Golden Ticket, Long John, Stun Gun, Atom Bomb

It finally came in the mail, our very own Golden Ticket -- an invitation to Educational Course I, courtesy of our agency. We promptly drafted the requisite $300 check and dropped it in the mail to ensure our reservation for a day of Talking About Loss and Why Open Adoption? and Lunch Break. I anticipate a delightful afternoon of heavily perfumed and after-shaven New Jerseyans alternately weeping and swearing and asking alarming questions including but not limited to "If the real mother takes the baby back, do we get our money back?" and "But will my baby know who Mommy is?" and "Healthy white baby? What else you got?" (Note: I am not making those up. Those were actual questions asked at the orientation.)  (Except for the last one, which is a line from Raising Arizona, the finest film ever made on the subject of infertility.) Since I am very much the fitting-in type, with my tiny discreet nose ring and barely discernable tattoos, I am sure they will just love, love me. Also I am way into the crying in public thing. Way in. And good at. 

So I will be sitting there, in the back of the class, an unscented dry-eyed poorly-executed-hair-dye-having weirdo with a heart of granular, dessicated Slim-Jim.  Rest assured that all comical dialogue will be rendered faithfully.  And that I will gorge myself on maple long johns and Boston cream Dunkin' Donuts during Lunch Break.

So that was Tuesday, and I finished the day out with a little pre-period spotting, that kind of stopped, and started, and stopped, and started, and since I was taking Bactrim for the latest UTI ("Your reward for freaky G-spot-stimulating sex since 1994!") and kind of concerned about, you know, possible effects, I thought, well, hell, I might as well...

just...

pee on this stick.

You can imagine my surprise.

No, go ahead. Take a second. Imagine.

See?

So after a good amount of dithering and hand-wringing and UTTER STUNNEDNESS I remembered how to form words with my lips and tongue and then I called Dr. Sweetybooty and he said, yes, come in for a beta, and I did, and that beta said:

81.

Eighty-freakin'-one.  Bearing in mind that I only dimly recall when my period started (um, October 30? Maybe 31? Did I have my period at that Halloween party?) and tend to ovulate late, and almost certainly did so after the 14th (maybe?), that still doesn't look like the Totally! Awesome! number that one might expect to see in yer average viable pregnancy.  Within normal limits, sure, but a little on the low side.  And with the red spotting*? And did I mention the cramping?

Eh.

Quite frankly I refuse to get worked up about all of this.  Quite frankly I can easily handle, I think, a very early miscarriage at this point.  Maybe that will happen; maybe it'll turn out to be an ectopic and you'll get to read hilarious tales of emergency surgery.  Maybe I'll have a nice 10-week miscarriage.  Hey, I've done it all before.  Well, not the surgery, yet.  But you get my point: it's old hat. 

What I can't do is conceive (ha!) of an outcome to this pregnancy that results in a baby.  Seriously. I really can't. We're continuing with our adoption plans, and that's where my mind is, and that's where my heart is.  Right now, right this minute, I'm pregnant, if just barely so.  And I refuse to believe this state has much of anything to do with my future, a year from now. 

Of course I am very open to admitting that I am wrong.

*for which I am now taking Prometrium, thank you, Dr. Sweety.

Comments

[Sam]

Holy shit! I wasn't expecting that! Just like I wasn't expecting the 2 lines that were staring back at me this am too. I'm right there with ya...here's to hoping that it works this time for both of us, but not really expecting too much. Good luck with the adoption!

[lobster girl]

Um, wow! I can see why you don't feel like getting too worked up about this. What with the miscarriages and the fact that your heart is firmly tied to those adoption papers. Still, what a lovely surprise, and wouldn't it be a nice change of pace if nothing physically traumatic happened?

[Soper]

Er, Congratulations?

[Danae]

JO!

I don't know what else to say! Just JO!
Oh, and I love you.

[AussieAndrea]

Between Julie, grrl and you, my heart is having a palpitating few days... I'll just go and get the cup of tea with lots of sugar now I think....

[getupgrrl]

Holy double lines! I! Am! Just! Flabber! Gasted!

Clearly this calls for more cookies.

[Summer]

Whaaaa? I totally didn't see that one coming. Am I allowed to be hopeful for you? Please? If I send cookies?

And if you ever want me to do the full-on Catholic prayers and candle-lighting thing, you just say the word. Until then, I'll just keep hoping quietly over here in my corner.

[gretchen]

but won't it be so cunkin' funny if you stay pregnant and then that dumb ho from your party and a bunch of other just-trying-say-something-wise people were right!? in yo face, jo!

[AB]

No shit! What is WRONG with you people and your crazy newsy posts?

Cookies for me too, please. And booze.

[Jo]

Um, all prayers/pleas/candle-lighting/chicken-bone-shaking activities are MOST welcome around these parts. Do it up, yo.

About those cookies...

[Michele]

Wow, no such thing as a slow news week in these parts. Many good thoughts, tons of prayers, and all of my fingers are crossed for you.

[Kim]

Shut. Up.
And Oh. My. God.
And congratulations!

And I'm working on a new theory about all of this good news in blogworld lately. It's something along the lines of women who spend a lot of time together getting their periods at the same time each month. And I'm hoping that since I've been spending so much time with you lot lately, it rubs off on ME and all the rest of us.

Keep us updated and good luck!

[Kendra]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, wow.

I'm speechless.

[MistyD]

What a beautiful start to December. I'm so thrilled for you! :-) All my best wishes and I will be thinking positive thoughts for you every day.

[Cricket]

Wow, I was gonna comment about Raising Arizona, one of my very favoritest flicks that I couldn't even watch for the first couple years of my SIF. But, golly gee, you've struck a 2nd line. It'd be cool if you were Raising New Jersey.

[Jen/VintageUterus]

Oh, my fucking God! What the hell is going on around here lately???

All these good things happening? Amazing. Totally amazing.
CONGRATULATIONS sister!

[dawny]

jeebus.
getting the chicken bones. and a maple long john.

[maria]

Wow! I've been alseep at the blogsphere for so long and now all this good news. I hope this pregnancy works. I hope. I hope. I hope. But whether it works or not, you do know 100% where your heart is. That right there makes me cry happy tears for you.

[Amy in Motown]

Jo, I didn't think my surprise two lines had the slightest chance of developing into a baby. Adoption, that was it, and it broke my heart a little bit to have to let that go when it this pregnancy proved a keeper. Instead of having the happy OMG!!!BFP!!! reaction I always thought I'd have, I was a wreck.

I am getting induced Monday if I don't go into labor before then. If this is proof of anything it's that God has an active and quite frankly rather strange sense of humor. If I can be of any help to you, you know where to find me.

[Sarah]

Goodness gracious. Oy. Golly. Wow. I can't imagine that there is a right thing to say at this point, but you are in my thoughts.

Sarah

[Christine]

I will go catch the chicken that is lurking about our yard and shake it for you (since we don't eat meat, you're going to have to settle for the whole live bird instead of just the bones).

[Kate]

See? You started adopting, and BAM! And all you had to do was relax!

Just kidding.

Congratulations, Jo. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[Tertia]

WTF is going on around here? I complain thanksgiving makes you all boring and you, Julie and Grrl haul out all the stops to entertain me.

Well fucking done Jo. Lets hope the little critter does stick around for another 8 months or so.

Am in total shock here. Pass me those fucking cookies. NOW.

[Kim]

Kate stole my answer!

Holy crap! Holy crap! Congratulations?

[Moxie]

Well that was unexpected.

And here I thought the UTIs were from all the White Russians you'd been drinking (all that alcohol and sugar, you know).