Baby: Pop a garter with a bow on it around her malleable little cranium. Or people might think she's a boy. She doesn't even have any hair, for god's sake. Make sure she doesn't wear a blue shirt ever. Unless it also has flowers on it. But the flowers have to be pink.
Toddler: Maybe the Cars-themed pull-ups were on sale but if you ever let her piss in anything that doesn't have a princess or a unicorn on it she's gonna grow up lesbo.* Everybody knows that.
Preschool: Don't let her get dirty. Oh, that pretty white dress, you can't go in the sandbox, you'll ruin it! Here, you sit in the car while your brother digs.**
School-age: Tell her to gang up with the other little girls! Chase the boys! Girls chase boys! But make sure she also understands that ew, boys are gross.*** She should probably still rassle 'em a little bit though. Just always let them win in the end. That will serve her well in years to come.
Extra credit if you can teach her how to exclude and manipulate other little girls. The best way to do this is by example.
Puberty: The day she gets her period, sit her down a the kitchen table. Hoist your old tape player up on the table and pop in The Nails' "88 Lines about 44 Women." Listen to the whole thing together. Tell her she has to pick one and be it from now on. Support her in her choice.
High school: Give her a 35-year-old book about sex written from a religious perspective. Get really drunk one night and wax rhapsodic about the "essential communion of souls" that sex is. When you sober up, scream at her about how she's going to get a disease.
If she gets a urinary tract infection, bark at her, "Well, next time tell him to do it RIGHT!" Do not attempt to elaborate on this. If she's such an adult she thinks she can do...whatever it was...that she did with that boy, she can damn well figure out what he did wrong.
After: Pester her for grandchildren. Reminisce fondly about the days of having small children underfoot. Tell her not to get pregnant, because it will ruin her life.
*Do people still actually say this?
**I totally saw this go down in Philadelphia once. Rich white lady and kids, for demographic sampling purposes.
***I mean, they really kind of are.
I'm doin' it wrong. All wrong. Maybe I can fix my colossal eff-up when we get to puberty. ;)
Posted by: Tine | February 05, 2012 at 08:28 PM
I taught kindergarten in Japan for a spell, and was amazed at how a clique of 5-year-old girls could freeze out the one girl they were mad at.
That is some untapped power! Which I think we should channel directly into padded shoulders and executive status at an investment firm.
Is our generation conflicted about feminism, do you think? Are high heels the new foot-binding? Am I way off point of the original point of your post? Possibly. Coffee just kicked in.
Curious to know what sparked this for you, though.
Posted by: Robin | February 06, 2012 at 08:24 AM
Boys are kind of gross, and smelly ;) And they can't aim for shit.
This post really cracked me up for some reason. Probably because I have twin 6 year old boys and a 3 year old daughter. The poor girl can't decide whether to wear her favorite rock star hand me down clothes from her brothers, or her favorite pink lady bug shirt. :) And she prefers the Toy Story pull ups, but she's going to wear the cheapest ones they got in the store. All I can say is, girls are lucky because they have choices. They can wear pink and still be a rock star. And my daughter can wear her brothers' hand me downs and nobody looks twice. But G-d forbid that one of my sons loves pink and tells me he wants to grow a hair bun like mommy. Personally, I think it's harder to raise boys to be good men than it is to raise girls to be good women. Because that is what it really comes down to to me, raising good people.
Posted by: Chickenpig | February 06, 2012 at 08:46 AM
I want advice on how to raise my son without my in-laws forcing their "boys play soccer and baseball and never wear pink and never show emotion and can we take your son to the monster truck rally?" mentality down his throat. They haven't said anything yet, but the air is thick with it. I mentioned Henry taking ballet classes when he gets older (only if he wants to) and they looked at me like I had an arm growing out of my head.
So tomboys are kinda cute (as long as they outgrow the butch by high school) but sensitive boys get the side-eye. I know this all comes back to the idea that masculine qualities are seen as superior to feminine...but that's another can of headache I can't take on right now.
Posted by: Beth | February 06, 2012 at 11:31 AM
Oh, everybody gets screwed by gender norms!
I am speaking only for myself here, but I have been delighted to find that a lot of the things I was afraid would be a problem over the years have turned out not to be such a big deal in practice. Unless your in-laws will be doing the majority of the child care, their opinions may be as temporary and minor (and as annoying) as the buzz of a mosquito in the ear...here's hoping, anyway.
Posted by: Jo | February 06, 2012 at 01:18 PM
Robin, as to what sparked this post -- I really just wanted a reason to use that 88 Lines joke.
I mean, come on, right?
Posted by: Jo | February 06, 2012 at 03:39 PM
I can't wait till than I have a few people I want to iivnte so if there is limited space please let me know and is there going to be a cost or do we need to bring something with us?
Posted by: Sita | April 05, 2012 at 01:27 AM