo, except that my face broke out and my hands shook.

They added Zyprexa, which I was not happy about. I put on forty pounds in four months, and have yet to shed them. (I begged my psychiatrist to let me see how I did off of the Zyprexa-- I was fine.)

I worked with my hands, so the hand-shaking was more of a problem for me than it would be for most people (and not everyone experiences it.)My boss docked my pay, because I couldn't sew as fast as I used to.

Anyway.

I got pregnant in the late fall of 2011. It wasn't expected, but it was very much wanted. When I found out, my psychiatrist took me off all my medications (I've found out since that this is both dangerous and unnecessary, but he gave me no choice in the matter. the good news is we're all fine.)

I had a special psych team to work with right before birth and for the first months postpartum, because people with bipolar have an increased risk of PPD and a 40-70% chance of relapse without treatment.

They restarted lithium therapy the day I gave birth (I couldn't breastfeed) and slowly ramped up my dose (had to be careful because of all the changes in fluids postpartum-- as I'm sure you've dealt with!)

I'm just on lithium, now-- a slightly lower dose than I was after the hospital. My hands don't shake. I feel good. I've been episode free this whole time (which, since I have a ten-month-old, I regard as particularly amazing and, well, a blessing.)

Other than needing to take blood screens every six moths, lithium is really easy to deal with. It's a salt. It's a drug that's been tested on real people with good results for well over a generation. We know what it does, and there have been huge strides made in how it's dosed (if you've read Kay Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind," you should know the negative experiences she describes with lithium were back in the seventies. Her own work has lead to subtler dosages-- she's been on it for over 30 years without an episode.)

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there because a lot of people hear the word "lithium" and think "Whoa! that's serious shit." It doesn't have to be.

As for hormonal BC, yeah, it's not great for people with mood disorders, generally. I'm saving up for an IUD.

But it sounds like you have a great doctor to help you work that all out.

Anyway, good luck. Bipolar's not so bad, once you start getting used to it. If it's good enough for Stephen Fry, it's good enough for me!

^^^^ That should read "I got pregnant late-fall 2010." oops.

Its really funny about indains.After 96 world cup it is a habit that Sri Lankan team throw them out of multi nation tournements.In Asian cup also indains last match is against Sri Lanka.I really feel soory for them. Best thing for india is playing their own country.the pitches are made for them.out of their country indian team is nothing.I hope atleast they will win 2 t20 matches against zimbabwe.After that they can think about making a good fight against Sri Lanka. (0)

lankan soul come on my dear iidnan friends try to understand the reality u guys r not talented like srilankans ..india always wins a match with one man performance , with umpires help or with crowd support not as a cricketing team .no team spirit with you guys ..only anger and jealous.that's y u guys always have fights inside the team.. (0)

I've never had nightmares and soledm remember I've even dreamed.Maybe I don't sleep deeply enough .Have never had vivid dreams.Glad your dr is monitoring your meds, and also very glad they are helping! You are lucky to have a dr. who will try to even things out for you.

Shadow died in my arms and I had them put him on my backseat of my car and bruoght him home, where we buried him in a very pretty grave by the house. I am still trying to deal with the fact that maybe(optimistically speaking) that had I had a better vet, he would have found this soon enough to save him. All along this fatty tumor was a growing cancer. Anger will not bring him back tho. May our good friends find each other in God's Heaven =) ~spooky~

Hello, I am Shadow's video owner. I only got the one comment on my Remembeing Shadow video. The one where you asked me if I got the other. Thank you for taikng the time to acknowlegde my lose and I am so sorry about your beloved Christian. He looks like a wonderful friend/companion and so friendly. I am not sure why your message didn't go threw. Sometimes YT has glitches and we all just have to deal with them.

I read your story and watched your video. I just lost my dog and best firned after 13 years. Alittle short tuxcedo lab/aussie Shepard. He also had a problem with arthritist in his right hip. He was taking glacosomine for that. He was also over weight but they kept saying he was okay

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