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January 23, 2012


Keep talking. Makes the pebbles feel less like glacial boulders.

Thank you for admitting to the "constant aggravation." I know exactly what you mean and have often wondered if I'm just a really shitty person/mother. I read this the other day and found it comforting: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false Oh, and it's great to have you "back"!!!

I see a physical therapist once a week to alleviate the massive knots in my shoulders, back and neck that come from my work and the daily labors of my two crazy magic rocks known as Lauren and Veronica. My therapist is in the middle of her own nightmare of infertility. The shots, the failed IVFs, the procedures, the canceled procedures, the inconclusive procedures. I feel like an ass when I explain that the giant knot she worked hard to unkink last week is back because I had to spend the night in a cramped position because the baby wouldn't sleep in her crib. I am grateful for that cramped position because of who and what it means, but it doesn't negate the physical pain that I am going through. It does make me think of how I phrase my statements, though I fail sometimes.

And then there was the asshole moment when I grabbed the nearest clean shirt so I could barely make it to the appt (it's at 7:20am), only to discover it was a "Charmed Mom" tshirt. I felt like the biggest jackass that entire appointment. There are open wounds everywhere, more than people even discuss. I will never forget the pain I went through during the 6+ years of miscarriage hell, and I never want to inflict the pain I got from those who weren't "in the know". However, it's something that is hard to avoid when you are down a certain path in life. Motherhood is not all roses and candy canes, and I'm sure (as I knew) that people with the open wounds know that. It's a delicate balance.

The following has been said elsewhere better, but: it would be insult to injury if, after not being able to have kids easily the way so many others do, we were also not allowed to complain about how fucking annoying and hard it is to have children - the way so many others get to do. What, it's only okay to talk this way if you had an unplanned pregnancy? What kind of bullshit is that? Or is it not okay to talk this way EVER? In which case, forget the whole enterprise of being human, if you ask me.

And you know what? When I was trying to get pregnant, it made me feel BETTER to read about how hard having kids is. I made sure to savor every moment of my child-free life I could, and that really helped get me through.

No guilt, please.

Also: your "About" link still has an Out of Office message.

First - I'm so glad to see you back, and glad that I kept you in my rss feeds. Your previous post described pretty much exactly my every meal time and it was golden relief to share that with you, even just in my head. I too am an ivf veteran and I would love you to keep writing.

Welcome back, Jo. I have had that meal also, and totally understand that it is both bitter and sweet at the same time.

Yes. That is all!

Great post, I'll try to comment more later (with a link).

P.S. and, before I forget, I almost cried with the last words of your inaugural post coming back... will go there and comment later.


Absofrickinlutely! So glad you are back.

Thank you for writing this. It is so hard to bear the guilt I feel sometimes for how hard I worked for this, and how hard I find it. And yes, the struggles doesn't, and shouldn't erase the pain in the ass nature of mothering, but it does make the moments of gratefulness very intense. I'll never be a mother who didn't struggle to have her family, so I won't compare my pleasure or pain to theirs, but I do know the constant companion to my sense of overwhelm is guilt. Sigh. 

To a much lesser degree: does the fact that my kid eats tomatoes and raw spinach willingly make it so that I am not allowed to complain when she is rude about other things I cook?

No, I do not think so. I can appreciate her and also find her trying. I wanted her (and did not have to work hard to get her) and love her desperately and also she wears me down sometimes.

I like the pebble analogy. I always feel like mine is the aching, sore gap left after a rotten tooth. It hurts like hell when I probe it, but I do it anyway. There are people walking around with mind shattering tooth aches right now, but I still have the hole...and if I poke it, it still hurts like hell.

The fact that I had to endure jiffy pop ovaries to have my daughter does not make the fact that she will NOT POOP IN THE POTTY at 3 years old any easier to bear. Nor does it make my recent miscarriage any easier to take. I bought another ticket for the pain train, I shouldn't be bitching about it. But I am anyway. So there.

Sing it, sister.

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