Babyproofing Your Marriage: Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone
Consider us babyproofed. I can say truthfully that this book brought my husband and me closer together. We've spent countless minutes cuddled together on the lumpy futon, snickering over its Neanderthal husbands, rolling our eyes at its stereotypical harried wives, trying to pin down just what exactly it is that we find so very, very annoying about the book.
I am probably not the most useful reviewer of any book that purports to correct marital flailings; my marriage is pretty sound, having weathered a host of tragedies that blah blah better people blah blah empathy et cetera. You know what I mean? We've done a lot of work already, for youths of thirty (okay, Sean is still twenty-nine). We have mad skills in the fields of support, nurturing, helpfulness, thrift, handicraft...wait, no, I'm thinking of Brownies circa 1957. But you get the picture. Not much new has come up for us since Tiny Gorilla made her appearance seventeen months ago. We are not the target audience here. Or to be more precise, I am not the target audience. This book, despite its numerous manly quotes and husbandly exhortations, is aimed dead-on at women. Wives. Wives of men. Men who like football and golf and business trips and ties and blowjobs and all that other stuff men like. (Remember the blowjobs, because we'll revisit them in a bit.) Anyway, if you're part of a same-sex couple, or part of a not-constrained-by-every-societal-gender-expectation couple, this book is probably not for you. If, however, you are a woman from Venus, married to a man from Mars, your take on this book will be far different from mine. Perhaps you will enjoy reading aloud the sections meant for Hubby, because God knows he's not going to pick it up.
I can't think of a more refined way to say this: every page of this book contains at least one sentence, one claim, one quote, that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with double-pointed size 5 knitting needles. "(Sex) is the glue that keeps your marriage together." (Forget mutual respect and acts of caring, oh ho no!) "Listening and understanding: two words that really turn a man off." (Um.) In a list of "most disgusting gross-out tricks that would give any good horror flick a run for its money," breastmilk ranks third, right after poop and right before snot. Yeah. For those times when putting out for your husband, who needs regular sex the way a car needs oil changes, is too "violating," why, just give him a blowjob! Five minutes, and you're on your way! (While I have nothing against blowjobs per se, the idea that sex is simultaneously the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR WHOLE MARRIAGE OMG and the equivalent to a long-awaited piss is just a little hard to swallow. Ahem.) (Parentheses the second: and, yeah, like having something in your MOUTH is so much less violating and so much more empowering than having it in your vag. Everything I needed to know, I learned from a truck-stop prostitute.) (Oh, and five minutes my ass.)
To be fair, there are also plenty of helpful ideas in this book, particularly if you have the sort of marriage outlined within. There are suggestions for fair division of household labor, ways to avoid stepping on each other's toes, parenting-wise, and a funny and useful chapter on setting limits with parents and in-laws. I have no doubt that if you are the kind of person who recognizes yourself in the numerous anecdotes that pepper the chapters -- if your husband just wants to watch the Rose Bowl, dammit, or if you plan every minute of your family's weekend schedule on MS Outlook -- you very well might find something of value in here. Men, do some work around the house and quit pretending you don't know where the extra toilet paper is. Women, give a man a chance to breathe after he walks in the door after work.
But, oh, for the love of God, the book taken in toto is just so friggin' irritating. I imagine it was pitched as a "Girlfriend's Guide"-type book, and the tone is similar -- chatty, familiar, anecdotal -- as is its desired audience. Now, I have read said Guides, somewhat shamefacedly, and found myself annoyed, yes, but entertained as well. Why does Babyproofing Your Marriage rub me almost entirely the wrong way? Part of it is the creepy post-backlash biological determinism (that completely disregards what is actually a fascinating body of research about gender, sex, and parenthood). I hate that shit. It limits everybody, gives the patriarchy a pass on its pernicious mores, ignores same-sex couples, and is a total cop-out when it comes to examining relationship patterns.
But I think the bigger reason is this: if your marriage is as screwy as some of the marriages in this book, it isn't the fault of the kids. Quit blaming the baby, however indirectly, for your husband's refusal to take you seriously, or your wife's lack of interest in sex. These things were going on long before your copy of What to Expect took up residence on your nightstand.
Your awesomeness knows no bounds.
And you must give one hell of a blow job to get him to sit and read this book with you. You know how men are ;)
Posted by: Kateri | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 12:02 AM
Right on. The word "hubby" alone, I must say, gives me the hives. I confess I read the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy too, and found it reassuring and pretty funny, even though I was clearly not her intended audience either. But this thing sounds dreadful.
Posted by: arb | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 12:29 AM
Right? Five minutes and we could talk. Maybe a trade for laundry folded? Longer then that and you'll just have to take a cold shower. But not now...she's pooped again...looks like you're gonna need some butt wipes, oh man of the house!
*crap, posted in the wrong place. Stupid baby up all night. I'm so spending her college fund on botox.
Posted by: christene | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 02:11 AM
that sounds nauseating!
Posted by: Cat, Galloping | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 06:50 AM
I reviewed Babyproofing Your Marriage earlier this week, too! I'll admit, I had similar problems with the gender stereotyping, negative quotes and 'you go, girl' language, even though, I'll admit, my own early struggles as a new parent revolved around many of these issues.
I do think that there are many new parents who will recognize some, if not all, of their issues discussed here. Vicki Iovine makes me cringe with some of her advice, when I look back, but in those crazy post-partum days, her books were the only ones I read that made the sleep deprivation and rookie power struggles seem like a normal phase. I looked at this book in the same way. Would I pour over this book now, and feel a kinship with the authors? No. Would I have done so when I was a crazed new mama with a husband who suddenly took up golf? Likely.
Babyproofing Your Marriage is really aimed at new mothers (with no sex drive,) and it really does feel like preaching to the choir occasionally - once again, it is up to the mommy to get the daddy involved. I can't see my (occasionally cro-magnon) husband buying a copy for himself, but he was all for the five-minute fix. Personally, I subscribe to the Sweet Potato Queens' offer of "The Promise" which is much less effort and returns me to my stories and bon-bons faster.
At best, it might start some conversations and give some tools to a (heterosexual) couple to work through some of these issues. At worst, it can cause an evening on the couch, snuggled up with your husband, and hysterical laughter over some of the more dramatic passages.
Posted by: Jenny | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 10:13 AM
Delurking to comment. Why this has compelled me, I don't know. But the thought of breastmilk grossing out my husband is just laughable. He thought it was kind of cool when I'd let down during sex. Good thing, since both kids nursed well into their third year... would've been kind of rough on him and his manly "needs."
Think I'll pass on the book.
Love your writing though.
Posted by: Penny | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 10:28 AM
"Quit blaming the baby, however indirectly, for your husband's refusal to take you seriously, or your wife's lack of interest in sex. These things were going on long before your copy of What to Expect took up residence on your nightstand."
Yes, yes YES!! I'll be skipping it. I love how so many books focus on the man's need for sex and not the mom's need for sleep, sustenance, and support.
Posted by: Mandy | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Haven't read the book, but it seems from your description that the authors are taking some pages from the playbooks of Caitlin Flanagan and Rabbi Schmuley Boteach.
Caitlin being the 'women don't need jobs or brains, they just need to shut up and vacuum, opening their mouths only to blow their husbands.'
And Rabbi Boteach being the 'breastfeeding is great but too destructive to the ideal of woman as erotic partner and so thus should be hidden from husbands view, as should the vagina during childbirth.'
Posted by: Kelly | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 10:38 AM
What a wonderfully well-written review. I would never read the book anyway because it simply doesn't apply to me (engaged lesbian, not a parent)... but still... I thoroughly enjoyed your take on it.
Posted by: Molly | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 10:50 AM
I'm sorry, did you say that women wrote this? I just can't process that.
Yeah, I think I'll be skipping that.
Besides, considering that he so enjoyed getting me in this condition he can fully enjoy "full pelvic rest" right along with me!
Posted by: Franay | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 11:22 AM
Now if someone could find me a book on how to complete a successful blow job in 5 minutes. I could get a lot of mileage out of that around here.
Posted by: Carrie | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 11:31 AM
Too funny- I'm surprised they'd ask you to review it. Did they not have a clue that you (Jo, of Leery Polyp fame) would find this kind of a**vice insulting?
Am curious about the parent/parent in law boundary stuff. Maybe I'll read that chapter in the bookstore and then hide the book in computer repair section so no one else can find it and be tempted to buy it.
Posted by: Leggy | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 11:42 AM
Just as an alternate, I did read a similar book recently that I thought was really good, and much more even-handed. It's called "Happily Married with Kids," and I really thought it had great advice. (Nothing about 5-minute blow jobs, I swear!) FWIW:
http://tinyurl.com/29mkut
Posted by: Jenny | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 12:18 PM
OH MY GOD, DO YOU MEAN THE VAGINA IS USED DURING CHILDBIRTH?
Grody.
Posted by: Jo | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 01:07 PM
I suddenly have the urge to say "pernicious mores". Whether in context or not.
Posted by: Moose | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 01:37 PM
"Pernicious mores" makes me think of a dastardly eel, twirling its long thin black mustache and chortling... though I'm not sure what it is twirling the mustache with...
It would also be a good band name of course.
Posted by: Sean | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 01:57 PM
Hey. Why aren't you getting lambasted by "very good friends" of the authors like my review is? Thank God that someone else who felt the book was an enormous waste of time spoke up. I'm linking this on the on-going pseudo-harassment comment section of my post. I was hoping others would speak up because according to the VERYGOODFRIEND, every body and her sister loved the freaking book.
And, lol:
But I think the bigger reason is this: if your marriage is as screwy as some of the marriages in this book, it isn't the fault of the kids. Quit blaming the baby, however indirectly, for your husband's refusal to take you seriously, or your wife's lack of interest in sex. These things were going on long before your copy of What to Expect took up residence on your nightstand.
How true! I even mentioned What to Expect in my comment "arguments" with the over-zealous friend of the authors.
Posted by: Jenna | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 02:53 PM
There is perpetual mad marketing toward those old stereotypes (just take a look at the shelves of your local bookstore) and they spew the same tired advice. It's like the "how-tos" from the fifties that admonished women not to forget to tie a ribbon in their hair before the king came home to his castle lest he realize that she'd been working her tidy arse off. The women and men from books like that desperately need books like that (proceed with Escher-esque circling). The rest of us need friends, wine, and blogs- not neccessarily in that order.
And pernicious mores is a better band name than injurious conventions. Hmm, actually...
Posted by: brenna | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 03:04 PM
People don't fuck with you when you have BLUE HAIR. Not because you're scary, but because you're irrelevant. What could a person with blue hair possibly understand about the ways of Men and Women and the Gainfully Employed?
Eh. I likes flying under the radar.
Posted by: Jo | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 03:49 PM
Brilliant review. I'm glad I didn't read yours before I wrote mine because I would have had performance anxiety :)
Posted by: baggage | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 03:55 PM
Is it just me, or does it seem like the whole "men don't like to listen or understand" thing has recently re-gained popularity? I think I've read that at least 5 times in different magazines in the last 2 months, and now this book. Why is that point of view even tolerated, much less celebrated, laughed over, and passed around as "wisdom"? Just makes me want to go, oh, you don't want to think about anyone but yourself? Poor baby. It's so uncomfortable to consider someone else's feelings. GET OVER IT.
Seriously, that kind of stuff should have gone out with the sexual politics of the 50s. Why any woman of the 21st century would put up with that, I do not know.
Posted by: SarahD | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 04:07 PM
*delurk* and *snort*
Sounds horriffic. And I'm very glad to see that someone else found the Girlfriends' Guides a bit irritating.
Posted by: Sarah | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 04:26 PM
Beautiful! Just beautiful.
Posted by: Meira | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 06:03 PM
i have to admit that when i was over to get my hair cut, i was a little surprised to see this book on your coffee table (am i showing off that leery polyp jo cuts my hair? you bet!). *love* your review, and so glad to see that there are a few het folks on the planet who remember, when speaking of marriage, that not all of us married folks are het!
Posted by: mamamarta | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 07:58 PM
Great review. The sad thing is I know many women who seem to be married to men who just don't pull their weight -- maybe it's golf, maybe it's an insane amount of time in front of the TV or computer games, or hanging out with friends at all hours. I know several men who simply didn't make any adjustments to their lifestyles after the baby arrived. Like you said, though, I suspect that most of these guys were selfish bastards before the kids arrived, it just never really mattered since the pressure wasn't on then.
Posted by: Elle | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 09:23 PM