Hulk Smash Head On Punk Rock!

Holy crap, it's like so totally Fall here, all of a sudden. This only underscores certain key issues for me, among them 1) the passage of time and its ever-increasing speed and 2) the approach of my 28th birthday (Yeah, yeah, I'm a youngun. I know it. So shut up about it already.), and let's not forget 3) pre-adopt consult Thursday. I'm feeling as positive as a pregnancy test isn't, but sometimes the roiling chaos* of the universe laps right up against the front porch, see, and I get to feeling a little discombobulated. There's one thing that reliably gives me the illusion of comfort and control, in these situations, and that is the making of lists. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, for The List-ening.

(No? How about "Listing to One Side"? Well, what would you say to "Get My List On"?)

(That's not a very nice thing to say. God, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?)

(You do what with that mouth?)

(Can I see?)

*a word I always read as the plural of Chao, as though Elaine Chao and Manu Chao were standing, suddenly, together, looking bewildered as to how they'd gotten there. No, wait, I bet they just went to Hardee's for Thickburgers. Hence the roiling.

Things About Which I Am Not Worried, In Relation to Adoption

That I won't be able to love a child to whom I am not biologically related
That my child will be confused about who Mommy is (well, any more so than Mommy herself wrestles with that existential question)
That my husband's record check will display a heretofore undisclosed arrest record
The money, 'cause we're getting the mad familial hookup

Things About Which I Am Worried, In Relation to Adoption

Whether the children will hate me (I know, I know)
That the social worker will tell us, "You're just not the kind of people we're looking for."
That the dog will bite the social worker
That I may alienate all the well-meaning people who assume and congratulate us on our obviously charitable motives with my ranting and spittle-spraying
That I may actually close my hands around the throats of those who say nasty ignorant things about or to my family -- and squeeze
That it'll take forEVer (the adoption, not the strangling)

Things Which Test My Agnosticism, in a Pro-Deity Fashion

That most indie rock bands who do Philadelphia shows play in the First Unitarian Church
"Just Like Honey," Jesus and Mary Chain
That my husband accidentally wrote it, recently, as "Just Like Hiney"
That he later suggested we teach our child to say "Jesus and Mary Chain!" as a swear
That, while reading over my shoulder just now, he pointed out that I'd written "Jesus and Mary Chair"
The paddle spanking John Edwards gave Dick Cheney about forty minutes ago re: record

Things Which Test That Same Agnosticism, Godless Flavored

That this debate has to happen this way at all
Everything else Bush Administration

Barely Worth the Effort

Scalia's correction
Turning your underpants right-side-out at 4 p.m.
Putting away the wine glasses, these days

Eerie Unintentional Transitions Between Songs on Very Old Mix Tape

Muppet Show theme that jumps, immediately after "It's the Muppet Show!", to a backwards distortion of "If You See Kay" by the Poster Children
Backwards "Wrong" by Archers of Loaf to forwards theme from "Hill Street Blues"*

*This sounds okay backwards.

Covers that Either Disprove the Existence of God, or Definitively Prove the Existence of Satan

Tatu's version of The Smiths' "How Soon is Now?"
Sebadoh's version of Nick Drake's "Pink Moon" (seriously, Lou. Dude.)

Not Included in the Hemnes Dresser Assembly Instructions

"Shoddy craftsmanship is just another form of terrorism," according to Sean
That said assembly will place a more dire strain on a marriage than four years of infertility
Pan of cinnamon rolls, despite what the aroma of the self-serve warehouse would lead you to believe
Preloaded syringe of animal tranquilizer, which is unfortunate, considering

Musical Epiphanies

Smash Your Head On the Punk Rock not that great a cassette
Cassettes not that great a medium anyway
Cassette in question not actually mine, but pilfered from beloved friend some years ago
While most of Michael Penn's musical decisions on March have held up over past fifteen years, drum machine programming has not

Recently Did While Drunk

Called several male friends around me so that I could point out and compare the genitals of various male models in a long-underwear advertisement
Referred to one model as "Mister Potatopants"
Revealed my vast knowledge of alterna-porn somewhat out of context
Passed out on cold floor
Snored

Comments

[sean]

<*stub!*>
"ah! Jesus and Mary Chain! That fucking-- Who left this here?"

& now it is time for my bedtime peanut butter and hiney sammitch.

[Mollie]

Jo, there is just so much about you to love.

I'll write more about that later, now I have to go watch the rebroadcast of an ornery evil white man getting paddle-spanked.

[Kimm]

Jesus & Mary Chain? The Poster Children! Oh. Oh my. I have music in common with a 27 year-old. Either you are super cool, or I'm still kinda cool, or I'm just a big fat old dork who's gettin way too excited over nothing.

BTW, when you spoke of Chaos, I thought for sure that you were going to refer to AB Chao (hashai.com) who also writes a funny and clever blog I read. Not affiliated with her or anything, I just like her sensibility a lot (as well as yours).

Did that mean old Dick remind anyone else of Monty Burns or is it just me?

[Mollie]

Paddle-spanked? Did I watch the same debate?

They both bummed me out. Dick is just simply frightening in his slickness and his refusal to answer the question that is asked of him; Edwards is like a goofy, friendly dog trying to pretend to guard the house, half-heartedly barking but still wagging his tail.

And yes, Kimm, Mr. Burns is right. Mr. Burns with broader shoulders. Good lord, the man makes Richard Nixon look like the poster child for good posture.

[Jo]

Yes, Mr. Burns indeed. But there was one brief moment where Dick, in his 30-second rebuttal period, could only mutter, "Hmrmr record speaks fritself. Hmph."

Wait, here's a quote from Salon: "Edwards launched a withering attack on Cheney's record in Congress, noting that he'd voted against Head Start, against a prohibition on plastic weapons that can pass through metal detectors, against the Department of Education, against Meals on Wheels, against a holiday for Martin Luther King and against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela. Cheney's response: Edwards' 'record speaks for itself. And frankly, it's not very distinguished.' "

Therein lay the paddle-spanking. Though I will grant that the rest of it was kind of...meh.

And yes, how could I forget AB Chao? She is, of course, invited for Thickburgers as well.

[Mimi]

How do you spell divorce?

I-K-E-A.

[getupgrrl]

I like "get your list on."

Anyway, I've realized that the children are going to hate ME, which leads me to this foolproof plan. If your children ever develop the nascent and ill-informed idea that they hate you, just come on over here for an afternoon of neuroses and Quorn. Your children will leave my house clinging to your side, thanking the heavens that I'm not their mom. Problem solved! Problem solved by the greater hateability of me!

[Amy in Motown]

I now have my "I am not so unhip" validation of the day, given that I am much older than you, and OWNED the first Jesus and Mary Chain album on VINYL. I was cool once, really.

Two questions:
Can I party with you? Especially with the strangling and the wordplay?

And what music should I be listening to now? Our local NPR station plays some cool stuff but is also so pretentious it makes me want to never give them money ever agin.

[Jo]

Um, yeah, I was cool once too. But it was a long time ago.

The kids today seem to dig the Postal Service, though. Oh, and can I say enough good things about The Shins?

No. No I can't.

In closing I would like to say: Party at my house. But nobody better bring Quorn. Because if I'm going to eat fungus, it should have been grown in a forest, or a dark PF Tek aquarium, not some VAT. VAT FUNGUS, that's what Quorn is.

Look at me, driving up my own comment count. Won't somebody save me from myself?

Stay in school, kids.

[Orodemniades]

Heeeeeeyyoujustwaittaminutenow, I lurve Tatu's version of 'How Soon Is Now', which is also, incidentally, the only Smiths song that I really, really, really like.

I'm with you on the Quorn, though, that stuff's scary. Besides the whole flatulence issue...

[susan]

mmm....a peanut butter an hiney sammitch. gotta get me one now.

[Lauren]

"That the dog will bite the social worker"

What if she deserves it?

[Jo]

Dude, Orodemniades, Tatu? Seriously? 'Cause I saw that shit go down live on eastern European MTV, and somewhere Morrissey went home and he cried and wanted to die.

I mean, more than usual.

But I will defend -- to the double-decker bus crashing into us -- your right to like it.

[Karen]

Dude, Jesus and Marychain ROCKS. And yes, I love Just Like hiney. I fell asleep to that and Tones On Tail all the time in college, dude. Sebadoh--uh, got every album. So there. Smash your Head was not that good an album, you're right. Morrissey's "I wear black on the outside, cause black is how I feel on the inside" was my senior picture quote. How punk rock is that?

See, I knew we were secret twins.

As far as the adoption stuff goes, you are in such a better emotional place than me. I wish you'd bottle up some of that good stuff and pass it along, yo. Although it might be illegal, and I'm a teacher and all, I could sure use a hit.

Lurve you, muchly. This was FUNNY, and raw, and so cool. You are so much my hero.

[Anne]

Yup, the putting together of anything requiring instructions = a potential trip to divorce court.

And I‘m afraid that it will take forEVer, the choking of idiots not adoption.