I think the Tri-reptile or whatever the hell it is is starting to work. I don't know. Remembering things like words? and concepts? is not my strong suit these days.
But I do get these stretches, now, of feeling...ordinary. Neither flooded with happy juice nor sitting at the bottom of the Marianas trench. And when I do start bouncing from one extreme to another, I am able to recognize it rather than being consumed by it. Of course that doesn't shut off the faucet, one way or the other, but it gives me just enough distance to exercise a little self-awareness.
For example I spent most of Friday's daylight hours driving our van eastward, happily contemplating each of my friends and acquaintances and how much I loved them and how happy I was to have them in my lives and we are all connected and just wonderful and I am so glad to be here, and you know what, I am going to make a comic about this but after I hug everybody and food, no, I'm not hungry, it's cool.
Until about 7 pm when I suddenly became the most horrid creature ever to settle into a hotel room and I can't believe I ate that cookie and here's what I'll do, I'll just NOT EAT for the rest of the weekend and then I will have really earned that cup of fat-free yogurt and I will let myself have a tiny slice of wedding cake and THAT IS ALL but NO FOOD ALL DAY OTHERWISE and I am going running now, at 9 pm after a 9-hour drive. Maybe I will just skip the wedding. Or offer to watch the kids so everyone else can talk. GOD THE KIDS STOP TALKING KIDS NOBODY TOUCH ME
Next morning, fine.
Sunday, fine. Mellow, even, with the children. Able to withstand talking/wiggling/minor property destruction without an outburst.
Monday, fine (and up another rung on the dosage ladder). Was able to decide on run vs. weight lifting without an angry panic. A little slowish and stupidish but even of temperament until, round about 11 a.m., I remembered that I am an ugly sack of crap who will never be good enough, never ever, and I am failing everyone who loves me, and I don't understand why these amazing people love me but I will trust that they do and that is just a new realm in which I am failing them, that I don't understand why they care about me.
The difference, now, is that I've had a taste of the even mood and the perspective that brings. I can see that this IS a mood, not gospel truth, and I can hope that it'll end.
Be interesting to see what's under it. Like, is that some low self-esteem in there, left over from the '90s? Do I have to address it? The interconnectedness of everyone, that's real. I'm sure of that. Because it keeps me alive.