Asking for Trouble (For My Birthday)

This morning I turned a very respectable twenty-eight. Yes! Look at me, approaching thirty with gusto and a newly resurfaced face! And an archives' worth of papers relating to adoption! No baby yet! But that's okay! Getting a little impatient maybe, but whatever!

You know what I want for my birthday? A troll. I've never had one of my own. No thoughtful stranger has ever materialized from the ether to leave some asshole comment on my blog! Not once! I have never been told to "just adopt" (and yet I've managed to come to that decision without such helpful advice), and no one has ever insisted that I be grateful for what I have in the way of Chihuahuas instead of expending all that energy grieving miscarriages and what-all. Nobody tells me my ectopic pregnancy was meant to be! I even proclaimed my bisexual heathen-ness to the world at large, and all for naught!

Is it my wide-eyed Midwesternness insufficiently tempered by wry East Coast-ness? My nonthreatening pink and blue color scheme? My sexy red lips? Christ, what do they want from me? I'm flamingly pro-choice! Pro-Kerry and extremely anti-Bush! Pro-the-voting-rights-of-expatriate-Americans! I want gay people to have the right to marry! I honestly think it's okay to smoke a little marijuana when you're pregnant, and won't have a problem with birthmothers who do! Pesticide should be illegal! Libertarians are wack! Encoded Archival Description is the wave of the future! WIRED magazine is full of really bad writing! Those sexy red lips are somewhat Photoshopped! Monsanto is the devil!

I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, AND THAT IT SHOULD INCLUDE HOMEBIRTH MIDWIVES! ANYBODY WHO VOTES FOR BUSH IS EITHER BOTH VERY RICH AND EVIL OR WILLFULLY IGNORANT! I AM INSULIN-RESISTANT BUT I JUST ATE THREE FUN-SIZE KIT-KATS! JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT WITH ME! NOT, YOU KNOW, SUPER! JUST ALL RIGHT!

Whoooooo.

Nobody hates me.

*sniffle*

Comments

[Adina]

LMAO.

I would flame you, but I like you. And agree with everything that you said.

Don't I suck as a troll?

[Annie]

Flame. Flame flame. Flaaame...

Happy birthday!

[OliviaDrab]

Ummm.. Look lady, I tried hating you and shit, but then I finally came around and said "aw fuckit, she's neat." And also, I happen to agree with you. But if you want hate, babe, I can scoop some out on ya, or try anyhow. It IS Halloween Eve, I can pretend.

Ok, here goes.. the hate.

Umm. Yeah. Marijuana is for devil-worshipping crack-smoking, family-value-hating baby seal clubbers. Bush is a saint and *whispering* homosexxxxxxxuals *normal voice again* are instruments of Satan and therefore should not only NOT get married but be tied together and made to conga line through Central Park to the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy". And women who are insulin resistant and also eat lots of sugar are just crack whores waiting to happen. *stuffs face with a Twinkie, then smokes some crack for sex* Pesticide for ALL, EAD is the Devil's Work!! DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL! *stomps feet, speaks in tongue* AIUGHOIUAUAUAWAWAWAIAH!!

[OliviaDrab]

By the way, Happy Birthday you hotstuff you.

[rose]

Total lurker coming out to say that your comments made me like you even more! Sorry--no trolling here.

[Marla]

Dear Jo,
When I grow up I want to be a troll. How can I become one? Is there a Learning Annex class for this? A Dr. Phil assvice book on this topic?

Happy Birthday!

Signed,
Not bitter enough

[orenda]

Um..yeah...I also have PCOS with insulin resistance, and I ate TWO FULLSIZE chocolate bars today. I don't normally keep candy in the house, but today I skipped three meals and then went grocery shopping. Whee! And the one thing my endocrinological-gynacologist (try saying that three times fast) told me when she explained the whole deal was, "Just cut out the candy bars". I got the impression from her that insulin resistance was no big deal, but everyone who's not a doctor has said that I should actually be quite concerned. Perhaps I should learn to start taking my metformin on a regular basis. If you happen to have any idea where to point me for more information, it would be much appreciated. If not, please forgive this hijacking of your journal for my own selfish, if not quite nefarious, purposes.

[Kate]

I really really want to flame you, but just so I can give you a birthday present, because I like you. Now that makes me a really bad troll, but whatever. Happy Birthday.

[patricia]

I think that people are scared to flame you because you would flame them back so much better that they would look foolish.

Besides, what person in their right mind wouldn't agree with everything you've listed here?

[becky]

Halloween is my b-day. I am pro-life, anti-kerry, anti-universal healthcare, very Christian,very conservative. But guess what, I don't hate you either. Sorry no Troll for you. (said like seinfelds "no soup for you!")

[Mollie]

Nanny, nanny, BOO-boo, no trolls for YOU-hoo.

They come to myyyyyyy site....

Hey, if I could bottle up my secret, I'd give you a swig right quick, Honey. For now, though, happy 28th, and

HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL WITH THE REST OF YOUR HOMO-LOVING ASHOLE FRIENDS. I HOPE KERRY DOES GET ELECTED SO ASAMO BINLADDEN CAN BOMB YOUR FAT KITKAT-CHOMPING MUFFIN-MUNCHING HOMO ASS.

How's that?

xoxoxo

[Alana]

Nobody even READS me. I did once have someone leave a comment on my cast page about how ugly my family once.

[Julie]

Jo, for your birthday, just for this one day, I will hate you.

A lot.

All day!

Feel it? Feel it? Is it in yet? Goooooood.

[Lisa]

You are only 28 and whining you don't have a baby yet?

Sorry thats as close as I can come.

By the way we adopted our first child, who was born on my 28th birthday. I got no cake that year. Just a baby. (See I can whine too).

Go comment on some right wing site, then they will link back to you, then you can have real trolls,not just my pathetic attempt.

Happy Birthday!

[Lauren]

I don't know who the hell you think you are lady but you and all your lesbian friend should go live on a farm and raise animals.

Yeah, that was lame. I tried. Ditto what Alana said, what does it take to get people to visit. Happy belated birthday!

[akeeyu]

You know, maybe if you weren't TRYING so hard to have trolls, it would just happen. You just need to RELAX, and then you'll have trolls. That's how it happened for my best friend. She just needed to relax.

Or maybe if you adopted some trolls. See, my sister, she adopted trolls, and then like, right after they brought the trolls home, bam, she had her very own REAL troll.

My pastor says Artificial Recruitment of Trolls is wrong. He says it's unnatural. Some people just weren't MEANT to have trolls. It's part of God's Plan.

And why are you, like, so BITTER about not having trolls, huh?

[akeeyu]

Oh, and happy birthday, hot snatch!

[Emily]

Another lurker here who just can't resist coming out to say, sorry hun, but I happen to agree. Especially about people who like Bush. ;)

[orenda]

Oh, yes. I forgot. Happy birthday, and, um, you suck.

Sorry. I'm not very good at insults, except the unintended foot-in-mouth kind. Plus, I happen to agree with you. Gwynne Dyer came to speak at my university recently and made the unfotunately accurate point that if anyone other than Bush gets in, they're going to get stuck with the blame for the inevitable failure to clean up this mess to anyone's satisfaction. SO glad to be Canadian this week. We have our own problems, but none of them are Bush and that's enough to be grateful for in my books.

[MistyD]

Happy Birthday! I hope it was a fun day!

[Orodemniades]

Happy HO-day, you big fat lesbian, candy-eating, rock-music listening, uh, ho!

Yeah. That's told you.

Damn, that was weak...can't even come up with a good insult these days.

[zeno]

I'll send you a disgusting and viciously hurtful e-mail if you send me one!

[Mandy]

Here goes...reason for almost every blogger to hate you.

Tertia, Julie and Danae all have you listed as links on their blogs, something the rest of us can only aspire to.

Bitch.

(Happy Happy Birthday)

[Amy in Motown]

AND you get 23 comments. No one has viewed my blog in two weeks. It's like being funny and engaging pays off, or something.

And only TWO Kit-Kats? Fun size no less? I'd powered through that before breakfast.

[JJ]

Happy Birthday Jo!