Today, I Am a Man

Gee whillikers, I can't hardly believe it. Pops got me my first razor and showed me how to shave my chin as smooth as my backside used to be before all that puberty kicked in. He said he would explain to me how ladies get babies in them too, but first he needed something to take the edge off and go get me the scotch, would you, son? Then he fell asleep in his recliner.

Well okay really it was a very nice osteopath (with medical acupuncture training!)(oh, remind me to tell you why I stopped going to my previous acupuncturist!) with a very nice Sciton laser and the reason I have to shave my glossy whiskers is that plucking them will interfere with their growth cycle, and we want them all to be in Super Grow Fast and Make Jo Look Like Homer Simpson stage when we (say it with a fakey German accent, now:) BLAST THEM WITH THE LASER. Oh, and she didn't actually pass out at the end of the consultation.

I am also having microdermabrasion, since PCOS makes me all lumpy and granular about the face.

That visit to the New Agey Centre for Mustache Removal (actual name) has left me with a few questions, however, all of which may be boiled down to the following: Why in hell does a glorified spa manage to do everything right that your average gynecologist and fertility clinic do wrong? Observe the following list:

1) Consultation complimentary. You can schedule it -- and any future appointments -- via the website, which provides a tidy dropdown menu with options like "Consult -- Laser -- Bikini Area" and "Laser -- Tattoo Removal -- Images of Former Girlfriend's Lopsided Melons." No attempting to convince mouth-breathing scheduling departments, over the phone, that it really would be more convenient if you got in to see Dr. Expensive today since THAT'S WHEN YOU SCHEDULED YOUR IUI TWO DAYS AGO.

2) Lucky Magazine displayed prominently in pleasant, roomy, empty-of-other-patients waiting area.

3) 3-minute wait for actual doctor. Did not even have time to skim Lucky.

4) Full explanations including actual costs provided for every procedure. Explanations did not contradict everything on internet.

5) Doctor seemed to know more about the subject than I did.

6) Doctor had heard of PCOS and was familiar with a variety of treatment plans.

I know, right? I wanted her to give me a pelvic, maybe prescribe some heavy sedatives for me and insert a large needle through my vagina into my ovary. I'm considering lasering my bikini line (which can only be considered a "bikini" area in comparison to the olden-days striped knee-length singlet style of bathing suit) just so I can wear a paper drape. It was that good.

******

Here's why I stopped going to my acupuncturist (after my second IUI). She:

1) Insisted I "think positive." That's what gets you pregnant
2) Suggested I visualize being pregnant while she was working on me
3) When I told her that whole approach really made me edgy and uncomfortable, she threw down some 'tude and continued to insist
4) Recommended reading: Christiane Northrup's Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom
5) Refused to listen to carefully reasoned, only a little sputtery, arguments on above
6) Was extremely anti-choice
7) Didn't seem to know jack shit about latest research on acupuncture and infertility, saying only: "They do such amazing things these days!" in an attitude of wonderment
8) Described decline and fall of her marriage for a full thirty minutes whilst I lay impaled by a million tiny needles
9) Apparently learned not a goddamn thing from her own seven years of infertility

Comments

[patricia]

So true, so true. And what a lame acupuncturist, thank god you dumped her.

There's a new fertility clinic in my city that is independent and actually not connected to any hospital. I've heard it's really swank and spa-like. Maybe they're finally understanding that we'll feel a lot better about shelling out thousands of dollars if they are nice to us.

[Expat]

Really, the doctor actually knew more than you? Reeeally? Really truly?

I have one of those swank purposebuilt clinics. Very swish, especially compared to being in antenatal wards and things.

[Ammaarah]

OK, I had to pipe up on this one, even though I'm one of those silent lurker types. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a hard time "talking to my vagina" or whatever Dr. Northrup is all about. I really don't think my PCOS is caused by repressed memories of sexual abuse. I'm pretty sure it's caused by f'd-up hormones and aggravated by, well, everything. And I've tried visualizing my hoo-ha becoming more receptive to a baby, but so far it's not working too well.

Sounds like a mega-lame acupuncturist. Once she got a little dose of fertilitis, she blacked out the bad times.

[Jo]

Oh Jebus please tell me that's not her PCOS theory.

I specifically avoided opening her latest edition -- Now With More PCOS! -- for fear of what horrendous idiocy might spew right out of the book.

It seems my fears were well-founded.

I mean, God, does she think diabetes is caused by distant relationships with one's maternal grandmother?

[Emily]

My acupuncturist, Dr. NasTea (a pun on her personality and that shitty tea I have to drink) also tells me it's my attitude. Yeah, she's also the same bitch who told me that I was an easy case. Eight months later and nothing to show for it, she's not saying that anymore. Now, she just keeps saying, "Oh, but you miscarriage" since I did NOT get pregnant three months later like I was supposed to (I mean, that's what happens to everyone, right? We all know that if you miscarry, it's the law that you get pregnant three months later with a healthy baby). I've got appointments set until December and then my New Year's resolution is to dump her. Yeah, it's all my attitude, I WANTED my FSH to shoot up prematurely, because I understand that's all the rage these days. Tools, every one of them.

[Ammaarah]

Nah, I don't think Christiane's theory on PCOS is quite what I stated, but she does have the typically simplistic advice: "Lose weight, Tubby, by never eating another carton of yogurt, candy bar, or potato again in your life. Everything will be better!" While this might be one bit of medically sound advice, it's also ridiculous.

And you had to bring up the maternal grandmother issue...sniff sniff.

[Christine]

Maybe you could blast zee akyoopuhncturist viss za layzer instead? (very lame German accent...)