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Dona

OK, De-lurking...and maybe the first to respond. I'm for waiting until 12-14 weeks. The worst case is some lucky couple gets bumped up into the process a little quicker. Right? Ofcourse things can go wrong past the first trimester, but a bulging belly might be a clue to the social worker that strange things are a-muck.

Lauren

Maybe you caught it from someone else. It does seem to be going around this Christmas.
And please don't apologize for not using birth control. You deserve it.

Julie

Hahahahaha, "a range of opinion." My dear, you are a brilliant diplomat.

You're teetering on a scary precipice there. Yet more evidence that every step of the way involves another gamble. Me, I love Las Vegas. May your jangling slot bring forth bars and not lemons.

(Why, yes, I do think "jangling slot" is a fine, fine term for your hallowed chochat. DOn't you?)

Julie

"Chochat." It's chocha + chat (n., Fr., m.), doublepluspussy. Yeah!

Cricket

I am not an adoption expert, but I'm curious about the other side of your post. Wouldn't it be more attractive to the birth mom who gave up a child for that child to be in a family with child(ren)? I am SIF, my son is 7. I desperately want a sibling for him, but I think it is probably too late for an emotionally close sibling relationship. I didn't realize going into parenthood how important a sibling would feel to me, even if the kids were close in age. Babies aren't babies very long.

Summer

So you're like six-ish weeks now? And you'll be how far along at the next ultrasound? Personally, I'd mediate a compromise between you and Sean. I'm assuming that your position is "wait until after the first trimester", and that the potty-training thing was just a joke. I'd say, wait and tell when you get to be about 9-10 weeks. I know that 12 weeks or 13 weeks is generally considered to be the magic line in the sand, but in my non-scientific reasoning, if you get to be 10 weeks without any really bad omens, you've got a very good shot of actually getting a baby out of it. What happens after your class? Are there other adoption-related things that will happen in the next few weeks, or will you just be hanging? If you're going into a waiting phase, well then, you might as well wait a little bit to tell.

Unless you start puking on your social worker, of course. You might need to fess up if that happens.

Kendra

Re: your P.S.

Oh, I hear you. Me and my lapsed birth control prescription hear you LOUD AND CLEAR.

If something does go Horribly Awry, how many hoops do you have to jump through to get back in your agency's process?

Lily

Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable until a normal heartbeat was seen on ultrasound at 10 wks. That would put your chance of m/c at 2%. But that's just me, and like you said marriage is a partnership. Maybe if he saw some statistics and facts it could help him make an informed decision (assuming he hasn't already received his degree in Googlology of Embryology).

dish

Jo- I'll throw in my 2-cents (ching, ching). I'm all for waiting until the end of the first trimester, especially given your history. Since you are only attending the class this Thursday, is it realistic to expect that you would have a child in hand in another two months? And unless your agency is magical, chances are that you'll gain 2-3 weeks of no paperwork moving during the holidays, too. If you come to a payment period before week 12/13, perhaps spill it to them then, or "conveniently" insert a slight delay in the works.

Of course, I am also talking from experience of being a bad, bad, bad person who has *still* not told her adoption agency and I hit the 16w mark on Monday. I was just convinced that telling them would mean doom for the little bean. Ridiculous, but real enough in my head. (BTW, I will be calling them before Friday to avoid delaying until after the holidays- really).

Julia

This is a tough one, Jo. The pansy in me wants to urge you to urge Sean to wait until closer to the end of the first trimester... but that's because I'm a giant scardey-cat.

Either way, the sea monkey will do it's thing (whatever that will be) as if you didn't even exist. I guess there's some comfort in that.

And Julie, I love the new term, chochat. Can I have some of those pain meds?

susan

hmmm... I don't know how far up your ass these adoption agencies crawl but from your prior postings (and Naked Ovary's), I'm thinking they could tickle your tonsils from their ending position.

[Spitting on the ground 3 times and making the malokia anti-evil sign as I write this:] That in mind, what happens if you have an amnio at, what is it? 18 weeks? and it comes back very bad? If you guys plan to have the baby anyway, tell them before the next pay period. If you'd like to be able to make whatever decision you need to make without worrying about the agency's reaction to that decision, I'd wait. Just my $.02 (when did the cent sign that used to be above the 6 go away?)

Jen/VintageUterus

I'd wait until at least 10 weeks. How would they know?

My 2 lame-ass cents.

wix

waiting a wee while longer wouldn't hurt. here is where amenohrrea(sp?) is on your side (if that's a PCOS symptom of yours).

Judy

I never told, and came away with two babies. The social worker never knew about the bio child until the adoption was final when my son was nine months old. But that was just me. I mean I really wanted the child we were to adopt and the natural one too. How could I make a choice?

Mollie

Judy, it's a heartbreaking choice, and you did not make it, which is, in itself, making a different choice: to lie by omission.

No harm / no foul for you, I guess. I know others who have built their families this way, too. Some just never told, and some went to the mat for their right to add two babies at once, screw the agency policy, it shouldn't apply to me, etc.

In the end, it seems to be to be about principles. Are you a play-by-the-rules type, or a sense-of-entitlement type? Wherever you are on that scale, I guess, dictates your behaviour in a situation like this. The agency cannot know that Jo is pregnant, and it would not be difficult to conceal the fact, even in the later stages. It's an honour system, to a large degree.

Myself, I get to a point where lying by omission just feels bad, and I have to come clean. And I won't lie now, either: the sense-of-entitlement people make me itch a bit.

chasmyn

Just remember: NBHHY. Its my mantra. Thanks to Gurrl.

You know what? I think just do what feels right for you. I don't think it would hurt anything to wait until the second trimester, and I don't think it would be bad if you told them now.

I'm helpful, no?

Lisa

Jo
I became pregnant about 6 months after our homestudy. We did not tell our agency. I spent 12 weeks spotting and cramping on and off. I really didn't consider the pregnancy viable. I finally went in for an ultrasound around 14 weeks, and it was positive. I then told my agency, they put our file on hold. At 20 weeks we lost that baby. I actually called the agency 4 days after that and told them to put us back in the pool. That day they sent out our profile. Our daughter's birthparents read it and picked us. So in the span of a week I had my most tragic loss, and greatest joy. I feel very lucky and blessed.

I would not tell the agency until your first trimester is over, unless you are matched before then. You have to be upfront at that point.

I am very hopeful for you. I know you will get a baby one way or another.

Trish

Since I just experienced my first LATE first trimester loss (I'd had an earlier one too)- I'm all for waiting until the first trimester is over. Of course- if you tell them and get put on hold- it really is just a few weeks you'd be behind... I guess I'm more of the mindframe that at this point in time, it's hurting NOTHING by waiting a few more weeks.

But go with your heart :) It's a pretty personal decision to make!

Moxie

Personally, I'd wait until after the first trimester. But I'd also figure out which of the adoption process is times-sensitive, and which can be done anytime. I'm assuming you'll adopt in the future, even if a baby does come out of you in around 34 weeks. So you might as well do the stuff that won't expire when you want to reopen your file in a few years. You'll probably have to take the classes then, so you might as well take them now and that box will be checked in your file when you go back to it.

Cricket, have you ever read www.thiswomanswork.com? It's written by a mom of a 7 1/2-year-old boy and 8-month-old girl, and she thinks the age spread is perfect and that they're very close. Oh, and her son is bio and her daughter is adopted, too, so you might want to check it out.

Becki

It doesn't sound like anyone would be harmed by your waiting until 12-13 weeks, or even a little later, as opposed to 9-10 weeks. If my assessment is accurate, and it would help you feel better, why not wait?

victoria

I don't understand. Why would you not wait until the end of the 1st trimester? I mean, I know you have to take your husband seriously and he has a say in this and all . . . but what's his reason for disclosing a pre-1st-trimester pregnancy? Even close friends & family don't get to know until after the 1st trimester.

Judy

In answer to Mollie's comment. We did not go through an agency. It was obviously not the issue it is with an agency situation. We went through an attorney,and the doctor. I'm not a sense of entitlement person. Sorry if I made anyone else itch a bit.

Sarah

Jo,
I was just reading a speech by someone whose work I admire and at the end she quoted an african saying that echo's the last sentance of you post:
When you know where you are going, any path will take you there.

You are going to be a mother-one way or another--or in your case, maybe both ways!

Take care,
Sarah

mamamarta

my first reaction was to say, why not wait? from what i know of you, you have so much integrity that you would never let it get to the stage where a potential birth mother might actually pick you and you were still pregnant. so as someone else said, assuming you *will* adopt sometime in the future, regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, why not tick off as many boxes as you can while you're waiting?

but the more i think about it, the more i think if it were me, i would tell after the next ultrasound. adoption and pregnancy, as you well know, are two very different experiences -- each profound in their own ways, but very different. i think i would want to experience each fully without it being in the shadow of the other.

congrats by the way, whichever path takes you to motherhood. i have to say, that while i rejoice in your pregnancy, i'm also glad to know that adoption will be in your future. i've been so pleased to know you're going to join our ranks!

best wishes,

marta

mamamarta

judy, didn't you need to update your homestudy with any significant changes in your family's circumstances before your son's adoption was finalized? i would think the court would require that before finalizing the adoption?

marta

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