Thank You

Just thank you. All of you who commented (or emailed or got in touch with Sean or whatever) or even just thought nice thoughts in my direction.

I want you to know I read all of it. In fact I go back and read every day, every comment. Some days it gets in. Some days I feel guilty for having conned everyone into thinking I am a person worth saying nice things to BUT I promise I will tell the therapist about that tomorrow.

I'll spare you the write-up I plan to dump on the therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow. I suspect that the medication is helping with the agitated part of the mixed state -- I get breakthrough irritation, less as time goes on, but it's been almost a week since I smashed a hole in the floor. Being calm to the point of stuporous probably doesn't hurt, and I am realizing now how little and how poorly I'd been sleeping for a couple years.

But I don't think it's doing much for the real bummer part of the depression. Actually that isn't what I think; what I think is that I am finally clearheaded enough to observe how awful I really am, but SOME PEOPLE might say that was depression talking so EVEN THOUGH I DON'T AGREE I am willing to report it as a symptom.

But thank you. The best part of anything I ever did was you guys. You were what made it worth doing, what made it really happen. This is no different. 

Comments

[marta]

i love you jo. whenever you feel hopeless, or joyless, or whatever-good-thing-less, just remember we are holding onto all that for you until you feel better. ok?

[Aunt B.]

Please just meditate on the fact that Jerry Sandusky thinks a great injustice has been perpetrated against him and you think you're a worthless piece of crap.

If that's not evidence that the way you feel is a symptom of depression, I don't know what is. Even if you are a lousy person--which I don't for one second believe--the pile of people so much worse than you is enormous and it looks to me like most of them are walking around feeling okay about themselves. And you're better than them! So, you deserve to walk around feeling okay about yourself, too.

[Jo]

Haaa Aunt B. That's good enough to embroider on a pillow that I then take to the therapist.

and marta: ok.

[maura]

You're going to be okay. And I miss you.

[Ashlee]

I meant to comment on the last post, but you were my first introduction to natural birth and the first birth stories I ever read were of your girls. You absolutely inspired me to research it more and I was able to birth my 2nd little girl in the water, naturally, with a midwife! I credit you with inspiring me to do that. As someone that has never met you and has only ever read your blog and Facebook feed, you've touched my life deeply and I've always loved your writing. Though I understand withdrawing from it for yourself, just know that I've *never* felt pressed upon by your amazing literary gift.

[Amy]

We're all thinking of you.

[girl_in_greenwood]

My depression tells me daily that I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. I'm pretty sure that's not true, but my brain doesn't really give a shit what I think. How's that for ridiculously self-referential?

What I'm trying to say is that my brain is a lying liar who lies, and yours probably is too. I'm beaming good thoughts in your direction.

[Heather]

No thank YOU. Just thank you. I am teetering on the brink of mental health and meds and I SO appreciate your honesty about it here. Thank you.

[Melissa the Morrow]

Hey Sass. I deeply apologize, I have had my head up my ass for a couple weeks now and haven't been around the internet as much. I did, however, notice your absence pretty strongly. I hate that you are fighting this internal battle and wish I had a magic wand to relieve you from it. You are an amazing creature, one who is a constant source of inspiration to me (and many others), and hopefully the meds and therapist will help you find your way to that conclusion soon. Depression is a bitch. Though you are in a bad place, please know that many, many, many of us still adore your smart ass and think you are the shit. K? Miss you Jo.

PS, I totally had an "It's not pee!" moment with my olive cotton shorts yesterday and thought of you immediately.

[Lynnette]

Thank you for checking in...Still missing you...

[Jenn (dish)]

First, I would like to give your Aunt B. a big wet sloppy kiss for her first sentence. Nailed it on the head with style.

The meds are going to make it scary and uncertain for a while until your body and mind adjust to the new stasis. You know that already. So, hold on to what you need to get through this transition, and by all means let go of the things that will just throw you more out of balance.

But also remember that you have a wealth of people (including little ol' me) that are here for you now and will be here for you in all the days to come, no matter how rough the journey.

[Tommie]

I tell myself (when I'm at my worst) that people who are truly bad don't seem to think they are (take Aunt B. analogy, that was AWESOME.) So because I think I'm a horrible wife and mother, maybe, just maybe, I'm actually okay. Because I want to be more than okay, I want to be so much better than the wife and mother I actually am. But it's a never ending battle, one we just have to keep fighting I guess. Thank you so, so much for letting us in on some of your battles. You may not believe it, but you are helping so many people out here just by being so honest with us about your struggles. Misery loves company and all that crap.

[Jill]

I am listening to some online education for work (did you know you are not supposed to use an elevator during a fire?!) and am bopping over while the video drones on to say Hey. Miss you, love you, sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

[Melissa the Morrow]

Just dropping by to say hi, hope you are hanging in there, and neener neener (as I squirt your pants with a water gun). Many hugs Jo.

[Catherine]

Jo,
Happy Canada Day. Next year's will be better.
Cat

[Tine]

I think the very best suggestion I can give you is to read and read and re-read Aunt B. and Girl in Greenwood upthread there. Especially when you're feeling your crappiest. Because those 2 ladies IS SMART.

Missing you up here in Minneapolis. And praying for you, in my heathenish way.

[rachel]

"The beauty of stopping is that things loosen — sometimes to the point of becoming unhinged. And unhinged is very, very disconcerting. And essential. Coming unhinged is the passage way to innovation. Keep the faith and let yourself go crazy." Danielle LaPorte

[Meira]

Love, you, girlie.

PS: your brain is still lying. Yes, I'm quite sure.

[Melissa the Morrow]

Since you've been away, I have had to redirect my cleverness. It's just not the same. I hope your recovery is going well and you are feeling somewhat better. Good healing, friend.

Something something shit oven.

[Deborah]

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, but I miss you on facebook (and in real life too.) You're an amazing person, and the fact that you're able to be as open as you are about what's going on is a testament to just a small part of that. I love reading what you write, and I hope you'll come back to it when you're ready.
Love,
Deborah

[Sara]

I'm just catching up after being away from my blogfeed for six weeks (I'm out of the country, away from my normal blog-reading computer). Yes, it's true. I am so fucking lazy and worthless that I can't figure out a way to get into my blogfeed remotely. Sad. Finally, I googled your blog address because I couldn't stand it any more. That's how much I adore and admire you (remember, I'm lazy and worthless, so googling is HUGE). I am so freaking sorry that you have been feeling so awful, and hope that the meds have you feeling better soon. Aunt B really said it all. Suck you do not. But suck depression does.

[Heather]

Just getting caught up on your blog and wow! Glad to see you got a diagnosis and you are starting to feel better with medications. Also glad to see you be so honest about it. The world really needs people to be honest about these things. I'm honest about infertility issues. My good friend is honest about her post-partum depression and then just plain depression as her daughter is now going into Kindergarten this year. I think more people need to know the honest truth. It's all out there more than we know and it will all be OK if we can just get to the doctor and discuss what's going on with honesty.

[Yeasty]

"But I don't think it's doing much for the real bummer part of the depression. Actually that isn't what I think; what I think is that I am finally clearheaded enough to observe how awful I really am, but SOME PEOPLE might say that was depression talking so EVEN THOUGH I DON'T AGREE I am willing to report it as a symptom."

That sounds really difficult. Kol hakavod.

[Lisa]

Miss you, love you, think about you every day. All my best wishes are pointed in your direction. Do what you need to do and know that we will be here for you when you're ready. You're a beautiful person and you have so many gifts. Those won't go away, they are part of you.

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