So we were in Philadelphia for a couple of days, and Sean was working so I had the girls at the zoo, and there in the children's zoo, itself crammed with school groups and every kind of stroller you could imagine and about seven zillion pushy ducks, was a lady with a stack of flyers, handing them out to passing mothers.
"It's for a blog? You know, just a place where women can go to be women and talk about parenting and things like that." And indeed the flyer promised me a community of like-minded mothers talking together about the important blah blah blah crumple toss. It had a lot of corporate sponsors, this blog.
Now, longtime readers may recall that I myself have a 'blog, you know, short for "web log." As a member of the great eruption of blogs and bloggers and internets, I'm no purist when it comes to media; I accept the constant shifting of form and function inherent in a world where we all run around with tricorders and laser eyes and whatever the hell you kids are up to these days. But something in my heart collapsed like a perturbed cake upon receipt of that flyer. That's it, then, I thought. I'm done.
Big things have happened to the internet since I started keeping the Leery Polyp back in ought-four. The first is that the internet sort of blew its load all over the world, and a field that was once relatively sparsely populated became a reflection of the heaving sea of humanity that is the whole world. Everybody and his camera and her uterus and their urban farm and homeschooling operation and political viewpoint and cupcake bakery and twee little children's room furnished with hand-sewn mushrooms and actual living faeries* went out and started a blog. Which, you know, fine. It was bound to happen. It was actually very freeing to realize that I was not the only Underutilized Writer floating around in the world. For a long while it was a lot of fun, like a virtual city block populated with interesting people who sat out on their front porches and chatted with each other. Unlike message boards, more akin to a bustling market, blogs belonged to individuals -- you could decorate your front porch. You could dictate the terms of discourse to a point, and you were free to carve your own niche. (My own particular niche, people without children who desperately wanted them but were encountering an assortment of roadblocks, meant a lot to me. These people understood, they wrote eloquently about the dark times, but they were funny as hell too. It was a way to wrest meaning and comfort and community from baffling times. I still keep in touch with lots of folks from those days, and I will always be grateful for commenters, readers, and other bloggers.)
And then things started to get really commodified.
A lot of us, and by "us" I mean those bloggers who had acquired children by some means or another, got slapped with the label "mommyblogger." I don't know where it came from; some people started out blogging that way, as mothers looking for community, and maybe that's how it came to be applied to pretty much any female blogger who ever mentioned her children. There's a whole dissertation about divisions in the blog world, and how the term "mommyblogger" infantilizes and segregates women writers (OH GOD MY BIAS IS SHOWING), but not too long after mommyblogging became a thing, corporate reps started pelting mommybloggers with "opportunities" to provide free advertising in exchange for, I don't know, a coupon? Or better still a coupon to give to a reader! At the same time blogging was becoming legitimized as a business...thingy, and conferences popped up and there was advertising and professionalism and all those things I just do not do well. And I kind of watched from the sidelines as the indie zine-y world of blogs turned into a different place entirely, for better and for worse.
Meanwhile, all my dreams came true.
No, no, I know it sounds flip. But for me the jumping-off place for writing this blog was the shock and grief I felt at my subfertility (can't rightly call it infertility, now, can I?). And then the astonishing transformation into a mother with a baby and a serious case of OCD, and then a mother of two, now with less OCD, and then someone whose focus was obviously shifting away from the blog that she abandoned like a pickup truck full of construction debris on the side of the road and goddamnit I have been calling the city about this for weeks and WHEN is somebody going to tow that thing away?
Well, now.
What the blog world needed from me is over; what I needed from the blog world is past. I have so many friends because of blogs -- I can't imagine what it would be like without everyone! And then there's the drug of approval, of instant feedback. It is a heady, intoxicating thing -- but I'm finding I need to be doing the actual work of human give-and-take. It's harder but more fulfilling, and I only got to this point because of everyone who ever commented on a post and made me feel important and like what I said mattered.
So. Now. I'm not going to take the blog down. I intend to archive it better, put a page up with links to posts and the whole story. I don't know that I'll start any new projects any time soon -- it turns out that school and the ongoing art installation that is my house eat up a lot of time and energy -- but if I do I'll put them up here. In the meantime, do feel free to friend me on Facebook; just drop me a note telling me who you are when you send the request. Thank you so much for everything. You guys are the best.
*If I knew how to get these I would order some.
Jo, this is beautiful. "Everybody and his camera and her uterus and their urban farm..." I want to tape that sentence to my wall.
I know the last thing you need right now is another project, but if you ever decide to do an actual indie zine-y piece of quarter-size goodness I can put you in touch with a bookstore in NY that carries a nice selection of zines. Just sayin'... =)
Posted by: Jen | May 30, 2011 at 12:29 AM
I just wanted to come out of I dont know how many years of lurkdom to say thanks for sharing your story. The entire vagina posse really saved my sanity 5 years ago during my own IF. I can't thank you enough. It made a HUGE difference having these smart and fucking hilarious women forging the way and turning a traumatic experience into something I could laugh about (even if I was crying at the same time). I never want to go back to those times, but you ladies all hold a very special place in my heart even though you have never heard of me. I've enjoyed reading about your happily-ever-after too, and wish you and your family all the best as you (from my point of view, at least) ride off into the sunset (or, you know, get on with real life and all).
Posted by: Toria | May 30, 2011 at 04:14 AM
I miss the IndieZine world that was blogging back in the day, but I know that newbies are finding their own new-blog-community Zines all the time (God, I hope they are, there are enough writers still starting, it's got to be possible) and I'm reconciled to the idea that all things change, and it's OK to move on.
I'll miss you. I'm glad it's not 2004/2005 anymore, but I'm glad to have been there, too.
Posted by: Jody | May 30, 2011 at 04:44 AM
I have a friend who just started blogging, and it's all sunshine and roses and encouraging and uplifting prose. She wants me to start writing as well, but I remember when blogs were dark and funny and tragic and made me laugh... and helped me to deal with my grief. I'm afraid I'm ruined- and damned grateful for it. And for you.
Posted by: Jill | May 30, 2011 at 08:43 AM
I am hearing you loud and clear. I am a fan of your writing. Which is why I'm having a hard time letting go of the idea of this space. I come here every day to make sure you haven't written something new. This is not a 'blog' to me, and definitely NOT a 'mommyblog'(I detest that term.) This is a space where I can reach out and touch my friend Jo and glimpse into her world. This is so much more than a blip on Facebook. I beseech you to keep writing- if not here, then somewhere. I need you.
Posted by: Melissa | May 30, 2011 at 09:26 AM
I'll miss you but am so grateful to have been reading you since the Vagina Posse days.
Posted by: electriclady | May 30, 2011 at 09:43 AM
I'm with everyone else. This is a sad day and yet, I get exactly where you're coming from. Blogging did used to be something special and I would not trade the community I have from it for anything in the world, but... man... it's different now.
Posted by: Aunt B. | May 30, 2011 at 10:02 AM
I get it. But that doesn't mean I won't miss your blogging... This here weblog thingy has helped me through some rough times over the years. It has really made me think, too -- about birth, parenting, feminism, health, taking better care of my slice of Earth. Like Melissa, I hope you will continue writing (longer pieces) somewhere, if not here. Your FB posts are just as funny, thought-provoking, and awesome as your blog posts, but they're short! Me want more. :)
Posted by: Tine | May 30, 2011 at 11:43 AM
Oh no! I will miss you. I was on the IF roller coaster with you Julia, Julia, Tertia and others long, long ago and have been following ever since. Your writing is so good. How can I friend you on FB? I wish you the best, and again....I will miss you.
Cathleen
Posted by: Cathleen Trail | May 30, 2011 at 11:57 AM
For FB purposes: My real name is Joanna Peery Polyn. There's only one person with that name in the world! :)
I want to respond to everybody but have to bake Sean his birthday cake now! I'll come back to talk some more in a bit.
Posted by: Jo | May 30, 2011 at 12:49 PM
Long time (since 05) reader here. Hoping for more! Best of luck with all!
Posted by: Allison | May 30, 2011 at 04:20 PM
Been reading since forever and have missed your voice. Will hope a drive by post if enough people tell you how effing awesome and brilliant you are!
(seriously- your writing is beyond "blogging" - there IS a difference)
Posted by: Calliope | May 30, 2011 at 05:29 PM
Long time reader here. I will really miss you, but I totally understand. Thanks so much for writing and sharing everything with us.
Posted by: Amy | May 30, 2011 at 08:19 PM
Sigh. I understand. Don't LIKE it, but hey, that's my problem, not yours... Like many others, I have read for years. You are a brilliant writer and I will miss you. (look out for a FB request) Thank you for sharing. All the best!
Posted by: Colleen | May 31, 2011 at 01:22 AM
My darling Jo, you are such a brilliant writer. It pains me that I will lose my daily (although at this point quarterly :) fix of you wit and wonder about the world. I recognize your personal evolution has taken you to a new realm of life, but you should know that your blog has changed how I operate in the cyber world. You inspired me to reach out to other women, people I didn't even know, for everything from crafting advice to scientific thought. I also feel closer to you than I ever did in our years living together. I love you and I thank you for sharing yourself. As you branch over to the medical world, don't forget that in my opinion, you are one of the best writers I have ever read.
Posted by: Nicole | May 31, 2011 at 09:38 AM
Oh my god you guys are making me cry. For real.
This has been the place where I honed my writing -- and learned how to slap it up quick and dirty, too. There is just nothing like the instant feedback of the comments section -- and getting to know people, in little meaningful slices. I've softened in some ways and toughened in others, hearing what you all had to say about your own lives. I like to think I'm much less of an asshole these days thanks to all of you. (Nicole, you can probably vouch for that, having known me in my late teens/early 20's -- The Asshole Years!) I learned that I usually *don't* know the most about any given topic -- and that that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've gotten better at hearing other people.
Also, I am totally stunned at how many people are reading! Here's a promise: Next thing I do, be it print (why not go back to zines, huh?), web, or, I don't know, spoken word over interpretive glockenspiel -- I will make sure it goes up here (if you have a feed thingy just keep it on, I guess) and I will put it on Facebook too. There will be a next thing, someday -- I'm not sure what -- but there will be. Do you ever have these periods of life when it feels like all your energy is going to intake rather than output? That's where I am now. Someday I'll put out again. ;)
Posted by: Jo | May 31, 2011 at 11:21 AM
I'm going to friend you on Facebook, which I hope isn't weird, but I've been doing that more and more as bloggers I've read since the dark-and-twisty, "wild west" blogging years decide to stop writing. It would feel strange to lose touch with you, even though we don't know each other in real life. But I've been reading since '04! I chuckled to see another commenter reference the vagina posse. Oh, the memories of sitting in my lonely cubicle with a hand over my mouth, trying to contain my guffaws. Or quietly wiping away tears of sympathy. Anyway, you were one of my favorites and I'm so glad all of your dreams came true.
Posted by: Erin | May 31, 2011 at 01:46 PM
I will miss you, but I am so happy that your life is so full of joy
Posted by: Kate | May 31, 2011 at 08:40 PM
I'm so sad. I feel like I'm losing a friend.
I've been reading you & the Posse for so long - I know because after all of the years of IF I now have a 6 yr. old! You have given me so, so much. By letting me connect to your life, I think you helped me feel more connected to my own.
Thank you. I'll miss you.
Posted by: vic | May 31, 2011 at 09:13 PM
Dear Jo, your writing helped me at a very bleak time in my life. Now I too have two little girls! Thank you. I hope we meet in Nashville someday.
Namita
Posted by: Namita | May 31, 2011 at 10:55 PM
I have also been a reader of you/Julia/Tertia since Back In The Day when I was going through IF. You're a tremendous, thoughtful writer, and I will miss taking a break in my day to read your blog! You and Oprah both signing off...what will I do? (HA!)
Good luck to you :)
Posted by: shari | June 01, 2011 at 01:16 PM
"the indie zine-y world of blogs" yeah. Sigh. Thanks!
Posted by: Nimble | June 01, 2011 at 05:39 PM
Thanking you officially here, just to let you know to how amazing you are and how much I've enjoyed reading your work. I mostly lurked, but checked in once a day since before either of us had children (my oldest turned six in April!) Thank you. For the laughs, the inspiration, the tears, the truth, the feeling that I was not alone, and the enjoyment of damned fine writing. I'm so glad I found your piece of the Internet so long ago.
Posted by: Lisa | June 01, 2011 at 09:32 PM
Thank you for sharing so much. It has meant more than you know. Damn, I should have commented more...
Posted by: brenna | June 02, 2011 at 09:02 AM
Jo, I'll miss you. I kind of knew it was coming. Still, you and your family and life have become important to me over the years. Tell your wonderful biologist hubby that I'm one too (a biologist, not a hubby).
Posted by: Maura | June 02, 2011 at 08:13 PM
Good luck Jo!
Posted by: Hatzlacha Rabah | June 03, 2011 at 04:30 AM
Oh bummer, but I totally get everything you're saying. I've been reading here since before your kids were born, and reading many other similarly themed blogs, and yeah, the commodifying is a major turn off. I always appreciate bloggers like you who resist. We'll miss you but I understand why you're signing off.
Posted by: Lisa | June 03, 2011 at 01:20 PM
Maura, he's actually a psychologist! Are you guys going to fight now? ;)
Posted by: Jo | June 03, 2011 at 05:40 PM
Thanks for all the years! I enjoyed it...
Posted by: Elaine | June 04, 2011 at 07:41 AM
Good luck! We'll miss you.
Take care of yourself and your lovely family.
Posted by: Anne | June 06, 2011 at 02:05 PM
One more lurker coming out. I found your blog in 2006 when I was pregnant. Your blog and a few others made me realize babies are born and raised and most are no worse for the wear. Babies and kids are pretty tough.
I will miss your writings here. You truly did make me laugh out loud and cry sometimes, too.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Posted by: Carla | June 07, 2011 at 06:30 AM
Jo, you rock. You were the third blog I ever read (chez miscarriage, a little pregnant, and you. I've loved getting to know you and your family over the years. Thank you! Best of luck to you in the real world.
Posted by: Sarah | June 08, 2011 at 12:12 AM
I've enjoyed your blog over the years. Always a reader those blogs played a big role in those years of my life. It would be lovely to see all that passion and focus of the vagina posse channeled into a new pursuit. but I get it. things change and people move on and branch out. I miss it though...
Posted by: Sonyala | June 12, 2011 at 12:36 AM