I Don't Wanna, But I'm Gonna

I really don't feel like writing this post. You'd think that that the opaque fog of self-loathing might prevent me from inflicting myself upon the internet, but you'd be dead wrong. I'm like a human whitehead of emotion, welling up into some hideous pustule that eventually breaks unbidden at some inopportune moment in front of a classroom of my social betters. 

That was disgusting and not just because of its vivid depiction of something that I know -- I know -- you watch YouTube videos of when there's nothing happening on Facebook. Look. I don't feel right in the head and I haven't for a while, and I suspect that's been obvious to everyone but me. It feels terribly indulgent to admit it, and I won't detail what exactly has been going on because frankly I feel like enough of a bore already, but suffice to say I have ups and downs and both of them are rather intense and I'm always unusually irritable with my children and hard on myself and doing weird behaviors that make me feel like I have a sense of control and when those get taken away -- if I miss a run or eat more than I intend to or go off-plan in any way -- I panic. 

And part of me is sitting in the back seat, arms folded, shaking my head, saying, look, dude. You are a decent worthwhile person and you are beautiful no matter what your body looks like and the world will not collapse if you miss a run and no matter what an ass you make of yourself people will tolerate you and some will even like you. I know all this, on some level. But logic is no match for the part of my brain that's on the fritz. The volume is turned way up on the ugly voices and I cannot make it stop. Either I hate myself and I'm wading through mud or I'm amazing and I start a million things and the engine is just revving revving revving and my brain won't stop shouting at me, either way, either ugliness or great ideas.

So I made an appointment. One of those first-step get-you-into-the-system appointments. You know what I imagine is going to happen? I will walk in there and describe what I'm experiencing and the effect it's having on my family and friends and the therapist or whoever will say: Yeah, you know what, you're just an asshole. Nothing you're describing is a real problem, and if you're letting minor shit like that affect the people you care about it's your own self-indulgence and weakness. Diagnosis DICK. Correction: Attention-seeking dick. You're making it all up. Now stop.

It's not an unreasonable expectation. I did once have a therapist do something like that. I was being treated for depression, oh, maybe 15 years ago I guess, and I told the therapist, hey, sometimes I'm really really depressed but sometimes it lifts and I feel soooo good, and I go out and I spend all my money and rack up the sex partners like you wouldn't believe and I make all kinds of great art and pretty much stop sleeping, and what's up with that, is that a problem?

And she told me: Oh, you're just feeling relieved not to be depressed. Let's not make a big deal out of that.

That was the last time I saw any therapist ever. My Zoloft ran out and I never refilled it. The end.

It terrifies me, the possibility that I will have to confront this instability as my own character flaw, pure failure. Every time I regain my footing a bit, in those little in-between times neither up nor down, I think, oh, that was all temporary, god, can you believe I was acting that way, what an asshole, what utter silliness. I won't do that again. So let's forget all about it and who wants ice cream?

But it is hurting my kids, when I can't stand to sit next to them on the sofa or pay attention to them, when I stare off into space instead of interacting, when I can't think two weeks into the future. It hurts my husband in ways innumerable. It hurts my friends. It hurts my sisters. I made everyone tell me, again and again: How it affects them. How it sucks, how it makes them uncomfortable, how sometimes they have to get a little distance from me. I make them tell me again and again so I don't minimize it away. I don't give a shit about myself -- I have lived in this mildly unpleasant purgatory like an ill-equipped waiting room, on and off, since I was very young -- but I do care about other people, and I don't want this for them. 

I hesitate to share this. Not only because of the aforementioned self-indulgence but because I am afraid that y'all, amazing as you are, will try to comfort me and I cannot handle it. A curt nod and a clap on the shoulder is about all I can take if you are inclined that way. Or better still: your own story.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for sharing it but hell, for some unfathomable reason I can't not.  

 

Comments

[Alicia]

I call this "puking my emotions", drawing out the "o" sound in "emotions" to ironically distance myself from what it is that I am doing. My response to you (which is also my response to myself) is that everyone gets covered in vomit at some point in their life, if they live a life worth living. And some of us get to be the ones bestowing the vomit on others. You can tell them they are welcome.

[Kate]

My MIL was thought to have depression or social anxiety or OCD in varying levels for years before she was finally diagnosed as type ii bipolar. Finally, FINALLY, after some adjusting meds, she could be functional all of the time. More than one of my sisters has clinical depression. Treatment HELPS. And eveyone is afraid that really they should just cope and it's a personal failing. It is NOT. Don't let a jackass of a doctor reinforce that fear for you.

[Lauren @ Hobo Mama]

What Kate said. I really hope you get a good one this time. Thank you for sharing.

[mandy]

as someone who just last night, through up all of her emotions, all over someone else...i feel you.

[Jo]

thanks, guys. thanks. big time.

[mandy]

*threw up.

[Amanda]

It took over a year of therapy with a very good therapist before I stopped feeling that way before every appointment. There was definitely a period of time that I felt super guilty that my therapist had to waste her time being nice to me... but, it got better. CBT and citalopram. I hope you get the right therapist this time.

[Christine]

Yes- what Kate said. My husband tried to get help for depression for several years - on and off anti depressants and was finally diagnosed a few years ago as type 2 bipolar also. It isn't his personal short-coming or failing either. And treatment does help! Oh so much. Good for you Jo!

[Kris]

I refused to be diagnosed as bipolar because I was terrified of the stigma attached. Finally I allowed myself to try it, to accept the diagnosis, and start the meds. I am a whole new person. What you describe, as yourself before, and yourself now, they fit me to a T. What I hated the most was the way I treated my kids. Love them, but I was horrible. Now, its so much better. I talked to the dr about the fact that anti depressants didn't really work, and he said no, a depressed person does not have enough serotonin. A person with bipolar does, its just locked away. The point of the bipolar meds is to unlock the serotonin. I am bi-polar type 2, and I am so glad to have it figured out and be getting help for it.

[Menita]

Curt nod. Hand clap.

[susan]

There's a (somewhat hidden) army of us in these trenches. Bouncing up to conquer the world only to dive back down in the muck when the weight of it all becomes too much to bear. The meds help. A GOOD therapist helps. Knowing you're not the only one helps.

[lala]

I think "bi-polar" has become the new "retard" in terms of how people throw it around as a negative. This is unfortunate because I think, as an innernet diagnostician, it is the condition you should be most closely investigating.
Said with much clapping on the shoulder and kicking of your behind. Don't ever lose the funny please.

[Keri]

I was the same when I was diagnosed with bi-polar in January. I was so, so leery of being medicated or labeled in any way, but it really has been pretty good at giving me the space I need to get on top of things with a good psychologist and psychiatrist.

Interesting sidenote: It was unmasked by fertility treatment, and apparently that's less uncommon than you'd think.

And if you start thinking you're weak for needing help, just remember how much bloody courage it takes to ask for it. It's much easier NOT to get help than to get it.

[Sabdha]

Oh man. Mood disorders of any kind are the absolute pits. Anxiety is my cross to bear, and the thing I hate about it most is how it cripples my ability to be with my kids. As the others have said, I hope you get some decent help.

[A]

Thanks so much for writing this. I just finished the five free sessions of therapy I can get through work for a very similar-sounding problem. Now I have to psych myself up to start getting help for real, and it helps to know that other people are fighting the same thing.

[JZ]

Don't give up! Has anyone ever given you the MMPI? It's mental health test thing that's very helpful in getting the right diagnosis. I was pretty sure that I was just nuts in college, but it turns out I have OCD (not in the way that type A personalities say they are OCD, but in the way that sometimes I just can't function). I have ups and downs with the meds, but I'm on the right stuff now and I'm almost normal. :)

[Aunt B.]

Everyone is already giving you good stuff, so let me just chime in here and say that our whole society is really set up to make people feel like there are some medical conditions that are really not medical problems, but moral conditions.

How many decades did I go to doctors and say "Um, this is what I'm eating and this is the weight I keep gaining and those things don't match" only to be told I was lying or not trying hard enough? It took twenty years for a doctor to say "Oh, hey, we should have you checked for PCOS."

Infertility has gotten better understood, but I still hear of people being told they just need to try harder, that that will do them as much good as a specialist.

And the same is true with mental illnesses. The things you describe are symptoms of a medical condition, not indicators of your moral failings as a person. It's not cheating or lying or taking the easy way out to expect a doctor to recognize your symptoms as symptoms and get them treated.

[Sarah]

Thank you for sharing this. Sincerely, thank you.

Getting to the place you are--ready to get help--is painful as hell, but relief for you and for your family/friends is what comes next and I'm rooting for you.

Also, what Kate said.

[Mariawolters]

There's an army of us, and we're all behind you.

[amy]

I, too, suffer from ups and downs. Sometimes the intensity is as you described (that's when the time from one up to one down is long), but most times it's barely noticeable by anyone but me (or so I tell myself). I convince myself it's not bad enough to seek help, that I am also just as an asshole and I need to get over myself. I am terrified of going to someone and having them tell me to just knock if off as they roll their eyes at me. So I carry on, being happy, or pretending to be happy.

[Brooke]

My dad whom I have not seen in years is (probably) bi-polar. Let's just say that not seeking treatment because he didn't want to give up the highs has not been good to him. It hasn't been good to his wives or kids either.

So, yeah, shoulder clap and get on with it.

[maura]

You're gonna be okay. YOU ARE ALREADY OKAY. I know this about you.

Going about setting something aright doesn't take away from that. You're doing the right thing.

[Jen]

You already know a bit of my story, I believe, and I am learning a bit more of yours. Plenty of people here have gone the supportive route, so I'm going to come at it like this:

"It terrifies me, the possibility that I will have to confront this instability as my own character flaw, pure failure." --> If you don't like the instability you are going to have to confront it either way. Maybe a doctor or therapist will say, nope, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just a character-flawed self-involved attention-seeking asshole. Maybe they'll suggest medicine (and therapy to go along with it). Either way you will have to figure out what to do about the instability. The possibility that maybe it's "pure failure" on your part is, well... it's irrelevant.

Suppose you do get some really effing great medicine. (1) It still won't be perfect and foolproof, and (2) you still have to use it to your advantage. You'll have to figure out what habits to change, and how to change them. You'll have to figure out healthy, dependable mental categories for the things on your mind. You'll have to figure out strategies for keeping your impulses (like the ideas for tons of projects) in check.

I still owe you some tips on developing and maintaining focus. If you still want them.

Good luck at your appointment!

[Jen]

Oh, and what lala said about "bipolar" being the new "retard." That was dead-on. It really gets under my skin.

[jenn k]

What happened to the post I left? Anyway, DUDE, you are not alone. I have been on Lexapro for like 6 years. When I don't take it, I am not a nice person, especially to my kids. I want you to read "The Ghost In The House" by Tracy Thompson. (And also, friend her on Facebook, she is a really really nice lady, and get her to read your post.) Send me your address and I'll send you my copy. Can't recommend it highly enough. You are a great mom and you will make an amazing nurse! Love you!

[marta]

i saw a therapist on and off (mostly off) for ten years, who told me to breath and exercise and pray when i was anxious -- which wasn't in itself bad advice, and usually got me over the most acute of my anxiety. when i asked about medication, she said, well, we can see about that, maybe, sometime, but i don't really think you need it. she also told me, about things in my life and my relationship that were literally making me crazy and filled with shame and despair, that i just needed to be a big girl and get over it, because that was just my life, and there was nothing i could do to change it. this therapist was, btw, a cool hip mt. airy lesbian mom.

fast forward about 4 or 5 years, after several bouts of anxiety and anxiety-induced depression that almost sent me over the edge; after acting out on my despair in totally reasonable but not super helpful ways; after actually imagining that if i had a terminal illness (being a bit of a hypochondriac), well, at least i could grab hold of some freedom and maybe shake off the shame and actually feel worthy of some fucking happiness --- after all that, i finally made an appointment with a shrink recommended by a friend. a korean heterosexual christian man, btw, who is now my new best friend and personal hero even though i can't afford to see him on a regular basis because in about five sessions he new me better than the lesbian mom therapist did in ten years, and he said, you have been suffering from anxiety for a very long time. and he put me on lexapro. and a couple of months later, when i told him it was like a miracle drug -- really, i can't tell you how consistently better i feel all the time, in deep, profound ways -- he said, no, lexapro is just tamping down the noise so you can do you work. you get most of the credit. you are the amazing one. i really love this guy!

also, one of my concerns with taking meds was that it would interfere with my art (i'm a fiction writer for those who don't know me), and in some absurd romantic way i sort of thought that my craziness (and really, i was crazy sometimes) was somehow connected to my being an artist. my shrink is not only a shrink and a research microbiologist, but also a poet, and he said that anecdotally, it's been his experience that while drugs sometimes tamp down that creative fervor a bit, they also make artists much more productive. which has been SO TRUE for me -- the productivity part. and i wouldn't say that i feel my art has been compromised at all.

you know i'm happy to talk to you more about this baby. i have very very few regrets in my life, even about all the hard stuff, but one of the few regrets i have is that i didn't start taking meds sooner. it really does feel like a miracle to me. we just have brains that work different jo. it's not all of who we are, but it's a big part of who we are. but it doesn't have to be so hard.

[marta]

oh also, kids are so resilient. for real. get yourself better for their sake, sure, but they're gonna be FINE. for real. and it will feel easier with them when you feel better, i promise. i know that feeling so well -- if i don't figure this out soon i'm gonna fuck up my kids forever! -- but it's not true. i mean, get yourself well, do what you can, for sure. but trust me on this, i speak from experience, they're FINE.

[marta]

ok, so i can't stop because this is my newest soapbox. recently i mentioned that micah (9yo son) has been diagnosed with adhd and anxiety -- this person is a school psychologist for crying out loud, but also sort of a hippy white chick -- and her knee-jerk reaction was to start on a diatribe about how we overmedicate kids these days and pathologize difference and i wanted to scream: my son was fucking miserable before we put him on stimulants and an ssri! and not only was he miserable, but we were miserable too. it was so ugly, the couple years we lived through before his diagnosis. now, he takes two pills every morning -- he takes them gladly, because he knows they make him feel better -- and i am as certain that those meds (along with a new school and behavioral therapy, etc) are saving his life as i would be if i were giving my diabetic son insulin. he and i both have medical conditions that require medication. end of story.

[Betsy]

Delurking to say that I have suffered from anxiety and (to some degree) depression for most of my life. You are so not alone in feeling this way, and it is not all in your head - you are not being a Dick, and certainly not an attention seeking one.

Get a good therapist - just keeping trying different doctors until you find someone you click with; that is huge and will make all the difference.

[Jen]

I'll second what Marta said about creativity. My tone has definitely changed since I've been on medicine (lamotrigine for me) but not in a way I dislike, and it's a lot easier to follow through on projects rather than abandon them partway through. I don't at all feel numbed or deadened by my medication. In case that was something you were worried about.

[Tine]

Freshman year in college, I was depressed and anorexic. And I could NOT see it. I didn't believe there was anything wrong with me till I came home for spring break and my parents freaked the fuck out and dragged me to their doctor. So I get how you can be so not-fine and yet think you are just fine.

Curt nod. Clap on shoulder. Also, standing silently behind you in spirit at that first visit to the therapist. Do it. And keep at it!

[Lisa]

I'm glad you are getting help, you are definitely not an a**hole, what you are describing is exactly the pattern an ex-boyfriend of mine fit, and he had a diagnosis (which he chose to not believe or get treatment for). It's a real thing, not in your head, and treatment can definitely help.

I personally tend to lean toward the depressed and anxious side of the spectrum. Therapy at various times has helped me a lot, also nutrition has helped, when I'm eating and sleeping well and taking vitamins I definitely have a better grasp on life, but I think it sounds like you have already been doing that.

I know it's trite, but it's true -- the first step is always the hardest. So, clap on the shoulder for that, and I hope that the therapist is able to help!

[Mary]

I hate sympathy, too, so I will just give you a little nudge, without looking you in the eye.

I don't have mania, myself (thanks a lot, brain chemicals) but I do have depression that manifests itself in A LOT of irritability and nastiness and shit-losing. Which is really great for my kids and husband. Oh, and then there's the suicidal ideation, which I always thought was completely normal, why wouldn't you have a Plan B?, until I was medicated.

I am lucky in that I don't have anxiety and self-loathing (which is weird, right? sometimes I think I have a guy's brain), and I am very lucky that generic Welbutrin has worked well for me for a number of years. I was also very lucky in that I found a good (and crazy expensive) alterna-therapist (at Jefferson Integrative) who did a lot of work resolving muscle memory so that I can now remain calm in my parents' presence, in addition to other good stuff. Like a number of people who commented, I found this person because of my infertility issues. Blessing in disguise, amirite?

I am a much better mother and spouse when I'm medicated. My boiling point is way higher (is that the right metaphor? lower would be bad?), basically, I no longer go from irritated to losing my shit in 60 seconds.

For me, it was hard to make that first call to get therapy and to fill that first prescription. It can still be hard to make the call when I need a little therapy tune-up (like when I had my sixth miscarriage and my best friend died of melanoma within a five month period), but my god, that alterna-therapy really works. Two sessions of a little EMDR and I was good to go. Also, I will never go off the Welbutrin unless I (ha!) get pregnant again.

Hang in there, get some help and meds. Sure, some of this may be a little intrinsic assholishness, but there is no reason to feel this crappy so much of the time. I say try feeling mostly good for most of the time on meds and retaining a little of that dickishness we all love about you.

[Shannon Brisson]

Jo, you are only a DICK if you are aware of your dickishness and actively encourage it. You are not a dick.

[Jenny]

Curt nod, hearty clap on the back. And when I wish you knowledge and wellness I am wishing it for all of us, and for myself. Martyr-me scoffed internally at the "take care of yourself so that you can take better care of your kids" platitudes, but now that I've got 40 in the rear view I can see how absurdly true that is. I am now struggling to catch up and take care of myself through diet, exercise and finding a psychiatrist. You are doing all the right things, you are a fabulous momma, and there are so many of us in this dingdanged boat with you that we should be watching out for norovirus. ;-) So thank you for posting.

[brenna]

Kay Redfield Jamison's books (specifically Touched with Fire and An Unquiet Mind) are great, but Exuberance is by far the kindest.

Godspeed.

[maura]

I second KRJ - one of my personal and professional heroes. "An Unquiet Mind" sits on my Best of All Time bookshelf.

[sara]

I had the ups and the downs controlled with exercise and weight loss and meaningful work and blah blah post partum HERE THEY ARE AGAIN and I'm about to spend the entire weekend fuming because my husband was a little rude this morning when the baby woke up at 5. And he's sorry but too late buddy, depression activated, say good bye to your fun weekend with the wife and baby. Character. Flaw. If I was a bigger person I'm sure I could just pick myself up by my boot straps or some dumb shit, but my feet are tired and I'm getting fat, so fuck everything.

It ain't just you.

[Jacquie]

Hugs to you, brave lady. Your honesty impresses the hell out of me.

[Tonya]

I'm so glad you found a way to put this all in words. You are not the only one. Keep getting it out and letting us know you are keeping on.

[Katie]

Oh girl, I could have written this post myself, or even the series of posts (I feel great! I'm manic! And now, the crash!), at a different time in my life. Like everyone else, first off, hugs and holding and tenderness to you.

Second off, here's what I have for you. Everything is related. All the time, always. It took me working with a very good homeopath to see this. I, too, had PCOS. I, too, had voracious mood swings. I, too, can control things to an extent with diet and exercise (until I can't.) Etc etc etc.

If you're open to homeopathic work, give Karen Allen a call. She's based in San Francisco, and I do all of my work with her over the phone. She is simply amazing.

Working with her gave me "deep stability". When the waves come, the boat just doesn't rock as hard any more.

[AmyinMotown]

All I know is this...when my daughter was about 18 months I had a depression so bad it scared me. I've always had it, it's like a little bomb I carry around all the time, but I'd never been scared like that before that I was really going to let it all go. Obviously, I didn't. Thanks to my husband, I saw a doctor and got back on Wellbutrin and I have realized that I just kind of have to be on that like I take a vitamin, and it's not a personal failing or an example of how much I suck, but similar to my tendency to go anemic if I don't take a multivitamin. Also? I am about to start social work school soon with the eventual goal of being a therapist and the comments here are all very helpful.

[Emily]

I was there. I put off going for help for a long time. When I finally went and was honest to a doctor he said bipolar. I resisted the diagnosis, but accepted the meds. I almost immediately felt better. I still feel, but not in such overwhelming ways. I've been on lamictal for two years now. My kids are calmer, I am a much better mother, I can focus on what is happening instead of spending half my time crippled with anxiety. I've learned to tell if I am feeling something because of a situation, or feeling something and ascribing a cause.

[RL]

Jo, my dad was a diagnosed manic depressive (what they called it back then) who flat out refused to take his meds. Said he'd "rather be dead than like all the boring losers". By "boring losers" he was referring to normal people who did not embarrass their families constantly and who could pay their bills because they hadn't just given away all their money being a big shot or to fund some crazy scheme.

He runined our lives. He died alone. Broke. No one misses him.

I'm so glad that you won't let that happen to you and your family. My dad was a brilliant and very funny man who really loved us when he wasn't either manic or depressed. Unfortunately, "the calm before the storm"--what we called the period where he was not manic or severely depressed got shorter and shorter and the manic and depressive episodes longer and longer. Eventually he acted crazy all the time. He made it completely impossible to have him in our lives as all he brought was chaos and trouble. I've long since lost any guilt I had about cutting him out of my life and only think of him with sadness and pity.

Best of luck.

[Erin]

Not bi-polar, but have chronic, moderate depression that can meld into severe if I'm not careful. My depression mixes with mild to severe anxiety at times as well. Mental illness, it is baffling, and so hard to deal with, admit, and understand in others and ourselves. I have finally resigned myself to a lifetime of depression and anxiety meds and a lifetime of on and off therapy. I have had therapists from amazing to bad -- right now I have an amazing one. Accepting that my mental health is something I have to work on, take time for, and never let get out of hard is overwhelming, but its just the way things are ... Both of my parents died by suicide. My father was a severe alcoholic, drug abuser and perhaps narcissistic. My mother was even sicker than him with severe co-dependency. Medication, therapy, Al Anon, awareness -- all of these will keep me from following in my parents footsteps Clap on the back -- you can do it.

[Camie]

I'm always amazed by the things that I convince myself are "normal" or proof that I'm an asshole. I have mild to severe anxiety depending on the situations (and then lovely depression that can accompany that) and I will sit in a paralyzed funk for six hours, fists clutched tight, terrified that everything and everyone I know will die, that I am a failure, that this is all happening because I'm weak and selfish and lazy. . . and then I take a pill and my brain has a chance to calm the fuck down. For me, I just need to have the option of a pill, and I only need to take one, on average, once in every two weeks. But it took years to figure out that it might not just be me, the giant lazy asshole, and might be my malfunctioning brain. Clap on the back and lots of good thoughts.

[Annie]

Hey, with a schizophrenic brother, a self-medicated mama, and myself newly diagnosed with ADHD (and taking meds), I say: Go to the therapist and get yourself figured out. You're bad-ass and getting your shit together.

[Sarah]

It's tough, when things are so hard you can no longer convince yourself it is just difficult. My daughter was always high-strung and at 7 she had serious anxiety. And our pediatrician at the time reinforced my desire to try therapy for her. And after about a year of her screaming that 'deep breathing did not make anything feel better MOM!,' she started zoloft. And two years later, it is still great. She is still anxious, but now she can see it. It doesn't control her.

My husband had a much rougher time fighting depression. If the drugs don't work, don't wait around. Ask for new ones.

And can I gently chime in for you to maybe see if your husband needs a little check-in with someone? My husband and I had some extra bad outside events, but life spun out of control while the depression would not respond to drugs and we couldn't hold it together. And that's not my point (our story has its own special stupidity ;-), but in the divorce process I started seeing a therapist and that's a good thing. I should have started much sooner.

[Cecily]

Been there, done that, and now that I have meds I feel better. But it's hard. I hate having a diagnosis, and I hate being labeled as having a semi-broken brain. It's frustrating. :(

but I am better, now. Truly.

[Robin]

I am one of those jerks who thinks mental illnesses are over-diagnosed and that as a population we are over-medicated... aaaaand then I was diagnosed with Body Dismorphic Disorder.

As soon as I read the description and the characteristics I knew I had it. But because mention in the DSM and research on treatment is all fairly new, I applied the same jerk-y, uber-rational thought to myself: you're totally making this up. This is like mental illness "lite," you're NOT special.

But now I'm in therapy and it has turned down the volume of those mean voices SO MUCH.

So, here's to hushing the "rational" chatter and allowing ourselves to get help.

[C]

I have mulled this over for days, but my stories are not really MY stories and that has kept me from commenting. However, I can't stop thinking about it, and maybe you'd like to hear from someone on the periphery of mental illness. My husband has 2 siblings with mental health issues (paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar). As removed as I am from the day to day challenges, their mental health has significantly impacted my relationship with my in-laws and even my husband to a degree. I have called 911 after suicide attempts, I have broken into an apartment to see if my unresponsive SIL was still alive (yes), I have seen her neck covered with bandages after she attacked herself with some scissors. Mental illness is real, and has an extensive impact on us all. I applaud you for taking your family's opinions and observations into account as a reminder that this shit is real. Because it IS, and you have a right to try and help yourself for your OWN sake. Not just because it impacts all the people you love - because YOU deserve better. Meds help. Therapy helps. It is a journey, clap on the back for taking the first step.

[Heather]

Hopefully you'll find a better therapist that you can feel comfortable working with. One of my closest friends is very open with her depression issues that started as post-partum depression, but her daughter is going into Kindergarten this year and she still keeps aware of how she's feeling and continues working with her therapist. I like how open she is about it. It's like I am about my infertility issues. If this post does anything if your story helps one other person think about getting help they have been wondering they need it, that's awesome.

And I hope you feel much much better soon.

[Veralucia]

Massage Therapy can be a profitable caeerr however it can take years to build a successful practice. You must really like people and be able to separate yourself from others emotions (like a nurse or a doctor). Working in a spa can afford you a steady income and benefits but not the same income as private practice. What you can charge for a massage varies greatly by town/city/state/region.It is a very strenuously job, and most people only stay in the field for 5-8 years due to burnout or injury.I would recommend that if you are interested that find out if any massage schools in your area hold discovery workshops in which you get a one-day crash course.I love my caeerr and don’t regret entering it at all, but I would recommend that you look into it seriously before you make the schooling commitment.

[Evo]

My mom is one.You loose weight.u get money(based on what u cgrhae)and u might even get a date.The salary is based on what u cgrhae.If you cgrhae 15 an hour .ok.my thing is go for 20.and yes it is a good job

[Ariana]

Well it is your business and no, its not sex dicaiiminstron, but it is a very difficult question. The short answer is that there probably is a market for women who are seeking a female therapist, so most likely, your advertisements would be successful, and I have known female therapists who have been in some difficult situations with male clients and found it difficult to work. I would however consult the standards for the massage profession. My understanding is that, it is generally presume that you, as a therapist, are a professional, your clients are only undraped when you are working on that particular body part, and that private areas are draped at all times. You need to be mindful, given that the massage therapy profession goes to great lengths to promote themselves as medical professionals, refusing to work with males may send a bad message out about massage therapy and this could cause some friction between you and your peers/coworkers.

[Sanajit]

As so eloquently stetad by the above poster;Happy endings Indeed.These fly by night operations bounce from city to city to evade undercover police stings and from recollection, I'm told the girls generally between 20 and 28 come in and masterb8te their clients.Quite a waste of money.

[Madhuri]

@loveorangerose999 Nope, it's really not lol I'm in PT scoohl now and the education is just as hard if not more strenuous than your PA education was WHICH YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE because PA scoohl in one year is 80% of the basic science of traditional medical scoohl! A DPT is a three year commitment and it feels like an eternity. lol Just work in an ortho clinic if you are interested in the musculoskeletal systems, or work for a DO instead of an MD.

[UnderThe]

xsanches- yes and no. Many therapist whtuoit the DPT degree do not feel that we should be called Dr. But many PTs with the DPT believe that we have earned the right. So to answer your question. I've seen that slowly, more and more PTs are using the title of Dr. If chiros, podiatrist, and dentist do- why not PTs.

[Christian]

I remain a Gemini on this: Both an omispitt and a pessimist.I've only once met, in face to face life, a therapist who was willing to stop TELLING me and start LISTENING to me. Considering the number of times I've tried, that is REALLY bad odds. Also, it's like there's a script flowing through a therapist's mind telling him/her to mistranslate what I say and why I say it. It is really MOST frustrating. Maybe it's how I talk? Or the fact that I cannot smile? (tremors) I'm sure I play a part in the thing, but I have never been able to isolate what that part is! Funny too, people in real-life seem to understand me just fine.I've talked, as an advocate, with a great many therapists. One of the most frustrating parts of that is mistranslation of motivation. Lately, I've been talking to a US psychologist from the APA group 51. He has this thing going through his head that feminist power theory is pure science. Thus, anyone who sees that theory (and thus much of psychology) as hatred of men MUST (in his eyes) be jealous of women or want to harm women. He just plain CANNOT understand that there are other valid ways of seeing the thing. So very many times I've seen that exact fault ' X is the only way to see Y. ' DUMB! Real dumb.Dr. Helen: I put the whole thing together and I am not entirely sure it is possible to pick a therapist of any brand with any reliability. It seems to be a matter of most are fine with ordinary problems, depression and such, but once you've stepped outside of ordinary the odds of finding someone go down to abysmal. Plus, even for ordinary problems, there will be many really bad therapists. Sorting out the mess and finding the jewels is thus, in my mind, not at all a simple problem. It is a problem fraught with multiple difficulties. There's good professional people out there, but they seem to me to be such a small minority that the whole problem comes down to looking for diamonds in the muck pile behind the barn.

[Leon]

"the couples I've known who have gone for thraepy have all divorced"That's because marriage counseling doesn't work. If you can manage to speak to any therapist off the record, they will all admit to you that all it amounts to is the wife whining the whole time because of wildly unrealistic expectations that are now built into our very culture. It's not really the fault of therapists, because if a therapist was to point out the truth each time that women are to blame 98% of the time for a miserable marriage because American women are miserable people, he/she would probably even end up losing their license. If it gets to the point of marriage counseling, it's already over. The smart thing to do as man is to not get married in the first place.Therapy in general has pretty much been shown to be a useless and dead practice- an antique from another time when the laws and culture still made some semblance of sense. Worse, the field of psychology has become nothing more than a dangerous political tool used by the hate group called Feminists to use in stripping more and more basic human rights from men.

[Lucas]

Here are a few things you can try. (I'm asmnsiug you don't want to spend a lot of money.)Give free massages at large participatory sports events (like runs, etc.) and make sure people get your card.Donate free sample massages (print up a certificate) at events like non-profit fundraisers, wine tastings, etc. This guarantees a lot of people see your information (and some bid on it.) Make sure you have a stack of cards beside the free certificate so others can take your card.Try partnering with a retailer that serves your target market let them sell your massage service (negotiate the percentage with them in advance.) Then make up a nice display with information on your service that holds the certificates or cards that consumers can purchase.Try something goofy like offering to give massages to the DJ's at a local station if they'll broadcast it on the air and give you a little plug.(Is this answer good enough to earn me one?