Last time around I was so very careful. I was Model Infertile Pregnant Lady who would clearly Do Anything to protect her Precious Fetus. I went around not drinking coffee and not eating soft cheese and not having lunch meat and taking the expensive prenatals that still allow you to poop when you feel like it might be a good idea; I eschewed nonpasteurized juices and god knows what else, Hair dye. Probably haircuts period. My moisturizer because it had some botanical whoozywhatsis that might possibly be unresearched. Benzoyl peroxide. Of course all the deprivation drove me to self-medicate with Lucky Charms. Serotonin, don't you know.
Nowadays I'm doing everything short of riding helmetless on a Harley: devouring raw eggs with abandon (in the form of batter), mixing and matching vitamin cocktails to approximate a reasonable intake of folic acid, smearing myself with Clearasil and this Burt's Bees serum in turns. Cold lunch meat? Grocery store sushi? I don't fear the listeria. I choke down a half cup of coffee in the morning, not because I like it anymore, but because if I don't I will be collapsed in a migrainish heap by ten a.m. I had to start with iced tea and Coke while the nausea raged, but I'm working my way back to the hard stuff.
And remember that whole Fifth Disease flap a few posts back? You know what I've done about it? Diddly shit, that's what. I don't worry about contracting CMV from preschool either. And I plan to get a blue streak in my hair, once it's a little longer. (Of course the peroxide and dye will not so much as touch my scalp, but still.)
Hindsight being what it is, it is clear to me now that while pregnant and most certainly for at least four months postpartum, I had an undiagnosed (well, technically, unreported) anxiety disorder. And a flare-up of OCD. (I can hear you laughing, Kateri.) It was a lot of fun: paralyzing anxiety over the smallest car trip that often degenerated into my screaming at myself and either slapping or biting myself, intrusive thoughts of many unpleasant flavors, and a whole lot of handwashing.
And remember my plastics freakout? (Which you can find on my old blog, in the left sidebar.) Yeah. That was part of it too. Not that I'm microwaving saran wrap now or anything. But I do own a few "safe" plastic items, and I am actually able to touch them without fear.
Did the craziness of a surprising pregnancy after years of fertility struggles -- coupled with the stress of moving to a new city in my third trimester (to a truly horrible house) -- trigger the attack? Or was it, hormonally speaking, a set-up? I don't know. I thought for a while I was just really high-strung, but this time around I'm not so sure. I can't bring myself to get worked up over much at all, and while that's partially the UNRELENTING FATIGUE, it may also be reflective of generally improved mental health.
I've made arrangements to deal if I have another postpartum meltdown, but the pregnancy itself feels so different. The prospect of actually having a baby in the midst of friends and support network -- why, it's revolutionary! Not moving to a strange city while enormously pregnant? How unusual! Why has no one thought of this before?
I don't know that I can take credit for my relative Zen calm if I'm just too tired/sloppy/busy/lazy to care. But I can certainly enjoy it. With a side of raw fish.
(Hey, there are limits.)
I'm glad you are more relaxed this time around.
And glad you are not condemning *every* plastic item to death row. I am slowly trying to weed out plastics myself, but reading those posts of yours always made me feel guilty ... now I can just feel like sort of a anti-plastics slacker, instead. :-)
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | June 24, 2008 at 09:54 PM
I have OCD and experienced pregnancy and the first year (or more) of my child's life much the same as you describe, although my 'triggers' were probably a little different.
I think it's pretty common and does relate to hormones. However, I already *had* OCD, so I was pretty much guaranteed these types of fixations.
My mental health is better now, too, but I'm actually pretty scared to get pregnant again, partly because I fear going into the OCD Zone again. It isn't pleasant or healthy.
It's very good to hear that you aren't experiencing it this time. Maybe I won't either. I really don't want to go through that again.
Posted by: anon | June 24, 2008 at 10:10 PM
Yay you!
Posted by: Mollie | June 24, 2008 at 10:11 PM
yeah, you'll be much more sane this time around.
blue streak and all ;)
Posted by: Kateri | June 24, 2008 at 10:12 PM
anon, I'm pretty sure I had it -- it had just been undercover or milder. I figured it out when one of my sisters' therapists diagnosed her, on the basis of pretty much every "personality quirk" we share.
And if it happens again, there will be drugs and cognitive therapy.
I worry about what it did to Sophia, though, having Krazy Mommy. Let us now invoke Philip Larkin...
Posted by: Jo | June 24, 2008 at 10:44 PM
Yay! You sound so much better!
My mom used to say, with the first baby, you sterilize everything, twice if it touches the floor. With the second, you rinse things off. By the third and later, you wipe it off on your jeans and hand it right back. (there were 3 of us, can you tell?)
So glad you know what was going on and are prepared if it happens again.
Posted by: Katrina | June 24, 2008 at 11:48 PM
Oh man, I laughed when I read this. Sometimes I've wondered if the reason P is so...intense? hyper responsible? might not have a LOT to do with how anxious and nuts and over-worried her momma was her whole first year.
And whether J's clear path towards juvenile delinquency might not be connected to how things went to hell in a handbasket once he was on the scene...
About the plastic - you were really just worried I'd out you, weren't you?
Posted by: Menita | June 25, 2008 at 11:54 AM
Whew. I was holding myself to your OCD standard, good to know that it was the OCD,and that even you can't maintain it for that long. I'm in the beginning of my first pregnancy and not eating peppered salame with goat cheese and arugula sandwiches is killing me!
Posted by: Sarah | June 25, 2008 at 12:38 PM
I had an "attack" myself that lasted for about a year when I was in law school. My triggers were not school-related, though--I was terrified of being physically harmed in some freak accident. I would wake up in the night filled with anxiety ("What if I fall off a ladder and break my neck? What if my car explodes and I'm horribly burned? What if a tree falls on our tent while we're camping and crushes me?"). At its peak I could barely get on an elevator without feeling horribly anxious. It sounds crazy but it happened so gradually that it didn't occur to me until later (when I was better) how obsessive and intrusive those thoughts were. My brother has OCD. If it happens again I will definitely be seeking help...
Posted by: Mandy | June 25, 2008 at 01:33 PM
"It sounds crazy but it happened so gradually that it didn't occur to me until later (when I was better) how obsessive and intrusive those thoughts were."
Mandy, you totally nailed it.
Posted by: Jo | June 25, 2008 at 02:11 PM
I'm glad this pregnancy is different for you, the ability to enjoy it and not be so worried about everything is a huge gift.
With my daughter's pregnancy, I was so worried about what could go wrong having been made ultra-aware of those possibilities by everything I read, those I talked to about pcos, blah blah blah that I really didn't enjoy it as much as I'd have liked to.
With my son's pregnancy, not everything went wrong, but enough things were complicated that I had reasons to worry almost the whole time. He still gives me reason to worry, but it's getting better. :P
At least this time around, I knew to insist on the drugs before I ever left the hospital. We've got tons going on but at least ppd isn't in the mix.
Posted by: Mandy (not the one above) | June 26, 2008 at 10:02 AM
I'm glad you're kicking OCD's ass these days. I've never had a problem with it. Whenever bad thoughts creep into my head, I just immediately mumble Bible verses or pluck all of the hairs on my left hand until they pass.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Posted by: Superlagirl | June 26, 2008 at 11:30 AM
I was so much more relaxed with my second pregnancy and now with the second little person that I have to wonder if any future children would survive. First baby: ray of sun never touched skin except through window, despite baby being smeared with pure titanium dioxide Mustella. Second baby: they've been outside a couple hours now, I should look for the sunscreen. This Huggies brand or Target brand that I got on clearance should do.
Posted by: Carrie | June 26, 2008 at 01:17 PM
I'm totally more laid back this time around. Sushi (cooked though) and coffee being the main offenders. When I'm chasing a 2-year-old around it's harder to obsess over ever bowel movement and meal.
Although I've noticed that I'm more nervous this time. Not that I will do something to harm my pregnancy but that any sort of twist of fate might. I think having a child made me acutely aware of what I had to lose.
Also hey, I'm new here! Traveled over via Julie's blog.
Posted by: Maria | June 27, 2008 at 10:45 PM
Hey, four years and I still have the post-partum OCD. It mostly takes the form of microphobia although chemophobia has also reared its head once in a while. I also got this funny thing that was basically about the future of humanity where wasting anything--food, water, etc. totally freaked me out. Kind of like eco-mania.
How amazing that getting pregnant seems to be kind of a cure for you. How hormonal is this thing, I wonder?
It would be more interesting if it didn't suck to have it. But I am a bit curious about the brain change that must take place--I wonder if there are any studies on it?
Posted by: ozma | June 28, 2008 at 09:41 PM
But Ozma, I think getting pregnant the *first* time was the trigger! I don't know why it didn't switch on this time. The OCD had died down pretty well by about 18 months postpartum, and I was back to my baseline, which is still discernibly OCD but not, you know, CRAYZAY.
Chemophobia. Totally fucking me too. Absolutely. (And I have the blog posts to prove it.)
Posted by: Jo | June 29, 2008 at 10:03 PM
OMG. Too fucking funny. Here I'd thought all this time that *MY* PPD/OCD about plastics was fueled by your very sane and rational thoughts on the matter. I felt like such a bad person for leaving the cheese wrapped in plastic from time to time, and having vinyl blackout shades in the kid's room. Eh, guess I still do. But now that I am medicated, I don't feel quite as much like crawling into a dark hole as a result! :D
I am however, right there with ya on the caffeine/soft cheese/batter pregnancy diet this time around. And mmm-good, too.
Posted by: Jen (yup, another one) | June 29, 2008 at 10:26 PM