Armed and Dangerous

If you have little kids, you're used to the hefting: baby up, baby down, preschooler out of immediate harm's way, groceries, laundry. I was standing in a parking lot yesterday hefting the stroller out of the trunk for the nine frillionth time when I heard, in an approving tone, "Hey, strong arms!"

My admirer was a young man in the next car over. He was either a college football player or a model who plays a college football player in cologne ads, and he was clearly not hitting on me -- just genuinely admiring my massive guns -- so I smiled and pointed to the twenty-five pound baby I was then hefting into the hefty stroller. "Best upper-body workout in the world," I said, or something equally dumb, making sure to flash my braces and maybe a tantalizing sliver of stretchmarked belly from beneath my applesauce-encrusted t-shirt.

"Well, have a good day!" he said, smiling, and drove off. I leaned down to kiss my baby as I buckled her in.

Then I made sure to kiss each bicep.

* * * *

So I've got these mighty arms, like that green cartoon flea with the twirly mustache, and I've got all this barely suppressed anger and rage, and I was thinking that maybe, instead of periodically getting frustrated that the baby is awake again for the fourth time in two hours and karate-chopping the top of the ancient seagrass hamper until it breaks last night, I could harness my powers for good.

I was thinking I could beat up some child molesters or something. Maybe put up an ad on late night TV: "Do you have BAD PEOPLE in your life or possibly your neighborhood? Did you read a disturbing news story about a HORRIBLE PERSON? Do you want a MAD LADY to BEAT THEM UP?" And then there'd be a frame of me standing very still (we couldn't afford a real freeze frame) posing in a muscular, aggressive position. "Five foot four inches of compressed fury, ready to unleash an ARM-ageddon of hurt on whomever is troubling your peace of mind!"

And then I could beat up some wicker furniture or something. To show the extent of my fury.

Of course I'd have to review the evidence in every case, but I was thinking it would be a free service.

Comments

[Marie]

this post made my day. thanks for a smile & a chuckle while I'm in the middle of some sad days here.

[sweetcoalminer]

Hahahaha! Awesome post! Git yur tickets to the gun show (kiss, kiss). This totally cracked me up. I am often humbled by my food-spattered clothes and my sneaking belly, too.

[Summer]

Yes, please. Can I fax you a list of names and addresses?

[Sarah]

ARM-ageddon! Love it!

[Weet]

Correction: you are 5'5. I know because we are the same height and I've been telling people I'm 5'6 for years because of that extra quarter inch. Screw the rules of rounding.

[Jo]

Yeah, but five-four is FUNNIER.

[marta]

you make me laugh every time. (well, not the times when you don't mean to make us laugh -- then i cry) but mostly you make me laugh and i am so grateful! especially right now as i sit in the church about to give a presentation to the board of elders on governance, which they understandeth NOT, and don't really want to understand, and so even though i'm a freakin expert on this stuff and have been begging them to let me explain it for two years, and they finally freakin decided that maybe that was a good idea -- even so, i'm a tiny bit nervous. so thanks!

[Anna]

you are funny! thanks!

[gretchenosis]

plus, weet, when she's all hunched and angry, she IS five-four.

[girl_in_greenwood]

I'm thinking you might benefit from a Tae-bo video for your extra aggression. Or possibly so you can vent your fury at Billy himself.

[ozma]

Ha ha ha ha. I love the idea of a commercial.

Bad people in your life. Heh.

[HUFFMAN28Annmarie]

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