Let us take this moment to bow our heads and think upon the horror of the modern-day turkey-generating plant, the folly of using organic sugar to make the cranberry sauce for that factory turkey, the damage I'm going to do to my virus-ridden body by having all that (cough, hack) wine with (snorfle) dinner. Keep us mindful, as the prayer goes, of those who don't have enough to eat. (Although why does it not say anything about feeding them?) Of how much work there is yet to be done. Of our irredeemable history.
Let me now send out a little address to the universe, a request for gentleness to all these women waiting for their children, a reprieve from the weight of grief, especially during holidays when the fecund and their offspring descend upon us and unleash a tornado of conflicting emotions. It is good enough, I think, to pretend to be happy for someone even when you can't be.
Last night my own set of losses came back to me, for no reason I could discern; again I had to grieve, although now that grief is not for children who might have been, but for my own optimistic self, innocent of what was coming, not yet wry and sarcastic about things like blood clots and fallopian interlopers. To do that work I had to bifurcate myself, make external the previous version of me so that loss might be viewed at a distance, and comfort offered as though from one woman to another. Let me give that self a tender goodbye; let us leave behind what we have to in order to make room for the new, but not forget. That rawness becomes an old ache, and serves us well later, if we let go of the pain but retain its memory.
Let me also ask for an easing of the minds of those of us who have difficult decisions and difficult paths ahead: infertile women making the choice, over and over, about what comes next; pregnant women with unthinkable decisions to make for their children and themselves.
But there is so much to be thankful for! So many of us are finding our way to answers, finding our ways to happiness, to family, to life as fully realized adults with or without children. I am so grateful for every word of comfort, every thing someone has offered to teach me; I could not be where I am now without you.
There is my family, who is thrilled at the prospect of a new baby; Sean's family, who is helping us financially in a way I never could have expected. All our friends who find the right things to say. Each other.
And elsewhere in the blog world, babies are staying in place, so far so good; elsewhere, nothing bad has happened yet. I will never cease to be thankful for the blessing of possibility, this blessing of hope.
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.