Yeah, I'm sorry, I am having this constant mixed state thing happening and it is horrible. Sometimes I get a reprieve and feel normal or kind of sedated for a few hours and that is such a relief.
In the breaks I try to do nice things with the kids.
I deactivated my Facebook account and I shredded the stuff in my sketchbook, save for one inked drawing of the creek behind the house I grew up in. I'm not getting anywhere near an open mic. I am not going to take down the blog but just please don't get worried if I don't post for a bit.
I realize the irony of announcing this on a blog, but: I think it's time to hobble my creative impulse. Facebook is just another way for me to annoy the internets; the sketchbook is just more delusions of ability and creativity. It did give me pleasure, I guess, to think up a status or make someone laugh or draw something or write something, but in the end all it is is an embarrassment to me and to my family, an imposition on the people around me, something I'm waving in your faces and insisting you tell me is Very Nice.
And to burn out the remnants of it, to cripple my ability to force myself upon other people, that's something I have to do while I have this clarity. Before the joy chemicals saturate my brain again and I start thinking it might be a good idea to tell a story or draw something.
There is a bit of loss attached to that but that's a selfish vestige of an inaccurate self-concept. It has to be, you know? I'm more like a bubo than a repository of insight: what's inside me, if it gets out, is something foul, something that should be purged in private rather than shared.
Oh and don't worry, the therapist and the psychiatrist know about this. They agree it's a good idea.