Sit right in your goddamn chair. Don't make that disgusting chuffing slurping noise when you spoon your milk into your mouth instead of fucking drinking it like a regular person. No, don't tell your sister to be quiet STOP SCREAMING STOP SCREAMING okay.
Don't clink your spoon on your cup that way. Don't touch me. Don't CLUTCH at me. Don't GODDAMN FUCKING RUN WITH THAT. No you may not climb on that WE ARE NOT GETTING THE PLAY DOH OUT it is BEDTIME. Would you PLEASE sit like a person in that chair. Turn your legs TURN YOUR LEGS so that they go under the table and FACE YOUR FOOD. No, I don't care if you hate it, and I can't hear you when you use that whiny voice. Or I wish to god I couldn't. I don't care if you never eat anything again, that's right, Mommy don't give a shit. Here's your goddamn rice, assholes. It already has butter in it OH GOD DO NOT CRY ABOUT THE BUTTER how on earth could I have anticipated you would want to put the butter on it yourself GODDAMN IT DO YOU NEED TO CRY IN YOUR ROOM.
Let go. No, get off. Do not climb on me. Do not touch me with your tiny greasy fingers or put them on my glasses or OH MY GOD YOU BENT MY GLASSES. I am trying to eat my goddamn dinner OH HOLY JESUS DID YOU JUST SPIT IN IT? DID YOU?
I don't even care because it's still hot and I'm eating it. Except OH FINE I will get you a drink of water because it's not worth it to watch you climb in and out of that stupid booster seat and almost tip the chair and want to do it "all by yourself" and it'll take forty-five minutes and here is your water.
You want a what? More bread? No more bread. No more goddamn bread. Eat a carrot. Eat those carrots that are right in front of you. DO NOT WHINE AT ME about the carrots. Just eat them. You begged for them yesterday.
If you ask me for dessert I am going to spear my own motherfucking eyeball with a carrot and I am going to goddamn well serve it to you and YOU WILL EAT IT.
Soooo, I see you were secretly transcribing events unfolding at my house today?
(YAY, return of The Modernity Ward!!!)
Posted by: Melissa R. | January 22, 2012 at 08:47 PM
Honest to god, I asked my boys for a FEW minutes to just sit the other day. EXACTLY three minutes (and I mean 3, not 3 minutes and 1 second) later, the request for juice came at me. I guess they understand that "few" can mean 3.
Posted by: Mary_Flashlight | January 22, 2012 at 09:11 PM
ROFL you just wrote down what the little voice says in my brain ALL DAY. I have to laugh when I see the commercials about cortisol and belly fat that want to sell me a supplement and all I think is SEND ME A FUCKING BABYSITTER, MOTHERFUCKERS.
::ahem::
Posted by: Debbie | January 22, 2012 at 09:19 PM
hahhaahahahhahahahaha! If mine could talk, this is what they would be inspiring!
Posted by: sarah | January 22, 2012 at 09:21 PM
Wait. The what? You're back!??!!
Posted by: Lynnette | January 22, 2012 at 09:26 PM
YOU HURT MY FEEEELINGS!!! :::throws self on floor:::
Posted by: Slim | January 22, 2012 at 09:27 PM
Oh my god, Slim, do I know you? I must have heard that thirty times today...
Posted by: Jo | January 22, 2012 at 09:35 PM
Argh. My life, my life!! How did you know??
Posted by: Erin | January 22, 2012 at 10:10 PM
I just laughed at this until no more sound would come out. Oh, sister, have I ever been there!
Posted by: MFA Mama | January 22, 2012 at 10:12 PM
Soooooo... Typical dinner then? Certainly sounds like our average evening.
Posted by: Melissa the Morrow | January 22, 2012 at 10:18 PM
YOU. Are the world's BEST M*thrf*kng mothra EVAH.
Polish this day off with 'Go the Fck To Sleep' and love thyself.
Posted by: Jill | January 22, 2012 at 10:27 PM
Hey, what were you doing in my house last night????
Good to see you blogging again Jo.
Posted by: Robin from Israel | January 23, 2012 at 01:35 AM
correct! so happy you're back.
Posted by: jen | January 23, 2012 at 02:34 AM
I know that the only young children who savour every bite and express appreciation for the food they are given are the ones who have truly suffered: the ones who have survived famine, the ones who have found themselves in the midst of harrowing deprivation. These children don't whine and complain, they eat it. They eat it and like it. They also have nightmares, and flinch a lot.
Nearly daily, I am finding myself fantasizing (vividly) about what sort of carefully arranged, legally permissible famine / harrowing deprivation experience I could create for my four young children
SO THEY WILL FUCKING EAT THE NUTRITIOUS, LOVINGLY PREPARED FOOD I SERVE THEM, AND SAY "THANK YOU" TO ME INSTEAD OF "I HATE THIS" ABOUT THE SAME FUCKING GODDAMNED THING THAT WAS THEIR "FAVOURITE" SIX DAYS AGO. WAIT. MAKE THAT SIXTEEN *HOURS* AGO. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
The other day, when my kids refused (outright, without tasting) the previously-deemed-acceptable homemade soup I served them for lunch, I came very, very close to yelling, "Feeding you kids sucks a dog's ball sac."
Hm, Jo, it would seem you touched a nerve.
Posted by: mollie | January 23, 2012 at 02:34 AM
The other day I put in earplugs because I could not take five more minutes of chatter from my child. My very recently speech delayed child that is finally caught up and now I just want FIVE MINUTES OF QUIET PLEASE.
Thanks for coming back. I've missed you.
Posted by: sam | January 23, 2012 at 04:35 AM
You have a gift.
Posted by: Melissa | January 23, 2012 at 07:31 AM
I am laughing out loud right now, but quietly crying inside :) I find it hard to believe that I will miss these years when they go to college, even though I'm sure they will. And if they sit like gentlemen at 21 years old without stabbing each other/themselves with dull IKEA forks while actually facing the table it will be a freakin' miracle!
Yes, ladies, you have me to thank for not dating complete, total, animals. And if they still act like they were raised by wolves IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!
Posted by: Chickenpig | January 23, 2012 at 08:50 AM
ahhhhhhh. So happy you're back writing, saying what I think only in my head (minus some of the cursing, but all of the venom is there) and then I beat myself up for it because honestly I'm sure I must be the only mother in the world that is that uncaring. And then I read this and realize I'm not... at least for today.
Posted by: Jen | January 23, 2012 at 09:04 AM
Oh, thank you. This is just what I need to read the morning that Michael goes out of town. Consider loins girded for tonight's dinner.
Posted by: Joanna Brichetto | January 23, 2012 at 10:38 AM
I am dying with laughter. Thank you for this.
Posted by: Lucky Nose | January 23, 2012 at 11:30 AM
"You're ruining my LIFE!!" (hurls self to floor)
Posted by: A Facebook User | January 23, 2012 at 12:07 PM
Oh my GOD how is it possible that these darlings we love so very, very much know how to bug the EVER-LOVING SHIT out of us??? It is funny but sometimes it also makes me want to cry. I guess that's parenthood.
I have discovered that the amount of time I need completely to myself, child-free, to be a normal human being and not an angry shrew is 6 hours per day. Luckily, that's the length of a school day! Hooray for institutional education.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | January 23, 2012 at 01:47 PM
GET. OUTTA. MAH. HOUSE! SRSLY.
Posted by: Rae Ann | January 23, 2012 at 04:59 PM
You got me with "Do not touch me with your tiny greasy fingers or put them on my glasses or OH MY GOD YOU BENT MY GLASSES."
EEEEEYYYAAAHH it made my lower back curl.
So TRUE SO PAINFUL AND TRUE.
Welcome back, missed you!
Posted by: Robin | January 23, 2012 at 08:13 PM
YES. Just... yes.
Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family | January 28, 2012 at 01:57 PM
I love you. I love your blog. I love you and your blog. I haven't blogged in months because I'm too busy having the exact interactions you catalog above. Almost word for word. The other day my 2yo said, "fuck fuck fuck fuck." He learned it from the best. This is just spot on.
So glad you're back.
Posted by: Sandi | February 05, 2012 at 09:47 AM
Hmm, I attempted to vote for #20, but the Share link did not crinfom my vote, or take me to another page I did not see another option on which to click in order to submit my vote Perhaps I am doing something wrong? Great work Stacy <3 all of these images
Posted by: Erlito | July 03, 2012 at 08:54 PM
To say they are beautiful cirldhen is not quite enough. To say Ms. K is a Diva is more like it! And Master C will break every heart within 100 miles! And they look just like Mommy and Daddy.
Posted by: Veronique | July 04, 2012 at 07:55 AM
After posting my orgainil comment, I was taken to a page that had the VOTE button However, once again, upon clicking it just kept spinning, and never gave me any sort of confirmation Anyway, my vote is for #20
Posted by: Percy | July 04, 2012 at 11:42 AM