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June 11, 2012


Hang in there. Clap on the back, curt nod firmly in your direction. Thinking happy (not TOO happy though! heh - am I allowed to joke about this? Whoops, too late) thoughts for your appointmant.

Yes! Joking is ALWAYS permitted. ALWAYS.


oh dear dear... I'm sorry it's the two of you that are facing different issues and right around your 12th anniversary. :( (I suppose that that is much more serious and significant than the fortuitous food poisoning episode on the date proper, right?)

anyway... I hope it's a good psychiatrist that you're seeing and that he doesn't disappoint (hahaha, that sounds weird).

oh, and I want to talk to you guys. I'm about to go teach in the "brilliant students" (that's the big emphasis of the faculty from there that talk to me) school you guys went to and met. Should I drive nearly 3h round trip to go teach there? Should I? It looks like they're desperate to have me (of course just because they don't have anyone else this late in the game, but K was saying that's an "interesting" way to enter such a prestigious institution through the "back door").

Oh wow Lilian! Congratulations!

Good luck tomorrow!

before i started seeing the shrink who helped me so much, i was talking to a friend who is a psychiatric nurse, and who knows me incredibly well, and describing what i thought at the time might be adult adhd. she said, sort of casually, "oh, yeah, or maybe a mood disorder, like bi-polar disorder." i had to consciously not FREAK THE FUCK OUT. i thought to myself, ok, so that's not what i thought, and not what i want to hear, but just calm the fuck down and go see the shrink. it was that same friend who recommended the shrink to me. when i talked through all the stuff i was thinking, he sort of tipped his head and said, "hmm, maybe, but i don't think so. let's keep talking." and we did, and a couple sessions later he said, "you know, you've been living with a lot of anxiety for a very long time." and i was like, "anxiety? huh?" but he was exactly right.

my first reaction to my friend's comment, though, was to run the fuck away, "la la la la la i can't hear you!" it took every bit of meta-awareness i had left to tell myself, you know what? this is part of it. denying what you don't want it to be. which is why you have put off getting help for way too long. so just put yourself in the hands of a professional you trust and let him do his thing. i kept saying that over and over and over like a mantra.

marta, i would be totally fine with a bipolar diagnosis. the one i would hate to be saddled with is borderline, because i don't think it is right and because it can eff up your treatment for a long time if you get assigned that one erroneously.

hey jo, i would actually be fine with a bi-polar diagnosis too, as long as it could be treated and i could feel better! i wasn't clear -- my point was just that i had in mind what was wrong with me, and hearing something different -- and a little more scary, but mostly just not what i expected, sent me into a bit of a tail spin. and i had to work really hard not to get all into denial about it and be open to hearing the truth.

yeah, personality disorders are much harder than mood disorders i think. but you don't strike me as the least bit borderline...... looking forward to hearing your news!

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